Fear and my story

So I have posted on here talking about my past TMS experiences. And it wasn’t until just maybe the last week I came across something that stood out to me about what I did right the first time I healed, and wrong the second time I healed (and what I am doing currently to get better)

After my initial first run with back pain in my mid 20’s I went to every DR and so on and tried everything to get better, I was determined to find what was wrong, I eventually discovered Dr Sarno and it all made sense. I didn’t have an instant healing moment but what I discovered is that over the course of time I healed because I no longer feared my pain. I got back to normal behavior and did things I hadn’t for a while and even though I hurt, I kept on because I knew I was on the right path (I wasn’t doing things to challenge my brain, I just did what I wanted)

the next time all the pain was exactly like the previous time and I knew what was happening, but when the pain wouldn’t subside I became frustrated with my pain and feared each day because I knew the pain was there and that it shouldn’t be: I still worked out and didn’t miss a day of work or anything because last time I did what I wanted so I was determined to continue to do what I wanted. Well it took about a year for me to get to a point where I was feeling good about my pain because I was so use to it that I no longer feared it, and slowly it subsided

well this time I tried initially to not panic (I even posted on here about how I wasn’t panicking) well that was a lie. I had a full on panic attack over the pain and thinking of what my life will be like for the on coming year with pain. I’ve started therapy this time (my therapist isn’t a TMS one but I’ve discussed the issue and she’s on board with what I am doing and believes in the process). In the first month of this current issue I tried to fight TMS head up by not fighting it because I remembered that if you are fully after it then it only gets worse. Well, it got worse as I did everything to not address it, I was just trying to ignore it.. and the fear grew... I journaled.. A LOT. Got nothing, I got back into reading Sarno, listened to videos (was shocked at all the new stuff out there since 2016)... the Past months have not been easy, but a week ago, I started Alan’s new program (the one that came out seriously right when I was healing the second time).. and I read about how fear is the fuel to this... so this all clicks now

I healed quicker the first time because I had zero expectations ( no calendar dates to meet or instant goals) and I had my answer to my problem so the pain meant nothing but more importantly I didn’t fear it or fear tomorrow and what it brings. The second time I knew it was TMS and knew i shouldn’t be in pain, so when I kept up any activity and my pain was still there I would get frustrated and mad, and then I began to fear what tomorrow brought. Now I did get better because deep down my mind knew it was TMS and as I got use to the pain and knowing it wasn’t structural it faded..

I’m not out of the woods yet, but this realization has made the past couple days feel better, I’m still hurting but it’s made me understand what Allans meaning of fear and it’s power on keeping TMS around is. I think if you truly know it’s TMS the fear will eventually subside and so will the pain, since I had healed before my mind knew it was just a matter of time. If you are just starting out and the diagnosis doesn’t eliminate the fear it’s just needing more evidence. I can sit and realize how much fear I have been having in regards to things because of the pain even though I know it’s TMS and harmless. I was viewing the pain as a measurement of success, since the pain was still there I wasn’t doing things right, so that just creates more fear. Now I know that no matter how I feel, my attitude is what I can control and I need to just remember that being in pain does not mean I am setting things back, having fear about the pain is the actual problem... now it’s easier said than done, but I will say that today I did squats in the weight room (light weight) for the first time in two months.. I will struggle walking tomorrow because of it but that’s a pain I can embrace