Another round, yes. I hate it. I am angry and frustrated. I should be better by now. I am wondering if there is an elephant in the room I simply don’t want to see. And I wrote to my urologist about having testing for ureaplasma. I had this little nasty bug in 2013. After I took antibiotics the pain was not so bad anymore. So, I know that Ureaplasma is not the culprit, but it can make it worse. Her answer made me really angry and undermined my trust in her. She said that when I came to her in 2014 she did test for ureaplasma. This I doubt very much because you cannot do it with urine, you need a swab from the urethra. And that has not be done. And she also doubted that the result from 2013 was correct. She said it might be a false positive. This is highly questionable because it had been done at the state institute and they are very professional and look for the DNA. It’s a different type of testing altogether. I also talked with a researcher there who recommended two different antibiotics to get rid of it. And it helped, the two control tests in 2013 were negative. The problem is that you can get ureaplasma also without sexual contacts. A lots of women have these bacteria without any problems. But overgrowth can cause problems (urethritis), also in men. What is my result? I have an appointment with my doctor next week where I ask for a control test of ureaplasma. This is just a control. I know that the reason for the flare is psychological. That brings me back to the elephant: I have stressful work. I feel that I am never good enough, high ambitions. I am constantly comparing myself with others, envying them for their luck and how easy things happen for them (from the outside it looks like this). Rationally I know that people admire me for being succesful and usually very calm and professional. I know that my colleagues like me for being supportive. The same goes for the students. The elephant might simply be that I don’t have a life besides work. I try to have a social life, but I put work and my ambitions always first. Sometimes I think I should do a 9-5 desk job. But I guess it wouldn’t help much, I would also be ambitious in another job. What is needed is a re-evaluation of my values, so to speak. If you feel lonely in your life, work can easily take over. I always thought this would not be a problem for me because I love being an academic and doing intellectual work. But now I get the feeling that all this is worthless and I am almost not interested in anything anymore. Even garden work seem to be too demanding. Okay, also here I am amibtious. I wanted to establish a new place to sit in the garden. But doing this on my own is so difficult. I guess I have to ask for help. Alright, this was a lot. I needed to get this off my chest.