Finally feel I am making some progress!

About 5 months ago my low back pain flared, started to move to pelvic pain, then back to my low back, tension headache, left shoulder blade etc. Anxiety and depression went through the roof. Physical therapy didn't seem to help much other than teaching me to breathe better and the stretching became meditative for me plus my therapist is super nice and enjoyed talking to her through our sessions. Tried supplements, cushions, etc. Made the mistake of obsessing and spending too much time on Reddit in various subs and hearing horror stories and negativity. I did, however, discover the mind body theory through Reddit.

I started with Curable but didn't like the format too much. So I read the MindBody Prescription and listened to Healing Back Pain and The Divided Mind on Audible. I saw myself in all of those books and it all started to make more sense. I decided to get checked at the doctor just to be sure I didn't have anything serious going on. The MRI of course showed some degenerative changes. I actually got my wires crossed when my doctor read the results and I thought I had a more serious, non treatable form of non-inflammatory arthritis. My pain instantly flared and I got extremely depressed. I later found that I misinterpreted my doctor and I had degenerative arthritis in the facet joints. That was all the proof I needed that most of this is in my head. I literally felt like I couldn't move when I mixed up the results. I was visualizing my spine calcifying and becoming stiff.

It took another month or so of digging, but one of the biggest things that helped is really trying in psychotherapy. I would go and talk, but I never really dug deep and talked about past trauma and anger. I started doing inner child work since it was evident I had some issues with my inner child (Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman is amazing BTW). I also gave up my multiple times a day cannabis habit. Started being more strict with my diet and increased my SSRI in the meantime to let myself get through this period of change more easily. This past Sunday was the first time I have felt true joy in a while. Today is the first day I experienced zero pain (temporarily, but it's still early). My mood is better, my energy levels are better and my outlook on life is better.

I truly believe cannabis was a huge limiting factor in my ongoing recovery. It never helped my pain, it would amplify it. It would also lead to major panic attacks, further sensitizing my already sensitive nervous system. I have used cannabis since my teen years, used everyday since after high school (30 years old now). Once MMJ became legal in my state, I used it as an excuse to use it throughout the day especially on weekends. I was unmotivated, apathetic and eating too much. I was overthinking everything and scared to do the most mundane things like going to grocery store even when not high. I do not hate cannabis. I just had abusive tendencies with it unfortunately. It carries such a positive message in the media nowadays too, which made me think it couldn't be doing any damage. I believe it is a drug that should be used for introspection and healing when needed, not as an everyday treatment for all that ails you. Obviously it has uses for terminal patients, alcohol or other drug users looking to quit, seizures, etc. But for the majority of people, I think we are abusing it too much.

I look forward to continuing my healing journey and hope to be pain free soon! I just started Dr. Schechter's workbook yesterday and cannot wait to continue. I wish everyone the best in their journey.

 

The fact that you have decided to commit yourself to doing a program, and that you recognize that your cannabis habit was some sort of a crutch is huge. You are off and running!

 

Awesome post, @ComaDivine34 - thanks for keeping us updated!

Whenever I see someone say that they've had therapy and that it "did nothing" this is what I suspect is really going on. The repression mechanism can be incredibly resistant, and amazingly tricky at avoidance. So good job!