Feeling down, posting for the first time.

I luckily stumbled across this site two weeks ago after a year and a half of chronic knee pain. I have tried everything, Orthos,Chiros,MRIs,Massage,Acupuncture, PT. My wife is actually a physical therapist herself and we have been struggling with what is going on, my wife does a lot of PT for knee replacements and we have been perplexed by my struggles. I read Mind Over Back Pain and was instantly convinced I have TMS. I am now currently reading The Mind Body Prescription. I feel pain relief when reading and see myself on the pages. I am currently writing in the MindBody workbook by Dr. David Schechter.

For me fear and frustration drives my anxiety and leads to pain. Work stresses and frustration flare my pain. My self esteem is extremely low, even though I have a successful marriage, a great career and two wonderful kids. I can't live up to my own expectations. I beat myself up that I'm not happy, I feel guilty for having all this going for me and not being happy. I feel like my pain is the center of my families existence.

I am the victim of childhood abuse and lost a close family member to cancer near the onset of the pain. I am still trying to tap into my subconscious I feel as if I am making myself crazy trying to convince my subconscious nothing is physically wrong. I know nothing is wrong and have resumed my favorite physical activity of running and even though I see the results that the running is NOT causing the pain. I still have been getting days when I just can't control the pain when it comes on. I acknowledge it and keep telling myself nothing is structurally wrong with me. I am actually beating myself up that I am not getting the TMS therapy right.

I have stopped all therapy and have rid myself of gadgets that could be viewed as therapy. I have a stand-up desk at work and am considering trashing that. I stopped using it in the stand-up position as to not reinforce that something is wrong. But the thought of getting rid of it causes anxiety as it was purchased for me to help and I don't want to upset my employer.

I'm questioning now...
If I pursue Psychotherapy?

I know there isn't an easy answer to such a question. Thank you for reading my story.

AdamRelus

 

Hi AdamRelus, welcome to the forum!

You have made so much progress already! You have said it yourself, you are being so hard on yourself to do TMS recovery "right" and quickly. I can almost hear the voice in your head, " count your blessings, its a wonderful life, do more more more."

It usually takes some time, catch your breath and keep doing the reading and "thinking psychological" about your emotions when you have pain, not the physical symptoms. I don't know if the workbook you have encourages journaling, but it helps a lot of people to try that. The SEP is free here on the wiki and has been super helpful for me. Mindful meditation has probably been most helpful, after TMS knowledge. I am still reading after a year. Steve Ozanich has a fantastic book, The Great Pain Deception, that I am reading now.

I think it is awfully soon to wonder if you need therapy, hang out around here and soak up as much as you can. Read a success story everyday, that will encourage you, and help you see more of yourself as you relate to people and their stories.

Keep us posted, there are lots of friends here!
Lizzy

 

That's brilliant - Lizzy has got that so right!

So much of our anxiety comes from that constant chatter in our heads. Mindfulness meditation helps to put a stop to that. I've been off the forum for a number of months, and it seems I had forgotten all about mindfulness and calming my brain down. It doesn't take much time, but it does take a willingness to pay attention and "hear" all that self-talk. I've been pretty wound up all summer, and doing a little bit of calm breathing, shutting off that talk, and being present, is already helping me feel better.

As for the desk? Eh - don't worry about it! If you like using it, then keep using it, why not? That's one more pressure you don't need, and goodness knows, we'd probably all be better off on our feet instead of sitting on our bums all day long, right? Give yourself permission to let that one go. It sounds to me like you've already made a HUGE first step.

 

Thank you so so much!

Lizzy you are right I do tell myself that. I think there is a fear in me that if I don't continually tell myself that I will get worse. Today I am encouraged and will say that this morning my knee is not hurting but I have a pounding headache, and that excites me because my TMS is trying to get sneaky. After finishing The MindBody Prescription and understanding the section on Psychotherapy I agree that it is too early for that decision. I will continue my journal writing and soaking up info from books and this site.

Jan - I am glad the Mindfulness meditation has been helping you! That is something I am learning. I have to carve that time out daily and just find a quiet place. And thank you for confirming my thoughts. I WANT to keep the desk so I will. I don't NEED it to help with the pain. I will continue to tell myself that.

 

I've discovered I don't even need to carve out a bunch of time. I do it first thing in the morning while lying in bed for a few minutes before getting up, the last thing at night for just a few minutes, or while brushing my teeth, folding laundry, in the shower... or anytime I realize I'm tensing up and my head is full of past or future worries. Even a few seconds is valuable.

 

I came across this image which made me chuckle

 

Hi, AdamRelus. Lizzy and the other good people have given you great advice and encouragement.

There are some wonderful free videos on self-esteem on Youtube. One of my favorites is from J.P. Sears:
"How to be happy and increase self-esteem."

 

Hi AdamRelus,

Welcome! I wanted to add to the encouragement you've already received. It sounds like you're making very good progress - look at the insights you've had about yourself (the fear you mentioned, realizing your brain is sneaky) and also look at the behaviors you've already changed (as you mentioned, for example, stopping your therapies and getting rid of gadgets). Each one of these "small" steps is actually a huge step forward in TMS recovery! Please look and see how much you've accomplished in a short period of time. Then, I think it will be easier to trust that more change and recovery will come in time - and it will if you persist!

As for the anxiety - I didn't see it mentioned - but I have had the same symptom. It was a big ah-ha for me when I learned that anxiety is a "TMS equivalent." In other words, treat it just like your pain. Know that is is only one more sneaky distraction your brain is producing to keep you from feeling your feelings. You're already on to how sneaky your brain can be, so now you'll be better situated to see it when your brain creates another "sneaky" distraction. You won't fall for it. Keep telling your brain, "I'm onto you; I know what's going on."

You're in good company here. Don't worry about any short-term ups and downs - that's to be expected. We understand TMS all too well and we can tell you with confidence that you'll continue to experience more recovery as you keep working at it. Good luck!

 

I enjoyed his humor! Really helps with the delivery.

Thanks Sunny, I truly feel the more I work the better I get and I cannot express how much it helps to have the support of this community. I believe in the beginning I found myself trying to reason with my subconscious, and recently after my continued education I see how that doesn't work. There is no reasoning with it and UNDERSTANDING THAT leads to the "I'm onto you" feeling. Also, the understanding that unconscious rage isn't something I'm trying to solve has been a huge help as well.