Birdie
Peer Supporter
Hi all,
over the time I noticed that I am experiencing less emotions "than normal" what my therapist calls a light form of alexithymia. But there's one emotion that has always been very strong and still is: grief and sadness!
I also experience from time to time a little bit of anxiety and sometimes, but rarely, experience anger and feelings of shame and guilt. I did not now what joy is...I mean real joy...felt it for the first time I remember in my life a few weeks ago and that was so weird but awesome because I could feel it right in my body, too. It was completely clear to me that this must be joy. I was both excited and shocked because I am 34 years old and that seemed to be my first conscious moment of joy. Ok, but that's another story (and a strong indicator for me that I am on the right path and slowly getting out of my permanent numbness).
So over the day I am often experiencing grief and the need to cry (grief was always one of my strongest feelings, even in my childhood), often without any obvious reason. One the one hand that's not such a big miracle because I had many losses in my early life and grief would been the normal reaction (but not in it's chronic form).
What I am actually wondering about is if the grief is masking some other emotions like fear or anger? It's a bit strange that - no matter what - I mainly feel grief even if anger would be the more appropriate reaction to something!
I have especially problems with feeling my anger. My father was a choleric and my mother never was aggressive ("angry? Not me!"), repressing her feelings of anger. For me, showing anger and rage as a child, meant that I was "like my biological father", a very bad person due to very bad genes (in my family one likes to blame the genes for many reasons).
So I grew up with two extreme models of aggression seen in my parents: showing them in a very inapropriate and abusing manner and repressing them and always being the perfect and kind person.
Is it possible to feel one emotion instead of another? And how do I know? Could it be that there's lot of repressed anger and rage behind my chronic grief?
Thanx!
over the time I noticed that I am experiencing less emotions "than normal" what my therapist calls a light form of alexithymia. But there's one emotion that has always been very strong and still is: grief and sadness!
I also experience from time to time a little bit of anxiety and sometimes, but rarely, experience anger and feelings of shame and guilt. I did not now what joy is...I mean real joy...felt it for the first time I remember in my life a few weeks ago and that was so weird but awesome because I could feel it right in my body, too. It was completely clear to me that this must be joy. I was both excited and shocked because I am 34 years old and that seemed to be my first conscious moment of joy. Ok, but that's another story (and a strong indicator for me that I am on the right path and slowly getting out of my permanent numbness).
So over the day I am often experiencing grief and the need to cry (grief was always one of my strongest feelings, even in my childhood), often without any obvious reason. One the one hand that's not such a big miracle because I had many losses in my early life and grief would been the normal reaction (but not in it's chronic form).
What I am actually wondering about is if the grief is masking some other emotions like fear or anger? It's a bit strange that - no matter what - I mainly feel grief even if anger would be the more appropriate reaction to something!
I have especially problems with feeling my anger. My father was a choleric and my mother never was aggressive ("angry? Not me!"), repressing her feelings of anger. For me, showing anger and rage as a child, meant that I was "like my biological father", a very bad person due to very bad genes (in my family one likes to blame the genes for many reasons).
So I grew up with two extreme models of aggression seen in my parents: showing them in a very inapropriate and abusing manner and repressing them and always being the perfect and kind person.
Is it possible to feel one emotion instead of another? And how do I know? Could it be that there's lot of repressed anger and rage behind my chronic grief?
Thanx!
