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Family Drama

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by MarkV, Apr 23, 2013.

  1. MarkV

    MarkV New Member

    After 2 debilitating years of mystery arm pain, I know I am finally on the road to recovery thanks to TMS awareness. After much self-reflection, I now realize the vast majority of my repressed emotions are due to my volatile family. I come from a hotheaded Italian family that was constantly in fights and drama. This undoubtedly shaped my personality, as I was (still am!) constantly mediating conflict between my Mother, Father and two Brothers. I continue to be the liaison, especially now as the scars run deeper and several family members don't even communicate with each other. As a "People Pleaser" personality, I only now have come to realize how deeply entrenched I am in all this family drama and the repressed emotions of anxiety, guilt and...rage that I have in my unconscious.
    My Q is the following: now that I have become aware and acknowledged this primary source of repressed tension & stress, will that be enough to overcome my physical pain? Or, do I actually need to confront it with my family members by either broaching it directly or completely disengaging? Knowledge is power indeed, but I don't know the best course of action to proceed with it --either working thru my TMS confidentially now that it's coming to my conscious mind or sharing my new discovery with my family in order to have them understand they are the problem! A new dilemma, but I am committed to resolving my pain regardless what it takes at this point...thanks!
  2. Gigalos

    Gigalos Beloved Grand Eagle

    Great insight Mark!!

    I am not the expert on this, I just want to tell you my thoughts.

    I don't think acknowledging the source is enough. This whole situation will keep feeding stress and anger in you. Unless you find a way that makes it stop doing that, I think you have to act in some way.
    I don't know how hotheaded your family members are, but I would tell them. I personally believe that it leaves a much bigger impression on people when a normally tranquil person gets mad than somebody who made a habit of it to get mad. Don't accuse them but let them know you reached your emotional and therefore physical border from this whole situation and that you are no longer able to stand in the middle of it all. You will need to find out what role you want to play in future and may have to develop ways of getting less stressed from their quarrels.

    good luck with whatever decision you'll make, never easy
  3. Karen

    Karen Peer Supporter

    Hi and welcome MarkV! I sat and wrote and wrote and wrote my rage out in a notebook. I didn't need to really talk to any of the people who had affected me. Right now I have very strict boundaries of who I will allow in my life. I am doing everything in my power to rid myself of many extra stresses. You can read my other posts and they will show you what I've been up to in the last month. My pain level has diminished so much in the last few days, I can't believe it!!

    I am now reading this book on-line and I find it to be wonderful. It's called, ''Honoring The Self'. I am now reading about 'un-earned guilt'!! http://www.amazon.com/Honoring-Self-Self-Esteem-Personal-Tranformation/dp/0553268147

    Glad you're here with us. Best wishes! :)
    deborah a burns likes this.
  4. BruceMC

    BruceMC Beloved Grand Eagle

    Mark, Your observation about you serving as a "liason" and "mediating" between warring family members really resonated with me. This was the role I played for years in my parents' constant conflict that reverberated through all the other family members, myself included. Well, after one big fight back in 1994 where I was forced to take sides (again!), I just threw in the towel and opted out of the conflict. Don't answer the phone. Mind my own business. And most of all stay away from the family. It was really refreshing for a while! Became much more personally and professionally effective and self-confident and enjoyed some business successes too. However, what I learned was what a friend of mine observed about his own family: "You can keep putting the garbage out in the alley next to your house for a long, long time, but someday it's going to really start stinking, and, then, you'll have to finally really do something about it whether you want to or not". Well, when my parents both collapsed a few years later and I had to take care of both of them, I found I had to deal with the psychological stink, especially after they died. That was what really started my TMS: having to deal with the psychological conflicts I inherited from them, which were still very much embedded in my mind-brain. So, what I'm saying is that it's better to confront and deal with those conflicts in the present moment than wait for them to become a burden of karmic debt you'll have to bear throughout your life. Better now than later I'd say!
    Karen likes this.
  5. MarkV

    MarkV New Member

    First and foremost, thanks to all for the great feedback! I know my family dynamics are not all that unique and I do love them despite major dysfunctionality. I have considered "firing" my family but know that would cause enormous guilt so I know I need to deal with this, preferably directly. Interestingly, before I read your comments here after initiating this thread, I just made progress in a positive direction by confronting my older Brother who was ready to launch into a tirade about my Mother. It's scenarios like this that cause my arm to flare up bigtime. So I simply said, "Hey, no, stop right there. I need to cut you off and don't want to hear about it." He was taken aback, but when I explained this is part of my healing process, he totally acquiesced and was cool with it. I can definitively say my family will do anything to help me heal as they've witnessed my downward spiral these past two years, so I need to gently let them know they are the primary cause of my TMS (not easy, but necessary!) but I know they will support me. Baby steps...progress! I agree with BruceMC & Gigalos that I need to confront this as otherwise I will never fully resolve this issue. Karen, thank you too, as I will "honor myself" by choosing the optimal path to heal myself!
    gailnyc likes this.
  6. Gigalos

    Gigalos Beloved Grand Eagle

    Nice one Mark, especially the support your brother gave you by breaking his habit for once.
    Hope it all works out for you
    deborah a burns likes this.
  7. MarkV

    MarkV New Member

    Just a brief f/u to share that I've now confronted each of my family members separately to tell them I cannot engage in their conflict and drama. Obviously difficult to do but I now clearly see this would always be a huge impediment to my progress. Awareness and acknowledgment of the source of your TMS is definitely more than half the battle, but if you can actually take steps to diminish the core reasons by talking thru it with the perpetrators, this should prove even more beneficial.
    For those of you who fear facing loved ones due to worry and concern (especially if you are a People Pleaser like me) that you will disappoint or offend them, bite the bullet and engage in that tough conversation. Your pain may flare up temporarily, but your road to recovery just accelerated exponentially for the long run! I really feel I made a quantum leap this week and now just need to keep momentum.
    We all have weird family dynamics, but you may be surprised at the supportive reactions you receive when sharing your request to resolve family drama. I put a lot of pressure on myself, anticipating the worst type of reaction. But if they deeply care for you, they will change their habits in order to help you heal. Who knows, you may end up helping them with self-realization too!
    Gigalos likes this.
  8. BruceMC

    BruceMC Beloved Grand Eagle

    Mark- Seems like it's a good idea to get rid of all the "family stressors" you can while they're out in the open before they become deeply repressed in your unconscious. Dealing directly with problems in the here and now is obviously the best way. Congrats!
  9. MarkV

    MarkV New Member

    Thanks Bruce. What you said about the "burden of karmic debt" earlier really resonated with me and I figured I'd better strike while the iron is hot --short term pain for long term gain. It was a big hurdle for me to overcome and I can feel the tension decompressing which obviously feels great and puts me on the road to recovery...

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