Found self-anger, now what?

E

Elwin Melite

New Member
Hello,

I've been working through the exercise in "Unlearn Your Pain" and discovered a whole bunch of anger that have at myself for various past events and decisions that went poorly. I'm happy that I discovered it but am a little lost at what to do now. What do I do with this information now? Please give me some options for dealing with it.
 
I don't know Schubiners deal... I am a Sarno 'purist'.. I have glanced at other peoples work, but I feel like a lot of them have complicated things and added little non-essential things.

When I had 'aha' moments with anger I didn't always feel them though I knew they were things I should be angry about, SO...when I caught myself paying attention to the symptoms of TMS I would intentionally run violent fantasies about harming people who F'd with me, I would go break things and air out the grievance during a pretty dramatic tantrum, I went shooting and destroyed furniture and I wrote out detailed lists of how the people/places I was angry at should be harmed, corrected etc... I think I wrote those lists every day. It is not 'journaling' which to me doesn't seem productive unless it is prying lose and bringing to awareness why we are so angry

After being pain free awhile and staying vigilant I realized I needed some help with some of them so I went and saw a Shrink for a limited number of sessions just to get some tools, but Mind you I did it after the symptoms were gone... I just didn't want TMS or to be walking around that angry....but it was very necessary and I had quite a speedy recovery

The main 'connection' I was trying to make is THOSE things were why I needed a symptom. I stopped thinking of myself as a sufferer of anything and started viewing myself as emotionally constipated...and it worked!

hope that helps
 
The best contribution to Sarno's methods that I found from Schubiner's books is exactly what you're describing with the intentionally run violent fantasies.

This is a great time to do some mental memory transformations... Imagine somebody who victimized you once upon a time- you turn the tables on them and murder them graphically and become the victor, instead of the victim. If you do it in a funny, bloody sort of way like an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon (like in the Simpsons) then that does the trick.

Instead of dragging old 'woe is me and my bad memories' around with you, you turn these terrible old memories into knee slapping heart racing good times.

A fun mental game could be called 'Strangleball'. You imagine somebody who at some point has been standing there yelling into your face (a real memory)- a parent, sibling, teacher, principal, boss, coworker, relative, whoever. In your mind, you grab them by the throat and strangle them until they turn all red in the face, and their head pops off.

You then go forward with a fun round of baseball, basketball, lacrosse, soccer, football, golfing, etc.... with their head as the ball.

The great thing about this excercise is that it is all between YOU AND YOUR BRAIN! You don't need to tell anybody about it, and you can do it anytime any day anywhere. You don't need to injure or murder anybody in real life. If you go about this type of excercise with every nasty time in your life where somebody victimized you, then you will cover a lot of ground.

I find that when I have done these excercises with a bunch of bad memories, I now remember my new hilarious gory versions where I was champion, and not a miserable, abused piece of shit.
 
I notice you said you have a lot of SELF-anger.
I think that tends to happen when we have been serving others over ourselves. It is more of a habit to be self-critical, and I think the self-anger is a surface anger. It's still a distraction from what is being spoken about... the anger is really with others, but we can't bring ourselves to face the fact that we can have this anger...especially towards people we love.

You don't want to imagine you are going around beating yourself to a bloody pulp, in general, people already to that to themselves with their thoughts!! (I don't think the above posters realized you were really just angry at yourself right now)

Think about what your self-anger could be masking?
Who let you down in life?
Who led you to believe the things about yourself that are making you angry (it might not be a singular person).
Could deep down you actually be angry about the fact you are made to feel self anger because of personality traits or that someone (or entity) in your life gave you messages that it's not OK to be angry with others?
If so, then by all means, use the above tactics. Just don't use them on yourself!
 
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Hi @Elwin Melite and welcome.
Elwin Melite said:
discovered a whole bunch of anger that have at myself
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Like @Cactusflower this is what caught my eye, and she is giving you some valuable ways to figure out why you think you are angry at yourself. She is 100% correct in saying that this is surface anger; another way to put this is that this is a very shallow level of emotion because our negative brains make it SO easy to be angry at ourselves instead of who we are deeply and unconsciously angry at it.

I'm just repeating what she said in a slightly different way. I think this is so important and it's essential to doing this work and getting something out of it.

The word I've been using a lot recently is Vulnerability. It's essential to become vulnerable to really scary really negative and deeply buried emotions in order to find healing and recovery.

How this looks is very different for each person. The guys have given you some very specific ideas that worked for them, but which I can't relate to at all! However, they remind me about two recorded healing sessions that Alan Gordon held for the forum way back in 2012 or so, which are really compelling. Alan really helped me understand how we can visualize fantasy interactions with the people who have hurt us - things we would never do (or in my case say) in real life, yet by consciously allowing and accepting those fantasies to come into our awareness, we can find freedom from the repression we've suffered from in the past.

If you go to my profile page and scroll down below my story, you'll find a section for resources on our forum, and the two links are there. These two audio sessions were instrumental in me being able to find the vulnerability I needed to access the true source of my negative repressed emotions.
 
Thank you Cactusflower and JanA,

What you said really struck a chord with me. I questioned myself and my self-anger, and I thought "yeah, this is the easy way out, I am using this as some type of a cover, or excuse."

Yes, it's anger towards my parents. In the last month I helped my dad with a lot of car repairs and it ate up a lot of my time. I didn't mind it because he'd do it for me if the situation was reversed. But at the end of that I don't think he even said "thank you." Not that I was looking for it or needed it, but it bothered me that he didn't seem to show the least bit of gratitude. And also the dealings with my mom recently were difficult. I do a lot for both of them and I get a "thank you" for maybe every 10th thing that I do. Again, I don't need it but I resent the stinginess of it being offered.

My mother is hard of hearing, and she refuses to wear hearing aid. And I have to shout and repeat myself a lot. I spent 10 years as a teacher, and the two things I vowed never to do again were "shout" and "repeat myself." I resent that she can't just put a hearing aid and instead forces the world to speak up instead.

Even though my dad does not put direct pressure on me, I still feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to perform. I enjoy visiting him and talking to him, but I still feel this pressure underneath.

And sometimes I feel like I've disappointed her because I didn't be the success that she pictured. We had a huge fight a couple of weeks ago and she brought up everything I've done wrong since I was five.

A lot of this has to do with my coping strategy, I think. I had read a lot about stoicism, and the idea that no one can make you angry or make you shout. So I think I made having these feelings of resentment a taboo. I made it so I disappointed myself by feeling this anger and resentment. I pride myself on keeping my cool and not blowing up when I have a fight and showing anger is very taboo, especially with my father.

Wow there's a lot there! Starting to feel better because I'm admitting these things. I'm going to go listen to those two audios now. Thank you so much.
 
Thank you Cactusflower and JanA,

What you said really struck a chord with me. I questioned myself and my self-anger, and I thought "yeah, this is the easy way out, I am using this as some type of a cover, or excuse."

Yes, it's anger towards my parents. In the last month I helped my dad with a lot of car repairs and it ate up a lot of my time. I didn't mind it because he'd do it for me if the situation was reversed. But at the end of that I don't think he even said "thank you." Not that I was looking for it or needed it, but it bothered me that he didn't seem to show the least bit of gratitude. And also the dealings with my mom recently were difficult. I do a lot for both of them and I get a "thank you" for maybe every 10th thing that I do. Again, I don't need it but I resent the stinginess of it being offered.

My mother is hard of hearing, and she refuses to wear hearing aid. And I have to shout and repeat myself a lot. I spent 10 years as a teacher, and the two things I vowed never to do again were "shout" and "repeat myself." I resent that she can't just put a hearing aid and instead forces the world to speak up instead.

Even though my dad does not put direct pressure on me, I still feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to perform. I enjoy visiting him and talking to him, but I still feel this pressure underneath.

And sometimes I feel like I've disappointed her because I didn't be the success that she pictured. We had a huge fight a couple of weeks ago and she brought up everything I've done wrong since I was five.

A lot of this has to do with my coping strategy, I think. I had read a lot about stoicism, and the idea that no one can make you angry or make you shout. So I think I made having these feelings of resentment a taboo. I made it so I disappointed myself by feeling this anger and resentment. I pride myself on keeping my cool and not blowing up when I have a fight and showing anger is very taboo, especially with my father.

Wow there's a lot there! Starting to feel better because I'm admitting these things. I'm going to go listen to those two audios now. Thank you so much.
 
Sometimes we are angry because we feel choices are made for us. Eg Mom not using her hearing aids. Recognize that you are people pleasing: not pleasing yourself is making you angry. You have choices to feel empowered. You can tell your Mom that you will not yell to be heard. That if she wants to communicate she must do what it takes. It works 99% of the time with my very stubborn Mum. Having this anger is fine, but you might begin to recognize you are actually stuck in it because you’ve felt boxed in and don’t have choices. Step back and see how you have been trained to forgo even recognizing you have a choice and how you cater to others emotional well-being over your own well being.
The pressure you put on yourself seems a heavy weight. Are you able to speak to your Mum. Explain how you are your own person and love your parents but are not on this earth to fulfill their every desire for you. Mum seems to have no issues letting you know what she thinks. Maybe it’s time to voice your truth to her, how you see yourself? At least begin to let your own self-know you hear and see YOU, the real you. You don’t have to change! You don’t have to show anger to express yourself but you can certainly FEEL the anger in your body, experience it and feel self-validated.
 
One of the best writing techniques I know of is the unsent letter exercise. The unsent letter is where you tell your loved one, or anybody who has hurt you, exactly how you feel about their behavior and how their behavior has affected you and how you feel about them, deep down, as a result. The unsent letter is where you let the s*** hit the fan and go wherever it will. Don't hold back, let it all out. This is the "I love you, but..." raw truth. When you're done, you could even symbolically put the letter in an envelope, address it, and then burn it. Or run it through the shredder. Your choice!
 
Cactusflower said:
Sometimes we are angry because we feel choices are made for us. Eg Mom not using her hearing aids. Recognize that you are people pleasing: not pleasing yourself is making you angry. You have choices to feel empowered. You can tell your Mom that you will not yell to be heard. That if she wants to communicate she must do what it takes. It works 99% of the time with my very stubborn Mum. Having this anger is fine, but you might begin to recognize you are actually stuck in it because you’ve felt boxed in and don’t have choices. Step back and see how you have been trained to forgo even recognizing you have a choice and how you cater to others emotional well-being over your own well being.
The pressure you put on yourself seems a heavy weight. Are you able to speak to your Mum. Explain how you are your own person and love your parents but are not on this earth to fulfill their every desire for you. Mum seems to have no issues letting you know what she thinks. Maybe it’s time to voice your truth to her, how you see yourself? At least begin to let your own self-know you hear and see YOU, the real you. You don’t have to change! You don’t have to show anger to express yourself but you can certainly FEEL the anger in your body, experience it and feel self-validated.
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Thanks but I don't feel the need to confront my mother about this. She's elderly and she's choosing to be hearing disabled even though hearing aids are covered by insurance. It's her life.

My problems aren't about her at all, it's my resentment, anger, frustrations. I can acknowledge it now and accept it and feel better. This thread helped me uncover it, which was just outside of my awareness. Now I can see it for what it is, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as before. I could fight her until she conformed to my demands of wearing a hearing aid, but that's me continuing to try to make the world conform to me. And that's what I accused her of doing. I don't know how many years she has left and I can accept it. Not in an passive aggressive resentful way, but in a "grand scheme of things" way. I just see it all much clearer now with better perspective. ...And most of my weird mystery pains have diminished. :)
 
You misunderstand.
Setting boundaries, if you so desire, is not about controlling someone else. She doesn’t have to wear a hearing aid if she does not want to but not wearing one can have repercussions.
You don’t have to yell to be heard if you don’t want to. You can choose not to and let her deal with the repercussions, if the yelling is part of what angers you, the feeling forced and backed into a corner. This wasn’t to simply be taken literally, it was meant as an example of how you don’t have to constantly swallow anger - or be controlled by others or control anyone else. It’s simply about where you choose to place your energy.
 
Elwin Melite said:
...And most of my weird mystery pains have diminished.
Click to expand...
As @Cactusflower says, you don't have to worry about her or not. When I first got better I went through a phase where I 'stood up to' the people who angered me... I probably went a little overboard but my TMS went away. Later I learned that as long as I am aware that I don't like the person or situation and tell myself consciously or out loud, that is usually sufficient to prevent symptoms.

Every now and then though I have changed my habits...some people are so resistant to change I just remove myself from their sphere of power. (their home/work/event)
Elwin Melite said:
I had read a lot about stoicism, and the idea that no one can make you angry or make you shout
Click to expand...
I have read Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius (usually come in a single volume). The stoics aren't stoic because they're unflinching and unfeeling...they are stoic because they realize that any effort to change the world around them is futile and the people who are F'd are going to remain F'd ; but they are aware of the F'd-edness. It is the awareness which makes them go 'grey rock'

Family is the Number one TMS factory. If you can get to a place where you really begin to get a shadow on the wall of your tower of rage about their dumbness and coldness, your symptoms will cease and Regular rage makers like Bosses and Spouses will be child's play..and you will be healed!

Ram Dass once said "If you think you've become enlightened, go and spend a week with your family"

You sound like your getting this.
 
 
I want to thank everyone in this thread. Once I was able to hear the ISTDP session I was able to start emulating it on my own. And I felt great relief afterwards. ISTDP is no joke. it gets to the stored emotions more than some of the "intellectual/cerebral" exercises.

My parents still annoy me from time to time, but I don't feel like there's a whole bunch of rage in the background. And I don't linger on it as long as I used to. I've moved on to my business problems. I had a lot of business failures in the past, and I always blamed myself. Upon further examination, I realized that I was holding a great deal of anger and resentment towards other people in those interactions. Still making progress, still chopping at the at those trees.
 
Elwin Melite said:
Hello,

I've been working through the exercise in "Unlearn Your Pain" and discovered a whole bunch of anger that have at myself for various past events and decisions that went poorly. I'm happy that I discovered it but am a little lost at what to do now. What do I do with this information now? Please give me some options for dealing with it.
Click to expand...


I've been finding a lot of catharsis in vigorous exercise, physically intense sports like kickboxing or difficult fitness classes, and rageful music

The car is the best place to go, drive somewhere private.. And scream bloody murder...

At first it felt awkward like I was faking it.. Until I really taped into that RAW murderous rage and I'll just scream as loud and as violently as I can. For me I also struggle with "Knowing I"m angry" but not "feeling angry". You have to give your body permission to express these feelings

Somatically releasing anger is helpful for me too. On a pillow, bed or couch, you can beat your arms down. Avoid hitting with fists to protect your wrists. I hit the couch with the soft part of my arms while listening to my rage playlist.

I'll also write out my angry journal entries, and then violently stab the journal until the pages are all fucked up and illegible

I actually just started building this playlist so there's only a handful of tracks but if you need some angry music:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/08LOT2ZnpzJ3zkzRhYJili?si=9ad3379b4f274a15 (Rage)
 
Jude said:


The Ram Dass quote makes me wonder what you think about the power of thought--that violent thoughts in our minds can have an effect on others. I don't have his quote on that. Or maybe it was someone else who said it. In any case, I find that sometimes holds me back from having the kinds of thoughts you describe--for example, if the person I'm angry at is older and I know they can't help themselves, even if what they do or say infuriates me--because I wonder if I am actually harming them.
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That is a good point. If you go check old posts of mine, you'll see I occasionally add "...and I ask God for a pass on this as I am working out my TMS crap....and he always gives it to me"

No one likes to feel murderous rage, unrequited love, failure in our endeavours, but the modern idea ala 'The Secret' or 'Abraham Hicks' etc. has leaked out into our culture and it's just not true for people suffering from TMS...we are 'goodists' and perfectionists...codependents and people pleasers...we are so far removed from people whose everyday thoughts are horrible and violent.

I also have first hand experience. I used to be quite violent and lived in a state of pure turmoil for the first 20something years of my life until a powerful experience changed that...and I came down with TMS a few years after that!

But this thought :
Jude said:
because I wonder if I am actually harming them.
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That is closer to OCD than to compassion. When I first read the "Sermon on the Mount" , I though "Well I'm screwed... I have fornicated and murdered six times before lunch!"

Without digressing from the topic, this is a Temporary Therapy. I don't normally entertain thoughts like that on a regular basis... but I DO tell myself the truth about stuff...like "I just don't like doing this...I guess I am selfish, but it's true"..In fact, most people I meet who judge themselves 'good'? Like as in "Well I am basically a good person" are usually some of the most entitled narcissistic people I have ever met.

I watched my Mom alone for the last 3 years of her life. Many times during that period I had to remind myself "This is the woman who watched me overdose once and stood over me having a seizure and said "let him die....he just doesn't get it"

I had to remind myself she took herself to Europe every year of my life, but i was a dirty,filthy, poorly clothed kid with poor hygiene who didn't know any better because she just didn't give a shit. She told me to kick rocks when I asked for stuff, so I quit asking for it and got involved in crime. She'd usually send one of her friends to get me out of jail and never asked how I got there...until I was an adult and then she let me sit in jail and called it 'toughlove'.....every selfish person has 'ethics' and 'morals'...only their neighbors don't.

THAT knowledge that I had to 'keep a bad thought in my mind' ALLOWED me to function (TMS free) and be compassionate to her while she was literally pissing herself. Compassion is knowing somebody is 'wrong' and treating them with dignity anyways..ignoring their wrongness is 'whistling in the dark' and a formula for TMS.

Was it Mr Rogers Play hour? Nope. But it was a whole hell of a lot better than many other people like my siblings; They got new cars, clothes and European Vacations too... and refused to spend anytime with her when she came down with dementia. That is also true and I have to remind myself of the vast disparities in my household growing up when I am around my siblings so I can Forgive them and be decent to them. We're never gonna be besties....but at least I don't have TMS

Like i said, that is a good question and it needed a nuanced answer.
 
Baseball65 said:
..... That is closer to OCD than to compassion. When I first read the "Sermon on the Mount" , I though "Well I'm screwed... I have fornicated and murdered six times before lunch!"
..... Like i said, that is a good question and it needed a nuanced answer.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your thoughtful response(s).

I think ultimately it (whether our thoughts can harm others) is an ontological question.

I wasn't motivated by compassion (and not OCD either), but more by the unanswerable question about whether or how much our thoughts have an impact on others. You could even consider it a selfish question. If I have a violent thought about a toxic person, and that causes them to do actual harm to me, whether they were conscious of the thought or not, then it may not be in my best interest to think those thoughts.

I am reminded of a workaround I came up with years ago (or maybe someone suggested this, it's too long ago to recall). I mentally hold up a huge mirror and tell the toxic person that all of their toxicity and crap will be magnified and reflected back on them. They will essentially harm themselves. Obviously, if that fully works, it relies on my thought impacting the person. But even if that isn't ontologically true, it still worked for my TMS!!
 
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