Grieving former and future life

[HealingNow]

Does anyone grieve the life they had before chronic pain? Or fear the future?

Have you got any tips for moving on healthily?

I was so fit and strong, played sports and did adrenaline chasing things.

I’m a shell of the person I was. I really want to stop grieving that?

Before my injury I wanted a baby, now I’m grieving the future I didn’t have. Really struggling with the thought I can’t be a parent with the pain.

I know I’ll get through it someday, but feel like I’m runnning out of time given my body clock (another Type A personality problem)

 

[Rabscuttle]

When I first dealt with this batch of chronic pain, I was full of grief and regret. I opted for an elective surgery that led me to an extremely dark place, darker than I care put to words. I would imagine my life had I just stayed home the day of the surgery. Where would I be?

then I became TMS aware and truly began to understand the way I was living prior to severe chronic pain wasn’t healthy in the least bit. I was dysfunctional literally from my earliest memories. My body was giving me signs that I ignored, I was unbelievably cruel to myself. I think it’s possible that there was an even darker alternate reality waiting for me had I not walked this particular path. Because yeah it sucks to be in pain and feel like you don’t have total agency in your life, but I think I can confidently say now that it was a much needed wake up call. Am I where I want to be? Absolutely not. But I have such a better clarity, am so much kinder, snap out of funks way quicker, catch the dooming way more frequently.

you need to fill your life with things you enjoy. Instead of thinking about things you can’t do, what can you do? Are there physical outlets you can partake in? Before all this I was very into martial arts and basketball and volleyball. Now I’m into yoga, I sometimes swim, but the past few months I even got back into volleyball, and started hitting my punching bag a month ago. I had to temporarily let go of some things as I adjusted to my new (but not permanent) reality.

finding space to find gratitude for the lessons we are learning, to let go of things that we thought defined us (type A personalities etc)

lessening pressure on ourselves to just be instead of lamenting a life that we thought would be ours.

I don’t intend this as condescending, especially since I’m a man who had a vasectomy (the elective surgery which led me to all of this!) There is no telling what the future holds, maybe you’ll be in a space in the near future where you can have a child. But even if that isn’t as soon as you like there are always options like adoption down the road. And then you can approach being a parent with all the wisdom you gained from the journey that we are on. Shedding this idea that our life was supposed to go a specific way is definitely something that’s necessary.

“Ain't no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too”

 

[HealingNow]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It made me cry, I don’t feel so alone.

 

[Rabscuttle]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It made me cry, I don’t feel so alone.

You aren’t alone! We are all here with you. What you are experiencing is normal but not indicative of what your future can hold. Believe that things can be good again, most importantly believe in yourself. The stories we tell ourselves and how we tell them are so so important. The power that true self compassion has is boundless.

 

[Rusty Red]

Definitely grieve not knowing if I'll ever be a distance runner again. I've nearly settled on it but the anger and sadness over it rears up for sure. I definitely think the advice to focus on what you can do is great as usual from Rabscuttle. It's something I'm working on but I let myself have the grief as well, because this isn't a "lesson" I wanted from my mind, whether I needed it or not! Wishing you strength with your path!

 

[Diana-M]

@Rabscuttle couldn’t have expressed my exact thoughts any better. Especially about how life wasn’t sustainable before TMS (hence, why we have TMS). I, too, have learned how to come out of funks faster, along with dropping all of my “plans” for my life. It appears my life is being rewritten in amazing ways that are still unfolding. As far as grief over what you can’t do. Oh how I understand this feeling! I can’t walk unassisted right now. If I think I’ll never walk again…I can start to lose my mind. But I don’t let myself go there if I can help it. I just remind myself that TMS is actually only an illusion created by your subconscious. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just a bunch of tangled up emotions, circumstances and personality traits that together aren’t working. Time to reboot your life. And it will be better than it ever was. I believe that. I’m sure it’s scary/sad worrying about having kids. But like @Rabscuttle says—anything is possible. Believe that! Maybe all that you’re learning will make being a mother the best it can be. What you imagine can become reality. I’m missing out on doing a lot of things right now, but I just envision vividly doing them in the future.

 

[HealingNow]

Thank you so much.

I truly believe my life was unsustainable before, I lost my job because of the pain (no because TMS flared everytime someone shouted at me or asked too much of me) but to be honest - I think the job was killing me long before the pain. I over achieve.

I actually used to say “I’ll probably die of a stroke before I’m 40” what kind of messed up thinking is that! (Or my brain warning me that that was my path…)

I pushed so hard, I was the youngest person to achieve professional status in my industry I gained 2 degrees and since leaving school I’ve had 4 days off on holiday consecutively, ever. When I do take holiday, I usually end up working for friends businesses or doing chores for my wider family.

And thank you Diana, to say it may make me a better mother. I’m not sure I liked the person above. My own mother, although kind was incredibly emotionally immature and left us to our own devices and my hyper-independence I think stems from quite a wounded and lonely place. I think I’d have probably continued on this path of pushing my children to grow up fast, because the world is cruel.

This year, has been the hardest of my whole life, I keep feeling like, if I know it’s TMS, why aren’t I cured. But then I remember that this TMS started long before my injury. I think this started the moment I was told to grow up too fast. I keep wanting to wake up in the morning and it’s gone. But maybe it will always be my familiar friend.

if it’s been in there that long, I can’t wait to see what kind of person I can become when it’s out.

 

[Diana-M]

I keep feeling like, if I know it’s TMS, why aren’t I cured. But then I remember that this TMS started long before my injury.

You are so right. And I’ve heard people say that the longer it took to get TMS, the longer it *might* take to get rid of it.

I keep wanting to wake up in the morning and it’s gone.

Oh how I know this feeling!

if it’s been in there that long, I can’t wait to see what kind of person I can become when it’s out.

Yes! You’ll be even more amazing. Because you already seem quite special now.

 

[CharlieEvans180]

Hey ! What are the emotions that underpin this? I often will look at a photo when I'm younger and get upset. Used to think because pre symptoms. Unpack more and there are some emotional cues to process and journal.

Opportunity to go deeper!

 

[Sita]

Does anyone grieve the life they had before chronic pain? Or fear the future?
I don't. And I do not fear the future, no.
Have you got any tips for moving on healthily?
Surrender. Hoping and trusting.
I’m a shell of the person I was. I really want to stop grieving that?
Stop grieving that.
Before my injury I wanted a baby, now I’m grieving the future I didn’t have. Really struggling with the thought I can’t be a parent with the pain.
Get over it. Move on. Do something else. Forget the past. Make new plans.

 

[Joulegirl]

Does anyone grieve the life they had before chronic pain? Or fear the future?

Yes, you can grieve the old life before symptoms. (I've done this too!) But look at your future now. You get to learn more about yourself and I am betting that you will be a different person on the other side. Just give yourself time. I wanted a fast results and it didn't happen. I know now that for me, it is taking time to peel back layers of defense mechanisms, unhealthy coping skills, and feeling my emotions again. I'm not the same person I was back when I started learning about TMS. (And I probably have some ways to go still!)

 

[Kevbot217]

Man, this really reminds me of me. I was pretty preoccupied with worrying about how I was going to fall behind, and I wouldn't recover in time enough for me to hit different life milestones and whatnot. I really empathize with you on this. If you can learn to feel the grief (and yes, even anger or rage as Sarno describes) in a healthy way, that will help your recovery. I will say though, focusing on that too much will only feed the flame that is TMS. But it is important to feel these emotions enough for your brain to recognize them, and also for your brain to feel safe with them.