From hero to zero

Writing this as much for my own piece of mind as much as asking for help

Things were going so well

Was a lot more comfortable in body as shown by doing more exercise especially, phasing in more and more
Days still consisted of reading (was currently using the great pain deception),
Introducing more and more activity ( was even starting to sweat a bit),
And planning for future - I'm self employed and not worked in anger for 2 1/2 years so there's been an element of acclimatising myself with a view to doing just that


Then a week ago while exercising I got a sharp pain in my back that then developed over the next 5-6 days
Most sore burning pain around the low back and hips/buttocks

Then yesterday, worse again and a need to take some tramadol - 6 total
However, not only did it not alleviate but got worse, not helped by feelings of dizziness and vertigo that I've never experienced before

I tried to stay calm, to focus on my mind but it just got worse and developed into an acute attack of spasms that I knew only the morphine, gas and air routine would help and so the need to make a call to the emergency services.

Fast forward 12 hours and I'm back home and stable enough (though the dizziness on standing is very uncomfortable not to mention distressing because of the knock on effect to some back symptoms)

I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all as well as what to do next

Las night I just didn't want to try anymore
Now i do, but just can't figure what's missing

Going back to the first symptoms and regressing some 5-6 days ago I can only imagaine it's my preoccupation with anxiety around exercise

Perhaps focusing on the body too much and waiting fto r something bad to happen
Then when it did my fears and anxiety were all conditioned

Yes, I have those traits and plenty of current pressures but I did feel like I had addressed them in the conscious

Or my unconscious not totally accepted - even if my conscious has

All in all, just feel very confused and very isolated and very desperate


Maybe it's time to acknowledge external help in the shape of a therapist is required?
(I live in U.K. And started reading the SIRPA web information)

I just don't think I can take many more hits like this

Thanks for reading
Mike

 

This is indeed frustrating and scary, Mike - I'm so sorry! As long as you've been checked out for the new symptoms (the dizziness) and you're not being advised to do anything medically urgent, it seems like it makes sense to keep working on the assumption that your symptoms are TMS.

Steve O himself has examples of the extreme symptoms that can occur simply because your brain is fighting back really hard against your success in banishing symptoms. Because here's the thing: if you don't have physical symptoms to distract you, you might look at your repressed negative emotions, and your primitive fearful brain thinks is way too dangerous to allow.

The thing is, this kind of extreme reaction probably means that you haven't yet accessed the deep stuff. I think you must know this on some level, because you asked the question:

To which the answer is most likely - yes, it's time. And, just like accepting the TMS diagnosis to begin with, it can't hurt. It might be emotionally difficult, but you know it's better than depending on the meds, and a whole lot better than remaining in pain.

Good luck, Mike, we are pulling for you!

~Jan

 

Mike, I just looked at the title of your post - "from hero to zero". It makes me sad, because I would like you to know - to really know, in your heart - that in this work, any success at all is a HUGE big deal! Think about it - in addition to whatever we've experienced and are experiencing that give us our symptoms in the first place, we've been raised in a culture which teaches us to look solely to health professionals to "cure" us. Making the decision to accept the power of the mind-body connection and to start to undo a way of thought that you've had all your life, is not easy! It takes a 180-degree mind shift, in which you have to learn how to listen to your negative self-talk, and it requires examining the emotional experiences which shaped who you are and how you react to your adult life.

That's a very challenging prescription. My additional prescription: you need to give yourself a lot of credit for being here in the first place. And, please, love yourself enough that you know that you deserve to recover.

~Jan

 

Mike, sorry to hear about your flare-up. I think Jan gave you excellent advice. I can only add that you probably need to work on reducing your anxiety and worry. Have you tried Dr. Claire Weekes audios? They have been a godsend for me and many people here on the forum.

 

Thanks so much for the advice so far guys. I deliberately had a bit of time off 'TMS' including the forum after posting just so to get my head rested and in order, so to speak again (even grieve a little)

I'm not actually on the forum loads as I feel it can do more harm than good in continuing the cycle of TMS but it is such a fantastic support system so thanks again


Jan - Its funny you mention Steve Ozanich as I was indeed been reading his main book from about 2 weeks ago and it was his teaching and inspiration that made me really 'push on' for want of a better description

I was making sound progress since discovering TMS in August but via reading Steve's book I really pushed on with my exercise for one

Trying not to listen to any existing symptom
And then not paying too much attention to some new ones because thats exactly what happened preceding the most painful episode this weekend

The 'fighting back' couldn't have been more evident both before this weekend and then when the severe acute attack occurred

I've had time to digest and I'll take what has happened to TMS fighting back and prepare to fight back myself ; - ))


The deep stuff as you call it is part of what I'm thinking has happened as well
When I took a step back and thought about what I was doing with the exercise, it also must have meant that it has (as yet) not been 100% truly accepted
By that I mean my conscious couldn't be more agreeable but the unconscious is probably (sadly) not so agreeable (quite yet)

So it is indeed onto the next step which for now will be a little R and D into whats available within the therapy market
I'm actually very fine with the idea of it as I myself am a coach (within health and fitness) so I know the value of working with someone and how significant that can be to positive change, whatever the field


Being that its UK, I'm going to check out SIRPA and through another post I've come across another TMS coach (runningpain.com) that I've already had time to read and found what he had to say very interesting and agreeable with thoughts/problems I've encountered with TMS since making the discovery

 

I must admit it was a bit of a flippant remark for the title that just came to me in a flash but obviously one that I was in touch with, at least at the time I did it.

It also probably comes from my writing as I did do a lot of content and material via blogs/email newsletters and contributing to a book or two as part of my job

So when I'm writing headlines/chapter titles etc, know the ability of a punchline to get noticed (LOL) and that has most probably transferred into practically any writing I do...even in a forum

I do though give myself plenty of credit for how far I've come thus far

For the 2 years of battle prior to being introduced to Dr Sarno

And then for the improvements (with the odd speed bump) since August till now

And then even the quickish improvements since Saturday when I was lying in a hospital bed on morphine but then walked 2-3 miles today : - ))


I honestly do need to do it more often though so thanks for pointing that out as well - Extremely valuable - Many thanks - Mike

 

You're right and its another good reason why, as well as working on this alone, I need external help from a therapist

I can't describe how much I've took on board since reading Dr Sarnos books in the first instance especially

How the personality traits were spot on especially

But I think they themselves can make this so hard if you let them

Looking for the best/perfect answer and worrying that you have not yet found it is just on example of many I could write about

(this is what has made the coach - sorry, the name escapes me right now - on runningpain.com so interesting to me on first glance)

I have indeed been introduced to Dr Claire Weekes and have listened to her main audiobook which I found very helpful and insightful but that was only 2-3 weeks ago so a bit more repetition on that one is perhaps needed

Thanks again

Mike

"To infinity and beyond" : - ))

 

Mike, as it turns out, our subconscious mind is not as good at learning as our conscious mind is, so repetition is the key. I listen to Dr. Weekes audio at least few times a week, often on my way to work and I noticed that when I start replaying it in my memory, just the first words "this is Dr. Weekes speaking" put me in a calmer state of mind. Our brains work in mysterious ways...