Feeling discouraged

[Matthias]

Hi everybody,

I've been dealing with a post-viral syndrome (fatigue, sleep disruption, neuropathy, hair loss, POTS, too many symptoms to list really) which I have recently been treating as TMS, but I'm feeling a bit discouraged with my progress of late. I discovered Sarno a while ago now, and have been doing Nicole Sachs' 'JournalSpeak' method twice a day for the last few months to try to heal myself, as well as listening to/reading something about TMS at least once a day. I actually had decent success at first, and within 3 weeks many of my symptoms had receded a fair bit, still nowhere near normal, but noticeably improved. But as soon as that happened, all kinds of emotions came flooding in related to my life and just how catastrophic this whole thing has been. I've lost my job, my home, most of my friends, my relationship, thousands of dollars down the drain, my life is in ruins basically, and even if I was magically healed tomorrow I wouldn't even know where to start putting it all back together. As soon as those symptoms began to lift all the pain and anguish of these realizations -- these things I didn't even have time to feel because I was in such physical misery all the time -- just hit me like a train. I was in a miserable state for weeks, thinking about how screwed my future is, and naturally as stress is like the only trigger for my symptoms, all of them came back with a vengeance. Thoughts triggering stress triggering symptoms triggering fear triggering thoughts...you know the deal I'm sure.

I've learned how better to deal with those thoughts and fears as they come up and I feel more emotionally stable. Still, even now, 8 weeks since I had that slight remission in my symptoms, having continued doing all the things I've been doing since the start, I still haven't been able to climb my way back to that peak, and I'm just very discouraged. Things seem to be a little better one day and then I wake up the next and it's back to square one. I don't have the blind faith I had when I first started journaling anymore and I know it's part of the reason I'm stuck but that still isn't helping me. I'm just not sure where to go with this anymore. It doesn't help that I feel like I've really journaled about everything I can think of. I still do it but most of the time I feel I'm just retreading old ground and wondering why, if I've already done all this, am I not better? Why two and a half months later can I not even match the progress I made in the first 3 weeks? I also started the Structured Educational Program a week ago but it feels like I'm just flailing at this point.

And yesterday, I got in a bit of a fight with my mom (my parents have had to take care of me since all this began) about how I'm trying to get better. She's still always sending me stuff about potential physiological causes for my condition and telling me I need to go see this or that doctor (even though we went that route for the first 9 months of this and I only got worse and worse throughout), and today she told me I'm not going to be able to journal my way out of this and with all the doubt I've been having recently that just really got to me. She asked me if I'd seen any improvements at all in the last month of doing this work and I couldn't say that I have. She told me I'm not doing enough to try to get better and I'm going to be sick forever at this rate and I know that's not helpful but it's still just got me feeling doubting everything.

I'm sorry about the long post, I just could really use some kind of advice at this point cause I feel like I'm losing faith, and I don't want to but I'm having a hard time holding on to it. I just want to live like a person again, not some caged sick animal...anybody been through something similar in their recovery? What did you do?

 

[TG957]

I am so sorry about your health situation. Someone I know had POTS, neuropathy and severe fatigue for over a year. After I suggested to her a meditation regimen, she very hesitantly agreed to try. After meditating at least 1 hour in a single sitting every day for about 3-4 months she started seeing improvements. After less than a year she was pretty much symptoms free. I have posted many times on benefits of meditation on this forum and number of people reported various degrees of success.

 

[Cactusflower]

Ignore anyone who tries to give you some sort of “good enough” measuring stick. You are good enough by just being here on this earth.
My question would be to ask you why you did not tell your Mom what you have told us here? That you HAVE seen improvement, but isn’t consistent yet.
Part of this work is in becoming more confident that you are ok. Your nervous system is on a bit of a wild ride, but in other ways you are just fine.
You have no deadly disease, you are alive. Keep this thought!
Anxiety, which you are now experiencing with the rumination and worry are TMS symptoms. Claire Weekes has excellent books on how to deal with anxiety. They are in like with Sarno’s books. Have you read a book by Dr. Sarno? If not, it id important that you do this above all other reading. If you have read it, read it again! They are so helpful.
The anxiety can arise while writing because you are digging in places in your mind that brain was trying to protect you from. It happened to me. You must keep telling yourself you Jan handle the hard stuff and that all the digging is not the TMS cure. It is just a way to recognize all the reasons why you have pent up rage, and to begin to be able to feel safe allowing the rage to flow through your body naturally.

Are you engaging in any activities you find enjoyable? This is very important. You can’t place all your focus on TMS, symptoms or your feelings of suffering. That is not wellness. You may begin to do things that surely make you feel worse for a few days. But congratulate yourself on doing them even though you don’t feel so hot. You are fine!
Keep your mind on this “ I actually had decent success at first, and within 3weeks many of my symptoms had receded a fair bit, still nowhere near I actually had decent success at first, and within 3weeks many of my symptoms had receded a fair bit, still nowhere near normal, but noticeable improved. normal, but noticeably improved.”
this is wonderful! you are succeeding!
Like all things in life you will have good days and less good days, plateaus and times of great change in life. It is part of life.
Be patient.
For s great success story look for Rebecca Tolin on youtube. She often discusses her challenges and plateaus and had many similar symptoms to yours.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

As soon as those symptoms began to lift all the pain and anguish of these realizations -- these things I didn't even have time to feel because I was in such physical misery all the time -- just hit me like a train

Of course they did, @Matthias. It's the great irony of doing this work - as soon as we experience success our TMS brain mechanism doubles down on whatever it can grab hold of to keep us in fear and doubt and thus supposedly safe from sabertooth tigers. Our brains are wired to be negative. Makes no sense in today's safe modern world (for most of us, anyway, who are lucky enough to live in physical safety), but these are the brains we have. It's up to us to figure out how to fight back and keep going in spite of this primitive driving force.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I state that your parents are currently your biggest obstacle. I mean, let's just say it: your mother is a giant walking talking nocebo, for crying out loud! I assume that this woman, who I'm sure is sure that she's doing the right thing, is at the heart of your TMS from childhood. Both parents are always complicit, even those with the best intentions.

I'm hearing a lot of self-blame and self-hatred for what you are experiencing and what you've gone through. Here is what I know for sure, Matthias: you MUST have enough love and compassion for yourself that you know in your heart that you deserve to recover. "I deserve to heal". Say this to yourself every time you recognize that you are ruminating on your negative thoughts.

It's blatantly clear that you suffer from your TMS brain mechanism, but unfortunately your living situation is such that your TMS brain mechanism is in full control. Mind you, I'm not saying you have to move out because obviously that would put different pressures on you. All you have to do is get real and get honest with yourself about your situation and be willing to be open to the rage that this must cause. Forget gratitude and welcome rage. Write your f'ing mother an Unsent Letter (best technique I ever learned) and tell her everything that you would never in a million years say to her face. Then destroy it, of course.

In terms of self-compassion, please be assured that you are hardly alone in the amount of time and personal resources that you've spent on what you eventually learned was an emotionally based collection of symptoms. We've all been there, believe me. Start with congratulating yourself for finding these resources and for doing the work and experiencing proof that you can be successful! You're still in the minority in terms of people out there who are suffering, so give yourself a huge amount of credit for that!

Ultimately, please have love and compassion for yourself - or as Nicole Sachs reminds us at the end of every podcast, have patience and kindness for yourself. Without that, we can't do this work.