God I’m miserable

[Mani]

All these people that ever did me wrong, that would have bad words to say about me. Theyre all living life. Went to a fraternity, curing cancer, partying. Who gives a fuck, theyre living. Little sister of a guy that screwed me over, total sweetheart. She’s out there having fun. I’d like to see her some time, nah ah cant. Going skiing with the fam, having a blast.

I just want to go out there and meet some people for heavens sake. To not be afraid of sounds anymore. To not be a handicapped son of a bitch.

I know i got tms. Reading this new book once again its so crystal clear. I HAVE TMS. Why the fuck doesnt it go away. The tms diagnosis should be freeing; I can get better! Why dont i? What am i doing wrong?

I finished high school 3 years ago. Even skipped a grade, was the youngest in my class. If i get to study next year, id be 21. Oldest motherfucker in class. Certified unc. Usually that comes with qualifications, like lived experience. My experience is rotting at home with my retarded parents. Being a celibate hermit.

Ok ill continue the schubiner book. Maybe the bloke can actually tell me how to get out of this mess.

 

[Diana-M]

@Mani
Hugs! I hear you! I witness your grief.

listen! I think I found something. I might have cracked the code for me. And it could maybe be for you too! I found this lady. She healed from 100 symptoms. She became a TMS coach. She claims it’s all from your primitive brain feeling unsafe. She has researched all the best somatic practices to heal your nervous system and put it all in one place. After 3 weeks of doing her stuff, I’m starting to feel a little better. It’s giving me hope! The trick is to stick with it. I think Dr. Schubiner has some audio meditations. Somatic tracking. You could try that. It’s just a matter of time. Stick with something that helps, if you can find it. The app I’m using right now is this:
https://yourgratefulguide.com/haven-rewire/info

I think neuroplasticity is the way to go.
Feel better, buddy!

 

[Cactusflower]

Sorry Mani. Some days are really hard.
They do get better.
I was a mature student at 21 and had the best BEST experiences because of it.

Don't sweat the story that hasn't been written yet.

 

[cafe_bustelo]

I hear you and totally get these feelings, I’ve gone through a version of feeling the envy of others living their normal lives myself, but it’s worth remembering that perspective changes everything; a year or two means very little in the long view of things (and at the same time, a lot can change in a year or two). I have a friend who’s going to university for the first time as a 30 year old and loving it.

I had good times in college and bad. Some of my experiences in college were so rough I think they contributed to priming me for TMS. Which is just to say that the thing you are envying may not be all that.

I think truly everything you need is in that other post Sunshine just posted—it may not be this year, it may not be next year even, but you’re going to get better even if it takes as long as it takes.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Maybe the bloke can actually tell me how to get out of this mess

What am i doing wrong?

Reading another book is not the answer, for reasons you've stated really well on the book review thread, so I know you know this. It's just a distraction, a time-waster, and ultimately yet another source of disappointment and distress.

I might recommend that you take a page from our old pal @Baseball65 and just reread Sarno to remind yourself that you have TMS - especially as Dr Sarno will also remind you that 1) it's about repressed emotions, 2) it's about repressed emotions and 3) it's always about repressed emotions.

TMS recovery is only a tiny fraction about "Doing". We might as well consider it less than 1%, because once you've got the basic concepts and a few tools for mindfulness, the majority of recovery lies in changing your mindset.

Yes, this is easier said than done for most people, and it is agony for a few, but ultimately, it is the only way. It also requires maintenance and vigilance throughout a lifetime. Due to the negative bias of the human brain, there will be plenty of setbacks during times of stress. This is the human condition, as the great philosophers figured out centuries ago, and we appear to be a looong way from evolving into something less dysfunctional. All we can do in the meantime is the best we can, using the tools at hand.

Sadly, the requirement to change one's mindset is more effort than many people are willing to put forth, so they desperately flounder around in a search for "THE" magically different answer, distracting themselves into thinking they must be accomplishing something with all of the time and money they're putting in - and getting frustrated and angry when they realize that nothing has changed.

You're still very young, @Mani my friend. You've come a long way since your arrival here not so long ago, and I know how much you appreciate this forum, and I certainly appreciate the support you give to others - that alone sets you apart in a special group within this community. I would love to see you really recognize this pointless search for something or someone to save you, and concentrate on the advice from people who are recovering by letting go of victimhood, by acknowledging and accepting, by disengaging from the desperate search for meaning and causation, by replacing pressure and judgement with self-regard and self love.

You crave being nurtured, but in the end we can only nurture ourselves. We're here to support that when you're ready to accept it from yourself. You've shown glimpses of it several times, so I know it's there waiting at any time.

 

[Rabscuttle]

Are you hearing about all the things people are doing from their mouths directly or from social media? If it’s the latter, then I cannot emphasize this enough, please delete all social media. In our states, comparison is absolutely ruinous. Please, please, please, acknowledge that comparing yourself to your peers who externally seem to have their shit together is one of the most damaging things we can do to ourselves. It stole years of my life.

Mani, you are making progress. Reread through your own posts here if you don’t believe it. You are falling into the trap of letting lulls and low moments convince you of something that just isn’t true. The nature of TMS recovery is non linearity. It also just takes time. I know that is tough to hear. But we’re undoing decades of dysfunction. We’re building a foundation so our future can be better. But that starts in the present. It takes time.

Jan’s post regarding not looking toward external things is so on point. You have all the answers you need inside you. But we have so much bullshit floating around our heads it’s hard to actually decipher what’s good and true. The reality is, is that most (probably all honestly) thoughts are complete bullshit and ruinous to us. Even a good memory in the past, like longing to see a crush who said something nice to us, can be just as damaging as thoughts like we’re broken and fucked for life. They’re both just keeping us stuck in loops romanticizing the past or predicting a doomed future. Pretty much everyone on the earth struggles with letting thoughts dictate their reality. One of the primary issues regarding TMS recovery is how we are responding to the thoughts that just pop in our head. If we get a thought of special memory with a person do we let that drag us into hell about how we’ll never have meaningful moments with people again, never be in a relationship, or do we accept that it’s in the past, appreciate it happened, wish that person well, and have faith that things can be good again? Us tmsers have massive overwhelming negativity biases. It’s a defense mechanism often stemming from dysfunctional upbringings, where there was no stability (material or emotional or otherwise) so we just stopped expecting things to be good because the shoe always dropped. We absolutely need to starting modifying thoughts to have hope. Not delusion that my life is so fucking perfect and I’m so grateful for the symptoms and the lessons and all that vomit. No, this shit absolutely sucks and you’re allowed to have down moments and vent and all that. But if that’s becoming nonstop and dragging you into the mud then you really need to sit with yourself and take steps to rectify this.

To reiterate, this takes time. And there are so many lessons in these moments. But please, Mani, reread through your posts. You are progressing, and every answer for how to move forward is already inside you. You are a good person (and funny!) but you need some consistency in how you’re treating yourself, because I imagine you are a bit all over the place in oscillating between being a friend and tormenter.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

All these people that ever did me wrong, that would have bad words to say about me. Theyre all living life. Went to a fraternity, curing cancer, partying. Who gives a fuck, theyre living. Little sister of a guy that screwed me over, total sweetheart. She’s out there having fun. I’d like to see her some time, nah ah cant. Going skiing with the fam, having a blast.

I just want to go out there and meet some people for heavens sake. To not be afraid of sounds anymore. To not be a handicapped son of a bitch.

I know i got tms. Reading this new book once again its so crystal clear. I HAVE TMS. Why the fuck doesnt it go away. The tms diagnosis should be freeing; I can get better! Why dont i? What am i doing wrong?

I finished high school 3 years ago. Even skipped a grade, was the youngest in my class. If i get to study next year, id be 21. Oldest motherfucker in class. Certified unc. Usually that comes with qualifications, like lived experience. My experience is rotting at home with my retarded parents. Being a celibate hermit.

Ok ill continue the schubiner book. Maybe the bloke can actually tell me how to get out of this mess.

Hi Mani, you may have already seen this coach (who specialises in ear related TMS symptoms) but @miffybunny just suggested her to someone else in a Facebook group so the credit is hers:

I've attached the video where she talks about hyperacusis - and you can follow the prompts to get to her website (Dr Yonit Arthur is her name). Just in case it helps and you feel more heard/seen

 

[Ellen]

Stellar post from @JanAtheCPA above! Mani, you've gotten great advice and support from the wonderful people on this Forum. Hang in there!

 

[Scott G]

Are you hearing about all the things people are doing from their mouths directly or from social media? If it’s the latter, then I cannot emphasize this enough, please delete all social media. In our states, comparison is absolutely ruinous. Please, please, please, acknowledge that comparing yourself to your peers who externally seem to have their shit together is one of the most damaging things we can do to ourselves. It stole years of my life.

This paragraph right here should frankly be a sticky on every section of this forum, and required reading to view anything else. Bravo.

 

[Rabscuttle]

This paragraph right here should frankly be a sticky on every section of this forum, and required reading to view anything else. Bravo.

I should’ve also added it is also relevant even within this space. I know, as much as I don’t want to admit, I feel envy and even anger when I hear of people making progress quicker than me, or seem to have their shit together. Of course I’m happy for them, but I’m not some beacon of pure love and joy. When I was in my doldrums I used to get fucking livid seeing people smile and laugh and talk freely, thinking that’d never be me again. Ahhh we are our own worst enemies.

 

[Alouqua47]

"Hi, Mani. Yeah, who hasn't compared themselves to normal people. I think that for recovery, what you need is consistency, and to be honest, at first you might not see any results at all. But if you tip the scale and find peace and calm time and time again despite the symptoms, you are making it count—you are rewiring your brain. You might not notice anything at the beginning, but you are creating a new connection. At least, that's how I see it from a more scientific standpoint. And what Diana says is true. This has to do with the safety you communicate to your brain. These thoughts of comparing yourself to others are literally just frustration and not being compassionate with yourself. None of this is doing you any good. However, it doesn't mean you've failed. It just means it's going to take more time. Honestly, I feel the exact same way as you, or even worse. But I try to keep moving forward, and I know that at some point I will see a change. And later, I'll enter that virtuous cycle people talk about, where fewer symptoms mean more safety, and it won't be as hard anymore. You should practice somatic tracking and expose yourself to what scares you, but gradually and safely, so that little by little your brain starts to adapt and create the connections it needs to replace the ones associated with fear and your specific symptom. Best of luck. Take care."

 

[Diana-M]

I should’ve also added it is also relevant even within this space. I know, as much as I don’t want to admit, I feel envy and even anger when I hear of people making progress quicker than me, or seem to have their shit together. Of course I’m happy for them, but I’m not some beacon of pure love and joy. When I was in my doldrums I used to get fucking livid seeing people smile and laugh and talk freely, thinking that’d never be me again. Ahhh we are our own worst enemies.

I can only walk with a walker right now (very slowly) and I see people out my window walking their dogs or just walking around laughing and bouncing happily and it’s SO tempting to think I’ll never get to walk again. But when I am feeling strong and hopeful, I just say, “this is me FOR NOW and I’m going to change things.” And then I picture how even now my entire outlook has been revamped, everything overhauled, sooo much has changed internally, for the better, I’m not even the same person. When I can walk again my life will be infinitely better than I ever could have imagined! And maybe even worth the wait.

 

[Mani]

Guys i love all your efforts. I was in such a bad mood and this bad mood stopped when my asshole father made some insensitive comment and my spirit lightens. I can get mad at someone else again, how comforting. Its hard to reply to all of these nice comments but i just wanted to get some thoughts out into the world.

As for the remedy of hyperacusis. I know that its supposed to be about exposure and that thats the key. But I’ve been trying to expose especially these last months again and these constants like flushing the toilet and airplane noise and the like. Well, talking these last 3 months give or take — if thered be any progress its the minusculest imaginable. And thats while being able to control sounds. Without some asshole Harley Davidson zooms past or a car honking right in my face.

I keep flip flopping between ‘I need to expose’ and then ‘theres probably something else im not doing right’. I try to balance and i never stop exposing fully and obviously i need to give it a chance but theres these constant noises that im not getting the progress on that id like. Especially when i recovered before exposing wasnt really part of the mix like that. I just gradually exposed but it was the other way around ‘i got better and dropped ear pro’ as opposed to ‘i dropped ear pro and got better’

Are you hearing about all the things people are doing from their mouths directly or from social media? If it’s the latter, then I cannot emphasize this enough, please delete all social media. In our states, comparison is absolutely ruinous. Please, please, please, acknowledge that comparing yourself to your peers who externally seem to have their shit together is one of the most damaging things we can do to ourselves. It stole years of my life.

I did want to share this new revelation i just had. My sister went on Erasmus to Rome, living there for 6 months. She was doing catastrophically bad; she absolutely hated it there. Meanwhile watching her insta stories youd think she was having a blast. This really changed my persoective, being so close to someone going through this. I’d heard before that social media isnt real but this contrast was crazy. And a lot of people post like that.

I was doing poorly on vacation once or twice yet my camera roll was full of lovely pictures. It never came up to me to post them as if i was having a good time lol. Some people do and thats fine i mean they can do whatever they like.

Yeah the flip flopping and just not seeing improvements after supposed exposure makes me frustrated. I’ve made incredible progress as a person - or so i think and i know that these days are gonna happen. I just really wanted to post about it here. I love chatting with everyone here and i dont always have something to say.

Thank you all <3

 

[Diana-M]

You should practice somatic tracking and expose yourself to what scares you, but gradually and safely,

Yes! I agree!

 

[Diana-M]

just not seeing improvements after supposed exposure makes me frustrated.

Keep going. It takes time.

 

[Mani]

And somatic tracking is something ive practiced long before i knew i had tms and i know its powers but for some reason with loud sounds i have not been able to get it to work. I keep trying but due to the intermittent nature of sounds and the lack of a real tangible feeling has made it incredibly hard.

 

[Alouqua47]

"Alright, Many. I don't think it would be a good idea to expose yourself to a level 2 noise and then go straight to a level 10. Ideally, it should be progressive. Start with softer noises and then, little by little, increase the intensity of those sounds. Maybe you could, I don't know, get a recorder, or maybe with the help of a radio. I don't really know what to tell you because I don't know how you experience it, but you get the idea, right?

The point is to trick your brain. To make the transition so subtle that it adapts little by little. A gradual exposure, right? It's normal for it to get scared when it hears a loud noise because it isn't adapted to that yet, because you are afraid of it. The main thing is to teach the brain that it's safe. It has to be progressive and start from the ground up."

Y el seguimiento somático es algo que he practicado mucho antes de saber que tenía TMS y conozco su poder, pero por alguna razón con sonidos fuertes no he podido hacer que funcione. Sigo intentándolo, pero debido a la naturaleza intermitente de los sonidos y la falta de una sensación tangible real, lo ha hecho increíblemente difícil.

 

[Diana-M]

And somatic tracking is something ive practiced long before i knew i had tms and i know its powers but for some reason with loud sounds i have not been able to get it to work. I keep trying but due to the intermittent nature of sounds and the lack of a real tangible feeling has made it incredibly hard.

For what it’s worth, the TMS counselor I’m working with now says your window of tolerance for whatever your symptom is will expand all on its own as you lower your nervous arousal. As you calm down, you’ll be able to tolerate more, and that’s definitely happening for me. You can also use EFT tapping and visualization to prepare yourself for the graduated exposure. And accept and allow the feelings, so as to not make yourself more nervous and perpetuate the symptoms. Also—Having compassion on yourself goes a long way in the healing process. And yes, if you’re mad, you’re going to be tense. So if someone’s making you mad, you’ve got to find a way to quiet that situation on your nerves. It’s a LOT! Big cleanup project.

 

[Mani]

"Alright, Many. I don't think it would be a good idea to expose yourself to a level 2 noise and then go straight to a level 10. Ideally, it should be progressive. Start with softer noises and then, little by little, increase the intensity of those sounds. Maybe you could, I don't know, get a recorder, or maybe with the help of a radio. I don't really know what to tell you because I don't know how you experience it, but you get the idea, right?

The point is to trick your brain. To make the transition so subtle that it adapts little by little. A gradual exposure, right? It's normal for it to get scared when it hears a loud noise because it isn't adapted to that yet, because you are afraid of it. The main thing is to teach the brain that it's safe. It has to be progressive and start from the ground up."

Exactly. I have been listening to the same sounds for hours on end for months and they havent really been getting softer or less annoying.

 

[Mani]

For what it’s worth, the TMS counselor I’m working with now says your window of tolerance for whatever your symptom is will expand all on its own as you lower your nervous arousal.

Yeah. Thats what im tryna get my brain to understand lol