donavanf
Well known member
Greetings, friends. This is a tough post, and I even hesitated posting it, but I'm going to, because I need support and that is the very name of this forum. I trust you. Some may already know me from prior threads as a peer supporter. Up until this past week, I was making TREMENDOUS progress with my TMS. I'm a photographer and did my first "big shoot" in ages a few weeks ago. I shot over one thousand photos. And with NO pain. A huge step FORWARD. I was able to sit at my computer and edit the images with almost NO neck or shoulder pain. Another huge advance in my progress. Yay, me! Then, the next day was my birthday. I'm 44. A bit of TMS pain, but I figured as much, as Sarno says, aging is a trigger. I had a nice, quiet, sweet birthday dinner with my older sister, received a lot of lovely notes, calls and texts from friends, came home and went to bed. Pain was at a 1 or 2. The next morning I awoke to the news that my father was dead. And not just any father, but a worldwide famous one, whom I've been estranged from for the last 15 years. Not of my doing, but my stepmother's, who stole my father away from my family within a few months of my mother dying. I had a VERY close relationship with my dad until 2001. While I was deeply saddened to hear the news, in a way, it was a gentle relief. My father was elderly, he died peacefully and not in pain, he lived a legacy very few get to, and I had a father who was my hero. And finally, the wondering if I was ever going to reconcile with him while he was alive was finally over. Finally, CLOSURE. I cried and cried, but they were as much tears of letting go as they were of sorrow. Good tears. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, I felt almost no TMS pain on hearing the news. On my way to meet my family to discuss what to do next, I was in a head on car crash as a passenger in the back of an Uber taxi. It was about 35mph, all airbags deployed and I was helped out of the back of the car by paramedics. I was assessed, deemed ok and not taken to hospital, but I was hurting, bad, both emotionally and physically in my neck, ribs and shoulder, so at the paramedics recommendation, I immediately went to see my personal physician, who is caring and wonderful. He ran extensive X-Rays, did an EKG, checked me over from head to toe and told me that I was lucky. No broken bones, no serious injuries, no head trauma, just some mild bruising on the front of my ribcage where the seat belt saved me, and a very stiff neck and back. I got some muscle relaxants and was ordered off work for a couple weeks to rest. Two days later, very luckily, I saw my other doctor, the brilliant TMS specialist Dr. David Schechter. He reviewed the radiology reports, gave me a thorough exam and told me that I was ok. He said, "You're going to be sore for a while, maybe two or three weeks, but you will make a FULL recovery. The next week will be the worst of it, then every day you will get better. You've made great progress with your TMS. This is NOT TMS. You've had a mild setback with your car accident. The hard work you've done with your TMS is not going anywhere. People with TMS get injured. You're shaken up, in some pain, but you are ok. Take it easy, and FEEL your feelings. Keep journaling. This is a very sad, hard time. Your father died. Allow yourself to grieve, be kind to yourself and keep telling yourself that you are ok, your body is strong, you are just healing from a car accident." I asked him if I had whiplash and he chose not to use that word. He said, "Your neck is strained. It will fully heal. Keep affirming that to yourself." He gave me some anti-inflammatories, told me to do gentle stretching, get plenty of rest and stay mildly active, like walking and breathing deep. Hot baths and maybe some gentle massage. He told me not to get physical therapy, unnecessary. Here is my question to you guys. Any further advice? I feel very angry that I got in the car wreck, it's very hard not to have a pity party for myself, almost as if it is easier to feel the pain and anger of the accident, when I should really be feeling my father's passing. To make matters EVEN worse, if that is possible, I've had to field calls from every media outlet from the New York Times to CNN, The Los Angeles Times to NPR. I'm the "heir to the throne" as it will, not so much with money, but with my father's legacy. My Facebook and social media is being FLOODED. I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed. I've pulled the plug on FB temporarily, at my shrinks insistence. And while my sister (my fathers only other offspring is being wonderful and supportive, she is also a trigger for my TMS. She is a lot, very large and overwhelming personality. We get along beautifully, but she is draining. How do I allow myself to heal from this car accident, do what I need to do for me, not worry too much about it, grieve my father and LET GO? I am an open minded and left leaning believer, so I am praying a lot and I feel God's hand on me, and in some way, I even feel the car "accident" was actually the end of the story. As if the CRASH of the car was the book closing on the sad, fearful, angry and painful last 15 years of my life. It's over. My dad is in a better place now. When I go very deep inside my heart, I feel true peace with that, despite the sadness and anger. BUT my neck and back are KILLING me, despite journaling, pain meds, two doctor's telling me I am ok and despite feeling grateful I was not hurt worse. I really think that despite Dr. Schechter telling me this isn't TMS, how could it not be exacerbated by my TMS personality? Schechter said TMS may be making it worse, but keep affirming to myself that I will heal up fast and my body knows what to do. I want to give myself the needed care, but I don't want to let this linger. I want to THINK PSYCHOLOGICALLY and not physically, but that is very hard when I have a real (not just in my brain) injury. Last night, my neck was really hurting, worse than it has in a LOOONG time and I finally cried and realized the depth of sadness I am feeling and my neck pain went down to a three. Still hurt, but manageable. I'm sorry for the long winded post, but I wanted to tell my story. Thanks, everyone. I appreciate any support, thoughts and advice. I'm in GREAT hands with Dr. Schechter, I very much trust my other doc, I'm working with a very good psychotherapist, I have a lawyer handling my medical bills with Uber, but I feel very afraid and alone. I'm scared I'm back to square one with my TMS. Thank you for reading this and I truly appreciate any thoughts...I'm 'hanging in' but what a mess. What a week!
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