funny how memories work

I never thought much of this memory before, but today I finally realized why I've been carrying it around with me since I was 4 or 5. Until now I truly thought this memory was still with me simply because it was the first memory I have of a cat purring (and I have a strong affection for cats). The cat that was purring was mine and I can remember carrying him into the living room so my mother could help me help the cat. I thought the sound was a sign of distress. My mother was visiting with someone and I have always remembered the visitor telling me that "his motor was running because he was happy".

Today this memory came into my head, this time it brought along it's real reason for still being there. What had been missing during previous recollections was the laughter. My concern for my pet was met with laughter from the adults I went to for help. As an adult I can certainly see the humor of a purring cat being a problem. Today, as Little Leslie, I felt the pain from the laughter and I now realize that memory is with me because I'm not finished with it yet. Little Leslie expects her pain and fear will be minimized and met with laughter when she expresses a need for help. No wonder I have such a hard time asking anyone for anything.

 

With the family drama I simply had not one to ask for help - so I became my sole source of support and just guessed at what was right!!

Then I became the profesional that everyone else came to for support and answers and that allowed me to further distance myself from getting support -I was the expert and experts dont need help.

 

I too was the one that everyone turned to for advisement or help - from the time I was a child. My family used to affectionately kid me that I was "Lucy" with the lucy booth. Enough said! An expert as a kid

 

For me being an expert allowed my ego to take control and shut off my emotions...more living in my head!