Day 2 Fear of Not Being Good Enough and No Anger?

[jjnyc]

Went through the day 2 reading today. Very detailed column that reiterated a lot of what I read in "Healing Back Pain" while sprinkling on some additional things to think about. One thing that struck me was the fear of "not being good enough" The author gave a few examples of things people are constantly striving for that can create stress and tension in ones life. Here are a few that stuck at my heart.

1. The need to look thin and fit.
2. The need to be the best at work.
3. Drive the perfect car. Even though I don't own a car due to living in NYC, I do constantly compare material things in my life against others (Clothes, Apartment, etc.)
4. Be the perfect spouse. I am currently single but every time I start a relationship that feeling of not being good enough and the need to be a perfect mate to someone comes at me hard to the point where I am not acting anywhere close to who I am.

When I went to answer the questions that were asked as part of the Day 2 treatment plan, I found something interesting. Its easy for me to identify what makes me sad but I really couldn't think of 1 thing that truly makes me angry. I am a very happy, easy going individual so its hard for me to identify such things. I know that not having any angry feelings is unrealistic. Maybe I need to dial up my awareness on a daily basis and try hard to identify some causes of anger.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, jjnyc. Be glad you don't drive a car. I live in a Chicago suburb and seldom drive into the city because of the heavy traffic. Driving a car used to be fun. It hasn't been fun for years, even driving in the suburbs. Motorists are so often on cell phones other handheld electronic gadgets, their mind is not on driving and their car could hit other cars or people.

As for worrying you won't the perfect spouse, I fell into that hole some years ago. I thought I loved a girl and then she said she had become engaged to another guy. I didn't propose to her because I didn't think I could provide for her as comfortably as she lived with her kind of wealthy parents. I had just started at the Chicago Tribune as a reporter and didn't think I earned enough to get married to any girl much less one from such wealth. Iwent to her wedding and afterward her mother told me, "I wish you had married her. Her husband is a salvage diver on a small boat off the coast of California."

I wound up being a bachelor. I've stuck with dogs and have been very happy.

Be glad you're happy. If nothing makes you angry, that may not be the cause of your TMS. It may be because you are a perfectionist. That's what it looks like to me. I'm a perfectionist, too, and had severe back pain. I worked on modifying the perfection I put on myself. I haven't totally changed. I think I can just live with my perfectionism better.

Don't stress about not being thin or fit enough. A very good friend is fat. I mean fat. He joined a club for fat people and met a fat lady and they fell in love and married. Very happy, both of them.

 

[jjnyc]

Thanks Walt. Seems we have similar tales of women in our lives at one point. Several years back as I was figuring out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life I felt as though I might not ever be able to create a life worthy of the woman I was in love with. Rather than deal with it head on, I ended up doing a very dishonorable thing that basically ruined everything. We were never able to repair our relationship after that and I haven't really been able to hold another one since. It's not that I don't want to find another relationship, its just this anxiety that comes over me whenever I start one that has hindered me every since.

I'm interested in hearing how you modified and as a result, live with your perfectionism better.