feel stuck - please comment!

Hello everybody,

I do have "RSI" since 20 years - well, probably TMS. I do believe in the TMS diagnosis but got somewhat confused when after playing a lot guitar 2 weeks ago despite of symptoms (ignore the physical / disbelieve structural problems etc.) my symptoms got worse and stayed this way since! (Mainly thumb and flexor tendon pain and weakness in my left arm). Right now I can barely play guitar. I had to cancel all the next gigs, which makes me feel sad but also relieved as it reduces the pressure of having to be able to play.

I'm quite successful in not running mad against my worsened symptoms and keep calm! But also some doubt crept in and right now I feel not brave enough to just take my guitar again and ignore the physical. I am not willing to give up the TMS route. The worsened symptoms could be just my brain fighting back hard as it realises that I'm serious about it and "feels threatened". If so what would keep my brain from sustaining or increasing symptoms as much as needed to bring me to fall and distrust the TMS diagnosis? How can I get out of this?

I started doing the SEP 3 weeks ago but switched to doing the "Presence Process" 10 days ago, which appeals more to me for now. I also do a a fair share of reading TMS books, success stories etc.

Some more background and observations:

• guitar is not my livelihood but my big passion. Since the first onset of "RSI" 20 years ago I would pay a lot attention to my arms and have big fears and agony of losing my playing ability. I also had neck surgery 6 years ago which left my left arm generally in a worse shape. Also I notice that one arm often imitates the exact same symptoms of the other
• Due to all this I think a lot of my pain is likely to be learned, overstimulated, ingrained brain and nerve patterns.
• I always dreamed of being a pro musician, but at the same time was too afraid of this life style and to go this way. I took another career and do like my job. But this conflict and self-accusation of not having pursued my dream is still alive.
• This conflict and probably other repressed emotions could all contribute to my arm pain and fears to serve as a psychological coping or distraction mechanism.

If anybody can relate to all this, had similar experiences or can make some sense of it, I very much appreciate Your helping comments and advice!

Thanks,
Marco

 

Hi, Maracox. The past is past. If you think it's too late to go for a career as a pro guitarist, just be glad you can do it as a hobby or on the side.
Let the music be your joy, not how much recognition or money you could get from playing.

 

Not pursuing your passion seems like it could indeed be enraging to the self-conscious. But as Walt said, the past is the past. Forgive yourself for the choices you have made.

Learn to be unafraid of the pain, and strengthen your belief that playing guitar cannot hurt you structurally. Pain is not damage. Playing guitar is safe, even if it hurts.

The combination of journalling, meditation, and affirmations seems to be working for me. And it took months, not weeks. Structured programs like the SEP have helped a lot of people.

Be patient and go easy on yourself. You will heal.