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Four years of crying now

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Beawake, Dec 18, 2020.

  1. Beawake

    Beawake New Member

    I need to let it out today

    im fed up of feeling sad, the last four years i have been crying every week and letting this fear win

    when pain is lower such as a 2 i can be strong and be more positive but when it’s higher which is alot im just a whimp

    i want to be able to do normal things like sot on my fu c king sofa without pain! Every morning i sit on it to have breakfast and it kicks off, if i dont sit there and do stuff my day will be easier but then I feel tms is winning by me avoiding my own home! I want to sit on my sofa in the morning like a lazy tired mum chill out the do my day but it’s impossible and i feel its ridiculous that i cant do a simple normal thing
    Ive been reconditioning other areas such as people and walking and do okay there but i cant keep Avoiding my living room lots as im sure thats telling my brain its good to have pain there, ive tried sitting there for small times and shouting at my brain or soothing and i just get scared or sad

    please help me guys? I just want to feel saine and fearless
    Balsa11 likes this.
  2. ARP

    ARP New Member

    The first step is recognizing what your fear trigger is - the couch.
    The second step is just taking a deep damn breath, being brave, and riding it out by challenging that fear - being a tired mom who sits on her damn sofa!!!

    I know it is hard, but I feel like it is the anticipation of the act that makes things more unbearable than actually just DOING IT, riding it out, and seeing whatever happens. Sitting on your sofa is *not* going to kill you. It may be uncomfortable, yes, but so are most healing activities. It becomes a matter of how much you are willing to tolerate in the short term for the long term gain.

    I believe in you! I listened to this podcast yesterday, and it has a lot of do regarding the anxiety we have around certain TMS activities (which connect to wanting to control things) and what to do when we are in a moment of panic or anxiety over something causing us distress (like our TMS symptoms).

    https://podbay.fm/p/the-cure-for-chronic-pain-with-nicole-sachs-lcsw/e/1601614800 (101: Episode 101 - Anxiety and Our Lack of Control from The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW | Podcast Episode on Podbay)

    I hope this helps in any way - cheering for you!
    Idearealist and JanAtheCPA like this.
  3. Beawake

    Beawake New Member

    Thank you so much for your help, i try to ride it out and it gets worse, should i just let it get worse? I find it so hard not to fear when it raises up especially as it then stays most of the day that way and i cant concentrate on people im with or doing much. I know fear is keeping me in pain as when i get confidence it lowers or fights back jn a way where i dont care, but damm fear gets me to much and this part of me somewhere deep down doesnt believe i can do this

    i totally freaked out reading some one elses post where they are still in pain afyer 8 years and then few others said the same and then my fear went right up
    Balsa11 likes this.
  4. ARP

    ARP New Member

    See what you did here? Awareness - you started worrying based on someone else's experience which made you anxious and fearful, which increases and perpetuates your pain.

    I encourage you to listen to the podcast I posted - I think, absed on what you are saying - you are struggling with the idea of accepting and surrendering to the fact that you are having the pain. Nicole gives some tips with how to deal with that, when the pain is relenting - you just have to let go and get out of the way and try not to live in fear (10000000% easier said than done, I know that). Just try to find comfort in the fact that: pain is created in the brain. It isn't going to kill you - it may seem like it, but it won't. It is your body trying to protect you and distract you from addressing underlying emotions going on.

    Maybe this pain represents something much bigger in your life than you realize which is why you are having a hard time moving past it - that is how journaling can be so helpful. I have realized that my pain persisted for so long because I was often neglected by my parents - my mom was a nurse, and when I was sick, I would get actual love, attention and comfort from her. I believe this is why when I get stressed - particularly by not taking care of myself - my body starts to give me so many whacky symptoms as a way to try to get what I need from other people. The rage I have that is driving my pain response is rooted in that original neglect.

    You are going to find a solution and healing path that works for you - it gets better, I promise!
    Balsa11 and JanAtheCPA like this.
  5. Beawake

    Beawake New Member

    Thank you i really appreciate it i will listen to the podcast tonight

    i journaled my whole life and it dodnt work sadly, i tried journaling the days but that too did nothing

    i do know why i have tms, mother had tms and treated me like shit creating fear, dad left felt alone got bullied in school and was alwasy scared always in fear mode of something else happening to me. I know i do t love myself enough and i wonder is there some deep thi g i need to uncover but it never happens when i try to dig so i gave up the writing.

    i think my thought patterns create tension a s as you said i have not fully surrendered to the pain because i hold onto that fear and what if i wont heal, and even with proof as one day i managed two pain free hours and ive gone from a suicidle 20/10 to a 3/10 baseline, and I still don’t believe!!! Why cant i surrender ans believe!!

    it means so much you replied to me xx
    Balsa11 likes this.
  6. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Maybe try rolling around on the couch to convince yourself the pain can move and change? If anxiety is the main thing left, that can be a better place to start.
    Beawake likes this.
  7. ARP

    ARP New Member

    What kind of journaling are you doing? Journaling without a specific intention of unpacking emotions is not always a therapeutic route as much as it can be a pity party for ourselves. I would really recommend trying to find a somatic experiencing therapist in your city if you can. Nicole Sachs outlines (in that podcast) how and why her type of Journaling can be healing.

    And you can't surrender and believe because you are suffering from lack of confidence - this leads you to have lacking self trust and doubts - it reads all over your posts. I feel like you are at a cross road right now, but I simply ask - how much longer are you willing to suffer? The decision to break the habit of being your old self is a radical and scary one, but it has MASSIVE pay offs. Perhaps start with the "Curable" app to get tips and tricks for how to start re-wiring your pain out of panic or fight/flight mode. You said you have already been doing some re-conditioning in some areas of your life, like walking, so it really becomes an exercise in just being as brave as you can to challenge your pre-established belief systems. I believe you can do it!
    Balsa11 likes this.
  8. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    I find focusing on daily emotional/physical progress and journaling on patterns (repeating triggers/fears) can help, and you can look at the new thoughts you wrote when you need to find a better thought. Journaling doesn't have to be a daily thing like deep breathing/mindset shifting.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2020

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