Hi
@cloud
First of all you are not "so messed up". Having a strong reaction to completely changing the way you think about yourself does in deed evoke pretty strong physical sensations in many (perhaps most) people. If you are working on an "evidence sheet" (a tool used to help with doubt, something you can keep and also use into the future) this is a wonderful entry. As soon as you began to work on the emotional you had a physical reaction. Proof that mind influences body.
The second thing you need to do is to begin to see that you are blaming yourself which equates being hard on yourself. Begin to notice where and when that shows up in your life and how you can begin to change that story about yourself. Self-compassion is often a key for folks who have TMS. However, it's self compassion without self-victimization (which can show up in many forms, some you don't expect!).
It's OK to have symptoms. Even when they are raging and hard. It is OK to be vulnerable and admit you feel crappy both physically and emotionally while doing this work. It's hard work. Apologize to hubby, let him know how hard this work is and that you'll do your best to work though it but it means you are gonna be feeling big things and you are no longer going to stuff them down to appease everyone around you. It's a big adjustment for you, and for those around you. Learning curve for everyone.
Keep working on these things. If the feelings, emotions, sensations, symptoms are raging then simply slow it down. Why not simply start with listening to Sarno. Nothing more. Over the next week or two or even month, just let his message sink in. Observe. Fill in an evidence sheet
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-benefit-of-an-evidence-sheet.2292/ when you feel you are curious to see how you'd do adding another TMS tool, then add one of your choice. You could choose to do the SEP, journal, meditate and just choose one thing. Experiment and see how that goes. Some people find they are very resistant to meditation which forces you to slow down and move inside of yourself. You might instead to try gentle qui gong or tai chi practices (as best as you can, you may have to experiment with it) and there are many very short gentle practices (I use Youtube as my guide) if you would have less mental resistance to a moving meditation. You might choose a walking meditation, to lay instead of sit. Experiment with silence, guided meditations, breathing or mantras. Be curious. Notice the resistance. As a matter of fact, the raging symptoms you face right now are a form of resistance towards doing the work. Noticing and being mindful of where there are mind/body connections is a form of doing the emotional work.
The idea is that you'll begin to view the TMS things as safe. Right now, your brain has you believing that it was keeping you safe by giving you symptoms - it was keeping you safe from feeling and experiencing difficult emotions in your body. It's like being in a bar fight where you are each upending tables in circles around yourself ... yelling "NO, I'm RIGHT!" at each other over what keeps you more safe (imagining beer tankards flying, and the peasants fleeing the area makes the scenario all that more fun to watch as you observe it within yourself!). It doesn't necessarily make sense, but it will over time. You are coming in and telling your brain that everything it was trying to do is a complete and utter waste of time and a big fat failure in your ability to not just survive, but thrive in life. It can only see survival mode. You're past that, and want quality of life which is big and broad and not just being stuffed in a tiny box of pain and suffering.
The only way out is through. You may suffer for a little while longer, but you need faith that you will make your way though. Reading or listening to stories is a great way to continue to build faith in yourself. Nichole Sach's podcasts are great for this "The Cure For Chronic Pain", but there are many other places to find these stories too (Dan Buglio, I enjoy Miriam of Pain Outside The Box on youtube as well - she has a great recovery story). One of the biggest pieces of the puzzle for me is when a TMS coach (who had recovered of her own symptoms) is that we have to learn to be uncomfortable with discomfort - that includes both physical and emotional discomfort and it is simply part of the human condition ... however the suffering through it can be temporary if we learn the skills to see it for what it is.
Today is a hard day, perhaps tomorrow will begin to be better.
