I've had a rough week. It's the year anniversary of my dad's death, and also the year anniversary of a big car accident I was in. I've been struggling financially, though there is much light at the end of the tunnel with the last issue, as I have a significant settlement check coming my way in the next two weeks, from said accident. This will allow me to pay some outstanding bills, have a tiny nest egg and also buy a new car, which I may use to generate additional income beyond my photography business, driving part time for Lyft. I feel good about this. Three years ago, I was in daily horrible upper back, neck and shoulder pain, having constant panic attacks, and in a dead end job I hated. I could barely drive. Now, my pain is at least 75% better, job is history, I am working on building a business and the panic attacks have ceased, thanks to therapy, meditation and medication. I can drive with minimal pain or fear. Here is where I am having a hard time. Despite doing a LOT of work on myself, I still have TMS. This week is the worst it has been in over a year. Which (consciously) I know makes total sense. The first paragraph of this post should tell me all I need to know. But I feel angry at my body. Angry that I have TMS. Angry that I have pain. I did a big photo shoot about three days ago, lifted a lot of heavy equipment and during the shoot (and the night of the shoot) I had almost no discomfort. This is a HUGE step forward. I could barely lift my camera three years ago, when this TMS reared it's head. Now, I did a big shoot with no pain! BUT, the next day and the following days, my neck feels like it is in a vice, my shoulders and upper back are all killing me and I feel exhausted. I am very out of shape. I just turned 45 (my dad died last year on the day after my birthday, and I was in the car accident 3 hours after I found out he had died). I don't do much exercise, save for walking. If I do ANY strength training targeting my upper back, I am in agony. I hurt today because I used those muscles for my photo shoot. I used to be able to shoot and have just ZERO subsequent pain. Am I getting old? Do I need to just push through? I went down the PT route and it only made me worse, till I figured out I had TMS. I want to strengthen my upper back and neck, but it's like my TMS won't let me. I am getting really good at noticing when I am "bracing" or "tensing" those muscles. And I do it ALL the time. I am probably (unconsciously) bracing and tensing those muscles when I am shooting, doing PhotoShop on my computer, driving, and all the other things that tend to trigger me. So, how do I exercise and get fit without concentrating on those muscles. I am letting my TMS make me afraid of any movement. So what happens is I am sedentary, except when I have to shoot photos, and I get into a cycle of pain. I would love any help or input. I know this is a big post, but mostly, just a cry for encouragement. It feels like I am SO close to getting all better, and I fall right back into the pit.