Day 13 Frustration = anger+fear

[jokeysmurf]

yesterday was a difficult day at work. I had so many errands before and that was fine. Work was very frustrating. I came home and I initially felt angry. I was talking to a friend about to and I could felt my body flipping on switches of physical pain throughout my body. I thought well this confirms that emotions are the seed of TMS. Then I thought but why when I feel angry do I have symptoms? Am I afraid of them? I realized it was frustration, which means to some extent I want them to go away and below that I felt some fear, I did feel fear of feeling angry or sad. I’m not sure why but maybe because it feels like it could get away from me or that I’m not sure how to handle it. I realized I was trying to control my anger but then i decided to let it be with me pain or not. The pain came and went as did old symptoms. I went for a long walk then I decided to go to the gym.

It took a good effort to calm down. I burned up some energy at the gym. I really dislike that the gym is becoming some kind of solution. I want to be able to sit with these things but I don’t want to be consumed by them. However I was able to come to a realization. I have been monitoring my progress again. This is why I’m stuck once again a lot. Prior to this day I had been trying not to monitor how much anxiety I had and I had been waking with dizziness and vertigo. After the frustration I didn’t even think about it and they weren’t present.

I was able to reflect, how in this process the goal is yet again not to get rid of the pain but become independent of the outcome. I need to let go of the internal monitoring and the timeline. I can sense that there is one. Last time I made this decision I really made progress. Then I found myself monitoring my success and realized I developed s time line again.

Also I think some of these tools have specific times when to be used. Somatic tracking works when my inner child needs tending to. This is usually not during anxiety or vertigo spells, instead if I continue with my day and basically ignore or just say yup it’s there and continue with my day I do much better. I think too much otherwise.

Exercise has given me the ability to push myself and see where the point is where my body will over react to stress. It gives me a sense of how far I have come and how far I have to go without putting a number to it. It allows me to be a shaky semi dizzy mess afterward which allows my brain to learn that once again my sensations aren’t caused by something structural but emotions or stress.

I guess the frustrating day was a blessing in disguise however. Does it ever go back to normal? Meaning will I continue to experience physical pain when I feel frustrated? Is this going to be the new norm from now on?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi jokeysmurf,

I really appreciate the depth of your inquiry. I think you nailed it about the anger activating stuff because it for parts of you it isn't OK to simply be angry. There is inner reaction to the anger, perhaps fear, yes, and also usually for me, there is Inner Critic activity. I learned at a young age that anger cut me off from the love of my parents.

You are learning so much, on so many levels! I don't know that your questions need be answered, nor perhaps can they be, exactly. The core of this is your loving inquiry, your steadfast awareness and growing confidence. These elements penetrate the situation, bring healing, regardless of the particulars.

Andy B

 

[jokeysmurf]

I didn’t fear anger before TMS, I used to blow up or blow off steam as needed. However I started fearing my anger and sadness when TMS started because it would spiral into a cascade of symptoms. I know that even before this I did suppress my anger too much or internalized it too much but working with a Somatic therapist we did healthy aggression exercises.

But as I dig deeper, beneath that, yes there is a part of me that isn’t OK being angry because it means that I let something get to me which means pressure and criticism= frustration and fear. So here we come full circle. It seems that pressure and criticism are a source for a majority of this now. I’m seeing a very visible pattern. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of mediocrity, pressure to do the right thing, be responsible, impress my dad, impress others on and on. Wow all this is tied with these emotions.

Thanks Andy writings this reply out just made me realize this a bit more.