Day 6 Feelings About a Past Trauma (part 2)

[Willow]

Hi All,

Approx 35 years ago in my mid-teens I recall an event when a very close cousin did something that really hurt me. He persuaded me to go to an event with him in a very deceptive way. He told me it would be great fun etc etc but the reality was that he only wanted me to go because I was older than him and his parents would only allow him to go if I went along too. Prior to him asking me that I had asked him upfront if he would mind asking his parents if I would come along on a day trip to a fairground that they had arranged, I was upset that he had not already thought of asking them.

Later he called me in a very excited tone and told me his parents said "yes" so I was really happy about this but it was only when I was asking about details of time and date that he revealed that his parents had only agreed that it was ok for me to take him to the event HE wanted to go to. I think he hadn't even bothered to ask them if I could come along on the fun day trip that I wanted to be included in.

I felt really hurt, let down and dejected. We were so close and yet it hadn't even occurred to him to think about me because he had his needs sorted out. I had learnt at a very early age not to express hurt, anger, sadness basically all emotions so I would always bury it and result was numbness, depression and feeling generally lost and lonely in the world feeling like I am unwanted. Even when I plucked up the courage to tell my Mum about this she showed no sympathy at all, this was quite normal.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Willow. It looks to me like that cousin purposely took advantage of your friendship and good nature. To one, one of the worst things is betrayal of friendship like that. I've learned to just accept it and not let it trouble me. You thought the cousin was honest and fair with you but he wasn't. He let your expectations down, but you should not take it personally because he probably lets others down, too. I suggest you try to put it behind you now that you have journaled about it. Focus on the family and friends who have not let you down. You are definitely wanted.

 

[Willow]

Thank you for your kind words Walt. Now that I practice TMS and I journal these events and related feelings I will focus on understanding what went on during that event and then as you say, let it go. The other important point that has occurred to me since starting the TMS journey is to ask where/when have I done wrong to others and what can I do put it right ? I am taking steps to identify my wrongdoings with those who I care about and make good of it and similarly, my intention is just to make good and then move forward in this, my new life.