Hi, this is my first post on the forum. Please read, I can't go on like this.
I'm only 18, almost 19, and I've had TMS for as long as I can remember; although I'm pretty sure I was around 8 or 9 years old when the symptoms started (but to be fair I don't recall much from before then. Still, I know that I haven't always lived in pain.)
The primary TMS symptom I've had all those years is pelvic pain; I've had all kinds of pain down there, sometimes so unbearable I couldn't even move. A few years ago I was told I had pudendal neuralgia - which I now know is false - and got surgery in November 2019. For a month or so, my nerves were numbed from the surgery, which made me believe I was cured. But shortly after, the pain returned, albeit in a different way than before: now the intensity of the pain didn't cross 6 or 7/10, but I was in constant discomfort, so the quality of my life was left more or less unimproved. At that time, I barely had any friends at all and was homeschooled because of the surgery among other things. All in all, I was in a terrible place mentally and felt extremely alone and like I would be in pain for the rest of my life.
Everything changed in May 2021 when I found out about Sarno and TMS. For the first time, I felt hope and could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pretty much all of the TMS characteristics fit me and so I knew on a conscious level that that was it: I had TMS. The pelvic pain, the headaches, the eczema... were entirely caused by my brain, through repressed emotions and years of conditioning.
Unfortunately, things haven't been going as smoothly as I hoped in my recovery, and I'm now feeling extremely lost and unsure if I'm on the right track. I've read The mindbody prescription by Sarno, The great pain deception by Ozanich and listened to the audiobook of Healing back pain by Sarno as well.
I've consulted so many sites, read so much about TMS, tried meditation (and more or less failed), and I've been journaling for a few months, though I'm not sure I'm doing it right. Sometimes I'll get these bursts of anger that reveal all of the rage that's been building up inside of me for years.
But the issue is that, overall, I've stopped feeling anything. I used to cry very easily, and it at least offered some kind of relief; however, I hardly ever cry anymore, and, the few times I do, I only manage to shed a few tears that I basically have to force out of me, which is extremely frustrating. I struggle to feel any of the emotions that I know are stuck inside of me, begging to be expressed; and that's why the symptoms won't go away, despite my subconscious having more or less integrated, over the past few months. that I have TMS.
Everything has been piling up, my life has changed completely since I started college in September and met my current boyfriend in November, with whom I have a very complicated relationship. I barely talk to anyone in my family anymore, and deep inside I'm really worried about my future and my studies. I really want to see a therapist or psychiatrist but can never manage to find one I connect with well, and, living in France, no one has ever heard of TMS and it's the loneliest feeling ever. I don't even try to tell anyone about it anymore; I tried with my boyfriend, and, though he seemed interested in it in the moment, he never mentioned it ever again afterwards and didn't realize the importance of TMS in my life and its consequences on it and my mental health. So now I never bring it up and, since it's not recommended to talk about the pain, I never say when I'm suffering, even when we have intercourse, which, since my main symptom is pelvic pain, is obviously a problem. I can barely enjoy sex and now, on top of the rest, I have vagina numbness which I'm pretty sure is TMS too. All my life I've been ashamed of my sexuality and everything around sex and traumas upon traumas, combined with the pain, have left me devoid of any sex drive whatsoever. I can't even relate to anyone around me and I feel disconnected from everybody.
I feel so alone, and, though I don't actually want to die, I also don't want to keep living like this, and I especially don't want to continue going through this completely on my own. What should I do? How can I get in touch with my feelings and emotions? And how can I stop thinking about TMS all the time when I've had those symptoms for so long? I don't even remember ever living normally with no pain in my day to day life, and that's terrifying. I'm scared I'm too far gone and a lost cause.
Please help.
I'm only 18, almost 19, and I've had TMS for as long as I can remember; although I'm pretty sure I was around 8 or 9 years old when the symptoms started (but to be fair I don't recall much from before then. Still, I know that I haven't always lived in pain.)
The primary TMS symptom I've had all those years is pelvic pain; I've had all kinds of pain down there, sometimes so unbearable I couldn't even move. A few years ago I was told I had pudendal neuralgia - which I now know is false - and got surgery in November 2019. For a month or so, my nerves were numbed from the surgery, which made me believe I was cured. But shortly after, the pain returned, albeit in a different way than before: now the intensity of the pain didn't cross 6 or 7/10, but I was in constant discomfort, so the quality of my life was left more or less unimproved. At that time, I barely had any friends at all and was homeschooled because of the surgery among other things. All in all, I was in a terrible place mentally and felt extremely alone and like I would be in pain for the rest of my life.
Everything changed in May 2021 when I found out about Sarno and TMS. For the first time, I felt hope and could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pretty much all of the TMS characteristics fit me and so I knew on a conscious level that that was it: I had TMS. The pelvic pain, the headaches, the eczema... were entirely caused by my brain, through repressed emotions and years of conditioning.
Unfortunately, things haven't been going as smoothly as I hoped in my recovery, and I'm now feeling extremely lost and unsure if I'm on the right track. I've read The mindbody prescription by Sarno, The great pain deception by Ozanich and listened to the audiobook of Healing back pain by Sarno as well.
I've consulted so many sites, read so much about TMS, tried meditation (and more or less failed), and I've been journaling for a few months, though I'm not sure I'm doing it right. Sometimes I'll get these bursts of anger that reveal all of the rage that's been building up inside of me for years.
But the issue is that, overall, I've stopped feeling anything. I used to cry very easily, and it at least offered some kind of relief; however, I hardly ever cry anymore, and, the few times I do, I only manage to shed a few tears that I basically have to force out of me, which is extremely frustrating. I struggle to feel any of the emotions that I know are stuck inside of me, begging to be expressed; and that's why the symptoms won't go away, despite my subconscious having more or less integrated, over the past few months. that I have TMS.
Everything has been piling up, my life has changed completely since I started college in September and met my current boyfriend in November, with whom I have a very complicated relationship. I barely talk to anyone in my family anymore, and deep inside I'm really worried about my future and my studies. I really want to see a therapist or psychiatrist but can never manage to find one I connect with well, and, living in France, no one has ever heard of TMS and it's the loneliest feeling ever. I don't even try to tell anyone about it anymore; I tried with my boyfriend, and, though he seemed interested in it in the moment, he never mentioned it ever again afterwards and didn't realize the importance of TMS in my life and its consequences on it and my mental health. So now I never bring it up and, since it's not recommended to talk about the pain, I never say when I'm suffering, even when we have intercourse, which, since my main symptom is pelvic pain, is obviously a problem. I can barely enjoy sex and now, on top of the rest, I have vagina numbness which I'm pretty sure is TMS too. All my life I've been ashamed of my sexuality and everything around sex and traumas upon traumas, combined with the pain, have left me devoid of any sex drive whatsoever. I can't even relate to anyone around me and I feel disconnected from everybody.
I feel so alone, and, though I don't actually want to die, I also don't want to keep living like this, and I especially don't want to continue going through this completely on my own. What should I do? How can I get in touch with my feelings and emotions? And how can I stop thinking about TMS all the time when I've had those symptoms for so long? I don't even remember ever living normally with no pain in my day to day life, and that's terrifying. I'm scared I'm too far gone and a lost cause.
Please help.
.