Feeling Like My Life Is Over

I’m writing this out of desperation. I feel so hopeless and like my life is over and I’m only 38. This has been going on for 4 years (I know that’s not a lot for many of you) and most recently have been experiencing a really bad 5 week flare-up. This flare-up is extra painful with way more pain and new symptoms. I’m just so tired and scared. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. That’s why I’m reaching out - I don’t want to continue spiraling.

I feel like I have no one. My husband is really the only one I can talk to about this but I worry he has grown tired of me - as our lives have completely changed since I developed pain. I’m so scared he’s going to leave me, or at the very least no longer loves me, only pities me. This is heartbreaking to me as he is the love of my life and I absolutely adore him. We had a really solid marriage before all of this (and he has been incredible during all of this) but I just feel like such a burden. I’m so sad for him and how depressed he must be going through all of this with me. I feel like he would be better off without me. I just wish I could be there more for him. I miss the way our lives used to be.

I’ve just tapered off of Cymbalta and now I’m second guessing that decision. Should I always be on medication? I was only on 20 mg (as I’ve been tapering off of 60) and ended up staying on 20 for about 9 months before quitting completely.

I had a pain free week as recently as 2 1/2 months ago and a pretty low pain month right before that. I’m just so confused as to why I’m experiencing such a bad flare-up. It’s making me question everything.

I’m feeling really jaded right now - like, do people REALLY get better? Or should I just accept a life of pain?

 

Ashley, You can't give up. You Have hit the wall and it seems impenetrable . many people here have experienced this. But please keep at what ever works for you.

 

THAT Is what is/was at the root of a lot of my own pain....feelings of dependency and helplessness.If, the next time you fell distracted by the pain you focus on how angry you are about feeling that way, how you got that way and what causes and other uncomfortable things led you to that type of personality, your pain will dissolve. Period.

Mind you, this is not focusing on HIM or the OUTCOME but a laser focused inspection of your own mind and how you got how you are.

This is so simple that most people won't do it. They'd rather talk about meds, meditation, somatic tracking and a lot of other complicated Bullshit that is never really the focus of those who get over this stuff fast.

Meds? Take em or don't. That's your brain making another problem when the big one is the feelings of anger and dependency.
'spinning out of control'? That's also another distraction. We beat this by focusing on the anger and it will turn anything it can into the sideshow to protect itself

 

I have to echo this. The crux for me has always been where my nurturing, understanding side begins to seque into codependency and from there the inevitable overwhelm, resentment, rage.

@Ashley A It may help you to focus on how you feel. I read Your Story. It’s heartbreaking and it’s little wonder you feel the pain that you do but somewhere in all this is you and your loss, and the desire to fuck it all off completely. This I know well. To the world I am the reliable, compassionate ever-ready-to-shoulder the burden carer but deep inside I want a different life. I want my husband to be well. I want a nice life. I want things to have been different but I can’t change the past.

Your lives may never be the way they were but they can be good, maybe even better. As @Baseball65 says you really have to forensically look at yourself and how you have become this way, and then you can undo it.

 

I've been there... oh, boy, I was almost there yesterday! It’s holiday time, ask how you feel about that? Pick apart your perceived perception of yourself BEFORE symptoms in combination with your personality. I was scared of being left alone because of dependency, I told myself I can not be angry at someone I love or have mixed feelings. However not all of this came to light on its own, I need help. You route to wellness may not look like mine but I believe you will find it. Panic after symptoms flair is common. Pain Reprocessing addresses the fear.
Recovery can be a rocky road, Jim Prussack had a video on this the other day:

 

@Ashley A - Such great advice from everyone above. I''ll just add, yes.... people truly do get better. I'm just one of many.

Someone sent me a private message today and asked, "If you could go back when your Tms first started what would be your best advice to yourself?"

Here's what I said:
"I'd tell myself to have confidence and faith that this really works. Have patience, it may take some time to get better. But eventually you will get better."

 

I’m still trekking along. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they really do help I feel like maybe I’ve had a very slight decline in symptoms so I’m trying to hang onto that hope.

 

Sorry about the delay on my reply, hadn’t realized so much time had passed. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been trying to get more in touch with my anger and the reasons for it. It is the emotion I most often bypass. I think it’s the emotion I feel the least comfortable with.

Interesting that you specifically mention anger and everything else as a distraction. I really do feel like I have a lot of anger and use so many things as distractions and not even really being aware of it.

I’m working more and more in my journaling about anger. I also feel like I need to address all the things that led me to here that you mention. I think that’s a bit of a block for me. It’s difficult for me to address the writing on the wall before all of this began.

 

Co-dependency is a huge issue for me. I’d go as far as to say everyone in my family is a co-dependent of one another.

I feel like I will take note sometimes that I’m not considering my needs first but then I feel guilty and slip back into that co-dependency so easily. And it does make me angry when I become aware of it. Always looking out for everyone else but myself. Getting angry at others but then so quickly bypassing it to empathy for their situation, never taking time to explore that anger. I suppose it doesn’t feel safe for me.

Like you and @Baseball65 said I do need to take a good hard look at myself and my life before all this, which I have been so fearful to do. I think I know there’s so much there and I’m just not ready to face it yet. I know that I will now though.

Lots here for me to think about Plum, thank you

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply! Means a lot to me

The holidays have definitely had their impact on my symptoms that’s for sure! It’s a mixed bag for me because I used to love the holidays and now I mostly dread them.

Everyone that has replied to my thread seems to be on the same page about looking to myself before all of this began. It makes a lot of sense. It’s my least explored area during my whole time with TMS. I don’t think I’ve even journaled about it, and I’ve journaled a lot. It’s clearly a block for me and obviously one worthy of exploring. I definitely have a lot of co-dependency issues.

I love Jim Prussack and happy that you included one of his videos because he hadn’t been on my radar in a bit and I think he is such an excellent resource and has great videos. Anything that tackles fear is what I need. It’s what I struggle the most with and ironically probably fear fear more than the pain itself!

 

Thank you for your words of inspiration!!! I never get tired of hearing that people get better - definitely reignites my hope. Confidence and faith - I will remember that! I feel like I have a decent amount of patience - I’ve been at this work for many years now. But I do lack confidence and a lot of faith.

I will keep your words of encouragement close by, thank you!

 

Ashley, you got very good advice already, I can only add to it that flare-ups happen to everybody, especially since you got off the meds. You just have to make it through the day, and there will be a better tomorrow. You did the right thing posting here about your pain and your feelings, this forum is full of great people who are here to help you. Remember, there is always a better day tomorrow!

 

I had wondered if being off of medicine would impact a flare-up. My thoughts were yes, even though I was on such a low dose it was still something that my body was used to so that’s a big shift for my body and I’m sure lots of feelings about it buried in my subconscious as well.

This flare-up has just been kicking my butt…over 6 weeks now with no sign of letting up.

Thanks for the words of encouragement This forum is full of such wonderful people!

 

Hi again Ashley. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with a flare up in pain symptoms. We both have solar issues.
I have messaged you. Please take s look it may help?

 

Meds take a long time to wean off, no matter the dose.