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Frustrated, Depressed and In Pain

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by donavanf, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. donavanf

    donavanf Well known member

    I've had a rough week. It's the year anniversary of my dad's death, and also the year anniversary of a big car accident I was in. I've been struggling financially, though there is much light at the end of the tunnel with the last issue, as I have a significant settlement check coming my way in the next two weeks, from said accident. This will allow me to pay some outstanding bills, have a tiny nest egg and also buy a new car, which I may use to generate additional income beyond my photography business, driving part time for Lyft. I feel good about this. Three years ago, I was in daily horrible upper back, neck and shoulder pain, having constant panic attacks, and in a dead end job I hated. I could barely drive. Now, my pain is at least 75% better, job is history, I am working on building a business and the panic attacks have ceased, thanks to therapy, meditation and medication. I can drive with minimal pain or fear. Here is where I am having a hard time. Despite doing a LOT of work on myself, I still have TMS. This week is the worst it has been in over a year. Which (consciously) I know makes total sense. The first paragraph of this post should tell me all I need to know. But I feel angry at my body. Angry that I have TMS. Angry that I have pain. I did a big photo shoot about three days ago, lifted a lot of heavy equipment and during the shoot (and the night of the shoot) I had almost no discomfort. This is a HUGE step forward. I could barely lift my camera three years ago, when this TMS reared it's head. Now, I did a big shoot with no pain! BUT, the next day and the following days, my neck feels like it is in a vice, my shoulders and upper back are all killing me and I feel exhausted. I am very out of shape. I just turned 45 (my dad died last year on the day after my birthday, and I was in the car accident 3 hours after I found out he had died). I don't do much exercise, save for walking. If I do ANY strength training targeting my upper back, I am in agony. I hurt today because I used those muscles for my photo shoot. I used to be able to shoot and have just ZERO subsequent pain. Am I getting old? Do I need to just push through? I went down the PT route and it only made me worse, till I figured out I had TMS. I want to strengthen my upper back and neck, but it's like my TMS won't let me. I am getting really good at noticing when I am "bracing" or "tensing" those muscles. And I do it ALL the time. I am probably (unconsciously) bracing and tensing those muscles when I am shooting, doing PhotoShop on my computer, driving, and all the other things that tend to trigger me. So, how do I exercise and get fit without concentrating on those muscles. I am letting my TMS make me afraid of any movement. So what happens is I am sedentary, except when I have to shoot photos, and I get into a cycle of pain. I would love any help or input. I know this is a big post, but mostly, just a cry for encouragement. It feels like I am SO close to getting all better, and I fall right back into the pit.
  2. Tennis Tom

    Tennis Tom Beloved Grand Eagle

    You've come a long way baby! Thank TMS for the PROTECTION it's given you in your time of need--that was Dr. Sarno's view--TMS is a PROTECTOR not a punisher.

    The best thing I can tell you to do is read SteveO's new little TMS booster book, DR. JOHN SARNO'S TOP 10 HEALING DISCOVERIES. It's only about 60 pages $2.99 on Kindle. It will address and answer all the TMS doubts you are experiencing now. You can Kindle it and start reading right now. (Also paragraphs please, it's easier on the eyes :snaphappy:.

    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
    donavanf likes this.
  3. donavanf

    donavanf Well known member

    Thank you, TT. It's interesting you say that, because my #1 challenge is BOUNDARIES. I am right now, in the midst of dealing with an annoying roommate situation as well as some family issues. The more I feel walked on, like a doormat, the more my neck hurts. Protector, indeed.

    TMS is like my psychological smoke alarm.

    Will read the new Ozanich, "The Great Pain Deception" was paramount in my healing journey.

    Paragraphs ahoy!
    Tennis Tom likes this.
  4. David88

    David88 Well known member

    Hi Donavan,

    Perhaps your plan to exercise those back muscles is just putting an unhelpful expectation on yourself. Do you enjoy exercising, or do you think you "ought to"? After all, your pain isn't from weakness, it's from TMS. Exercising won't make TMS go away.

    You felt fine during the photo shoot, but days later you are tired and tense. That's not from the physical activity, that's TMS.

    Perhaps worrying about exercising is just another thing that keeps you focused on the pain.

    donavanf likes this.
  5. donavanf

    donavanf Well known member

    Good thoughts. It is definitely putting an unhelpful expectation on myself. Thank you for helping me realize that. I think I'm still stuck in what my PT told me when I first stated having Upper back/neck/shoulder pain. "Your postural muscles need strengthening, and your core is weak, that is why your muscles hurt. It's all from bad posture". I gave up totally on posture when I read Sarno. Not wanting to "throw the baby out with the bathwater", I decided recently to try to keep good posture, but of course, my "OCD" tendencies lean toward obsessing about it. When I relax, my back feels better. The more I try to "stand up straight" or "force it" I feel worse. And exercise is a MAJOR trigger for me. I have never liked it, never done it, and often hurt myself when I try. I was the kid with his nose in a book, with a sickness excuse, when everyone else was running laps in P.E. I want to exercise for health, but I get "triggered" every time I do it.
  6. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi donavanf,

    I'll make two suggestions:

    The first is that just doing your job fairly regularly, like lifting things should take care of your muscles, unless you're maybe in your 80's, which does not appear to be the case. These gyms and PT outfits overly focus on muscles, and have a completely physical view when it comes to pain. Or it is about "posture," or the way you walk, etc. Sarno says this is nonsense. It is nonsense in my opinion too. I have poor posture. My father had poor posture and lived to be 95 with no pain. Someone made up this silliness, and millions of people believe it.

    The second is that if you recognize both the progress you've made, and your past TMS experience, and simply expect to be in some pain, because you are prone to TMS, this will be a huge relief. You're not going to fix the pain with PT or posture, and you're not going to fix the pain thinking you need to fix the pain with TMS practices. Simply allow it! You're not failing. You're living.

    Andy B
    Tennis Tom and Boston Redsox like this.
  7. Tennis Tom

    Tennis Tom Beloved Grand Eagle

    Pure unadulterated bull shit, as they say in dirty talking meditation yoga class. You've been noceboed big time by this quackPTer. "Bad posture" is more BS, here's a yoga chart, which is the "bad posture"?

    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
    donavanf likes this.
  8. lexylucy

    lexylucy Well known member

    I love to exercise but I find it triggers me too. I think the key is to find a form of exercise that you think is fun. I love to swim and dance. When I did very specific arduous PT exercises for my lower back pain I found I got a lot stronger but the pain was MUCH worse. And my focus on the pain increased. I am so happy not to be in that place anymore!! I can't tell you how many practitioners offered me no hope whatsoever -implying that I would forever be in pain and thereby always be in need of their services. What absolute leaches!

    I believe that how we hold our body can cause pain but it is often the EMOTIONAL aspect of this holding that is causing the crux of the pain. As we are willing to open up to ourselves and let in love and light we release our withholdings and the pain is relieved naturally.


    donavanf and Tennis Tom like this.
  9. lexylucy

    lexylucy Well known member

    Laughing is also very good exercise as Walt will tell you :)

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