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Fear after meditation and some breath work/inner emptiness

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Birdie, Jul 24, 2013.

  1. Birdie

    Birdie Peer Supporter

    Since a few months I do meditation/relaxation on a daily basis. Sometimes, during a guided meditation where I imagine a coloured energy, rising up through my feet, through the body, up to my head and in front of my body down to the feet again I do some kind of breathing in a circle (skipping the pauses between I breath in and out, but not hyperventilation!). But I do this kind of breathing only for a few minutes a day.
    Since a few weeks I notice an increasing in fear and anxiety. But not during the meditation but when I come to rest or during sleep. Sometimes only a light form of anxiety and sometimes it's a panic attack. I first thought it has something to do with the "circle-breathing" (that's also the kind of breathing advised in the "presence process" bringing some repressed stuff to the surface), but it also occures after a normal mindfulness meditation.
    I can still handle the anxietey, staying as calm and relaxed and breathing deep and normal (read C. Weekes, really helpful). Usually after a few minutes everything is fine again and the anxiety slowly decreases.
    There's no improvement in pain during the anxietey attacks or in common.
    Is this because the mind chattering calms down a bit and I am more aware of my body that the fear arrises?
    I also noticed some changing in one thing that was bothering me very much as long as I can think: chronic feelings of boredom, emptiness, senseless- and meaningless... making me look like a human being but feel like a zombie. For a clearer understanding: that was what I posted in the other tms-forum in winter last year:
    "since I can remember I suffer from a feeling (or "non-feeling") of chronic inner emptiness and senselessness/meaningless/boredom. This feeling is really hard to describe: it feels like being not at home in myself, being strange to myself, everything feels a bit superficial, like a bottomless pit, like not being me and playing a role, like an alien. I feel a lack of something, it's like a hole where should be a "core" or whatever. I often feel chased and driven, probably to avoid these feelings of emptiness (there are many typical things of avoidance like shopping, working, internet, tv, eating, addictions....pain?).
    I am sure these feelings have something to do with beeing abandoned (emotionally or real, I think that's not such a big difference), I lost my biological mother and my stepmother when I was a baby and there were further traumatic experiences like my very agressive and alcoholic father (repressing emotions may addictionally “produce” emptiness)
    I remember these feelings of meaningless when I was a child: I watched other kids playing enviously because I wasn't able to play, it seemed to be boring and senseless, a prick was a prick and not a gun, the doll was a dead piece of cloth and plastic and not a baby, what the heck were these other kids doing there?"

    In psychoanalysis this feeling is often explained by a lack of "object constancy" due to early losses or traumatic experiences. Others blame an extreme supression of feelings (negative & positive ones) for this condition.
    Well it's not the case that I completely feel like a real human being (although I know I must be one :D ), really alive and so on. But the emptiness is not as extreme as it was (still a bit sceptical about that but also feeling very grateful and full of hope that something I'd never considered as possible seems to change!).

    Ok, long story short: perhaps there's a lot of anxiety and dread behind all this dead emptiness which once was necessary to survive?

    Wow...can meditation do this?

    DanielleMRD likes this.
  2. Eric "Herbie" Watson

    Eric "Herbie" Watson Beloved Grand Eagle

    This means your repressions are coming to consciousness and its how you Accept and let go of the anxiety and panic- it will help you through this birdie
    keep doing the protocol you've been on and now know its just old repressions passing through consciousness, youll be like this for a short moon and as you stay calm and determined
    (Clare Weekes) you'll win through this second faze of the healing process- congratulations
    yes meditations heal the body, we accept ,reframe and let go
    sometimes those feelings are intense- Your meditation is sound- right?
  3. Birdie

    Birdie Peer Supporter

    Thank you eric for your encouraging words. Feels like it's only the tip of the iceberg and there amounts of repressed feelings under the surface.
    What is the exact meaning of "sound" in this context? Looked it up in the dictionary but there're different meanings and sometimes my English understanding is not good enough to grasp the small differences in meaning!
  4. Eric "Herbie" Watson

    Eric "Herbie" Watson Beloved Grand Eagle

    sorry birdie- good to hear from you
    sound equals or means good
    the mediations are calming right birdie?
    again my mess up , in this sentence its country slang
    that's funny, thanks for catching me birdie
    your the best
  5. Birdie

    Birdie Peer Supporter

    Thanks eric for clarifying, sound also seems to have the meaning of "accurate". Just in the moment of the meditation it's very, very calming and even relaxing to the muscles (they often tend to twitch like some tension is discharged although I do not focus on relaxing them on purpose, it's just a welcome side-effect). But it's much more than the calming effect..I could have the calming effect if I did some autogenous training or other relaxation techniques. Well it's hard to describe in words and all the more in English.
    I always tend(ed) to get busy and distracted. Just doing nothing feels right. I often feel a strong resistance to meditate, but when I pull myself together to sit and to meditate I know it's the right thing.
  6. Eric "Herbie" Watson

    Eric "Herbie" Watson Beloved Grand Eagle

    Awesome birdie sound like your right on track- let us know how things are in a few weeks or so
    ive followed your post for a while, you've learned a lot and came a long way, enjoy

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