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Day 25 Feeling alone with tms today

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Fredric, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Fredric

    Fredric New Member

    Hip pain has been very distracting lately. It was just a spot the size of my finger tip on the left side for months. It would annoy me when I lie down to sleep. Otherwise I wasn't bothered, and I wouldn't hold back from lying on it because it is tms.
    Hip pain was one of the first tms symptoms in childhood, starting at age 16 and 17. Foot pain started at 13. The hip pain would come suddenly when I would be alone in the hallway at school. The pain was distressing, but I would continue to walk on it and not tell anyone, as I didn't tell anyone about the foot pain. I would only think about the pain when it happened. Maybe it helped that there was no one to talk to in the sense that the pain would go away. I was usually very frightened while at school , and times that I was alone and walking the hallways and not being intimidated were a blessed break. At this point of my life I felt trapped in my parents' home and in the town they live in, felt controlled and watched over, and struggled to be hopeful for a better life. I also spent large parts of the afternoon after school obsessing about my skin's appearance.
    That the hip pain wouldn't go away started to be an obsession in the last few weeks. I also have been obsessing about my appearance , including the skin. The physicophobia started in strongly, but I haven't held back from walking or exercising. The spot of pain increased in size, but I had the intuitive sense that this is better. However, the physicophobia has intensified, even though I know that the bone scan, CT , etc show no structural problem, only normal wear and tear.
    I'm feeling alone with this struggle and frustrated and fed up with it. I'm feeling ashamed of not having a normal life and want to hide at home. But these are very old feelings that also remind me of being trapped in my parents house.
    I dread exercising and journal writing today.
     
  2. Fredric

    Fredric New Member

    It's hard to hold on to intuition and to let go of doubt.
     
  3. srton

    srton Well known member

    I'm sorry you feel alone. You are NOT alone.
    I'm sorry that you felt fear at school and trapped in your parent's home as a child.
    Perhaps take a moment to think about your self as that young person. Give him a hug. Tell him that everything is going to be ok. Tell him that you're sorry for the pain and fear and lonliness. When I do this it makes me sad to think of myself as a vulnerable kid in so much pain. Those were horrible times and they were lonely times. Reflecting on them is hard, but I think that ultimately it is very healing because it brings selfkindness and compassion.
    All my best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    srton
     
    Fredric likes this.

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