Frustration in Groups

I went to "happy hour" today with a work group. I rarely drink but I did have a drink with the group. I really don't feel connected to this group but there was quite a bit of subtle pressure to attend today. I often experience some frustration/disconnection in group settings generally.

Today, as I was sitting with the group, I felt a significant intensification in my left temple symptoms, something like trigeminal neuralgia. The symptom is there every day now but this was definitely an intensification. I initially thought it may be from the alcoholic beverage but now I think it may have been the social discomfort.

I am so annoyed with this experience and with myself. I want things to be smooth but they are not. Do I push myself to stay? Do I disconnect even further and leave or maybe not attend at all? It seems like the leaders at work want to do even more of these sorts of gatherings in order to team build.

This (frustration in groups) has been a pattern for much of my life. The pattern definitely emerged in childhood.

I don't know if always relying on therapy to "work things out" is such a good idea (although I am seeing a therapist every other week). Not sure what to do with this. Definitely frustrated.

 

Hi Hiawatha,

I have had similar issues to what you describe with group socializing most of my life. I either avoided such activities or attended only out of a sense of obligation. And like you these situations would often trigger TMS. But recently I feel that my practice of mindfulness is helping me enjoy being with groups of people more. I try to stop thinking (especially judging) and place my awareness outside myself. Instead, I try to focus on the other people and really listen to what they have to say without judgement. Like anything, it requires practice, focus, and awareness, and I am certainly a beginner.

 

Thanks Ellen. I too am practicing mindfulness. For some reason, yesterday felt more out of control than usual. I'm wondering if bringing more attention to emotional issues experienced in childhood may create more of a sensitivity or vulnerability in our lives.

 

Hi, Hiawatha. Thinking and journaling about repressed emotions in childhood can be emotionally hard,
and was for me, but I learned so much about myself and those who gave me traumas that I began
to understand them and me better and that led to forgiving them and myself.

Getting to really know ourselves may not be an easy journey, but well worth it.

 

Hi Hi,
If your job depends on it go, if not don't go but you will perhaps be missing out on brownie(nose) points with the boss. Or, get self-employed and do what you want. Calling it trigeminal neuralgia plays into the hands of the physical, there has been discussion of T.N. here that it can be/is TMS. Since this is the TMS board why not call it TMS?--unless a TMS doc dx'es it otherwise.

That's one great advantage docs have on us civilians, they know how to spell better. They seem to be coming up with new diseases that were NEVER heard of 50 years ago like trigiminimal neuralgia, shoguns or is it shogruns or shotguns, that Venus Williams supposedly has or a virus like her sis Serena came down with at their Wimbledon doubles--I personally think it was "twirking disease"--look it up on Youtube: "Serena twirking".

As Dave the mod at the other TMS board said:

"If it ends with "itis" or "algia" or "syndrome" and doctors can't figure out what causes it, then it might be TMS."

 

Yes, I agree. I felt much more sensitive and on the edge emotionally when I first started journaling. It still comes and goes in waves. It may just be that I am feeling my emotions more and repressing less. Not sure.

 

Yes, Walt and Ellen, I think that journaling and processing repressed emotions is definitely a valuable, albeit difficult, process.

Tennis Tom, the employment issue is complex, at least that's how I see it right now. Maybe this complexity will evolve over time. Not meeting "unwritten" social expectations can sometimes lead to quite a bit of stress for me. I am certain that this is connected to my childhood experiences. Nevertheless, this is where I am today. I want to continue unpacking some of these experiences.

 

Shot in the dark but does getting drunk frighten you? I'm what I was consider on the edge of being a shy person or out of all my socially awkward buddies, I'm the least socially uncomfortable. Many of my more socially uncomfortable friends used to be very afraid to go to the bar with me.

What if they got drunk and did something stupid?
What if they said something offensive?
What if they lost control?
What if they drank too much and got sick?
What if they acted like their parents did when their parents got drunk?

The list goes on.

I'm wondering if any of these fears apply to you? So you have a social setting (discomfort) plus drinking (extra discomfort).

All I can say is that you won't do any of those things if you just have one. One and done and you are safe. Just tell yourself, I will only have one and I will go and I will be safe. (Drink slowly and have an appetizer.)

It might help! Good luck!

...and if I'm way off the mark, then just forget all this.

 

Thank you, Waterbear, for your comments. I really don't think this is so much about the alcohol or the possibility of saying/doing things that I may later regret. It seems more about who I spend time with--and whether or not I enjoy that time. There are groups that I have enjoyed and, at times, that has included alcohol.

I think the root of this issue for me relates to my personality type, as well as childhood experiences (which undermined self-esteem).

 

Is it all groups or just this group in particular? Do you feel uncomfortable in crowds? Some of us are highly sensitive people. We pick up on the energies of those around us which can be uncomfortable or cause physical symptoms. There are ways to shield yourself, such as imagining a cylinder of white light around ourselves to shield ourselves from the perhaps negative energy of others.

 

I've noticed a pattern of groups in general--but certainly some more than others. There are group experiences I enjoy too. But I mostly prefer smaller gatherings and one-on-one conversations.

 

This is hilarious, as well as being pretty darn useful.