Girls-never-cry or never-feel-sorry-for-yourself: is it a path to TMS?

As I am sorting through my emotional luggage (thanks to Alan and his SEP), it occurred to me that about 10 years ago, while beating back a bad bout of depression on a backdrop of a terrible job situation and terrible family situation, I concluded that the worst thing I could do was to feel sorry for myself or cry.

At that time, I pushed my tears back inside and pulled through - as I thought, quite successfully. I found a great job and a wonderful family therapist who helped me to get through divorce by taking a high road and learning a lot about my self-sufficiency and things got much better.

But since then, as I noticed, I dealt with all my life problems without allowing myself to feel sorry for myself or to let out tears. Is this why TMS caught up with me in a new and frightening way?

Any thoughts on whether girls-never-cry or never-feel-sorry-for-yourself is a path to TMS?

 

Hi TG957,

Yes, if you are not allowing "feel sorry for yourself" feelings or tears, to me this is a non-attuned relationship to yourself. Gently defend your right, to yourself, to allow more. To cry for ourselves is indeed tender and precious. Precious to our hearts. It's OK.

And it often relieves TMS symptoms. It builds more self-intimacy. There is less to defend from, less need for the symptoms.

I had a teacher, training us in self compassion once say, address your point, when someone asked "Is it OK to feel sorry for myself; that does not seem to be self-compassion?" Her answer, and mine:
"Maybe feeling sorry for yourself is way to self-compassion."

You can see and understand the conditioning which makes this move scary for you. See the resistance, allow it, and allow softness when it arises. You might start with saying to yourself: "It is hard for you to feel tears, because this is your habit."

Andy B

 

From Dr. Sarno's 12 Daily Reminders:

"TMS is a harmless condition, caused by my repressed emotions"


"The principle emotion is my repressed anger"


"TMS exists only to distract my attention from the emotions"


"I will shift my attention from the pain to emotional issues"


"I intend to be in control - not my subconscious mind"


"I must think psychological at all times, not physical."

 

Hi TG. I like to think that we do the best with the tools we have at any given time. Perhaps your get tough approach worked for you in the past. And since you were seeing a therapist, you were at least somewhat in tune with what you needed emotionally.
And maybe now you're seeking a different approach. Nothing wrong with that. We need different things at different times in our lives, and change is a part of growth.
Best of luck on your new road!

 

Thank you, Andy! It makes perfect sense!

 

Gigi,
Thank you for encouragement!