Falling into despair over journaling

[JanAtheCPA]

Great discussion, great responses, and great insights @cap23. There's a ton of gold in this thread. A few that I wanted to repeat:

Self-hatred: often a way to cover up anger towards others that we feel we can’t express.

I want to tell you I was there, right where you are for a very long time. It’s uncomfortable and hard. Try to find your comfort in knowing it is temporary and don’t fight the sensations of it. I think you are very brave and courageous to keep doing this work for so long. Hugs.

It's almost as if my brain is searching for more things to "fix"to KEEP me in the cycle of fear, pain. Does that make any sense?

That's exactly what it's doing. Classic TMS mechanism, doing its job as designed!

if you continue to feel depressed and bad about yourself, maybe it's time to give yourself a break from that kind of journaling. Maybe it's a good time to focus on things like gratitude and self-compassion, instead. Also note, Nichole Sachs recommends a self-compassion meditation after every JournalSpeak session.

I am going to try journaling to just get stuff out.

Actually, "just getting stuff out" in its simplest form has been shown in a number of studies to be quite effective at reducing anxiety. All you have to do is end the day by listing the things that are stressing you out or are just on your mind. No examination, no rumination, definitely no analysis. Just a list. It brings clarity and apparently a surprising amount of calm. It's a nice way to journal without actually journaling. A way to give yourself a break as Tim suggests.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Lately, compatible with Dr. Weekes’ work, I’ve been doing Dr. David Hanscom’s DOC (Direct Your Own Care) healing method, via his app, The DOC app. His premise is you need to stop creating so much adrenaline—by learning to have joy in life again and by forgiving and learning to think differently. All three of these elements have been HUGE for me.

The app takes you gently through the process of learning all this. And it even won’t let you go too fast! I’m noticing subtle changes in myself. But it does take time to switch off the adrenaline and to build new neural pathways in your brain.

Dr. Hanscom has me journaling briefly 1-2 times a day—but only stream of consciousness. No deep digging for the buried “treasure.” Just unloading whatever’s on my mind, good or bad. I find this refreshing—and not a burden.

I love that you're doing Dr. Hanscom's program, @Diana-M and reporting on it for the rest of us! I think you might be the first! Please keep it up! (no pressure, of course ).

 

[Diana-M]

I love that you're doing Dr. Hanscom's program, @Diana-M and reporting on it for the rest of us! I think you might be the first! Please keep it up! (no pressure, of course ).

Really?! I thought others may have tried it. I’m happy to report.

 

[cap23]

Thank you all, this thread has been so helpful. I'm going to take a few days off the journaling- or I will journal about positives in my life. All the recent journaling has stirred up A LOTTTT of emotions and I do feel heavy, weighed down, in more pain and I have the urge to journal more but I'm not sure I need to, because I am FEELING everything. It just sucks. I'm so discouraged, a few months ago I was feeling so so so much better and I actually saw healing (remission, or at least close to remission) was actually within reach. And I have gone backwards. and it makes me want to ball my fists and stomp my feet like a toddler throwing a tantrum. maybe I should!

Jan you had good advice- to journal the things that are stressing me out but leave it at that. I will incorporate that into my nightly routine!

Thank you all again. I started listening to Dr. Weekes again as well

 

[Diana-M]

I'm so discouraged, a few months ago I was feeling so so so much better and I actually saw healing (remission, or at least close to remission) was actually within reach. And I have gone backwards

Don’t be discouraged! Healing is not linear. You’re still going forward. Theres someone I really look up to in the TMS healing world. Her name is @miffybunny She overcame horrendous challenges and some terrible symptoms and has healed. I saw her in an interview once and she drew a picture of the healing journey. She took a piece of paper and basically made big looping scribbles. It looked like a mess! I took note of that! And it helps me retain hope when times get hard. Also, Dr. Weekes adamantly says that we learn the most during setbacks.

Here’s @miffybunny ’s (her name is Rita) interview with Dan Buglio.

 

[cap23]

Don’t be discouraged! Healing is not linear. You’re still going forward. Theres someone I really look up to in the TMS healing world. Her name is @miffybunny She overcame horrendous challenges and some terrible symptoms and has healed. I saw her in an interview once and she drew a picture of the healing journey. She took a piece of paper and basically made big looping scribbles. It looked like a mess! I took note of that! And it helps me retain hope when times get hard. Also, Dr. Weekes adamantly says that we learn the most during setbacks.

Here’s @miffybunny ’s (her name is Rita) interview with Dan Buglio.

I'll give this a listen, I love Dan!

The part that is like a thorn in my side, still, after months now- is the fact that my condition is autoimmune. I can SEE it in bloodwork, I can see joint swelling at times. That being said, once I started to believe it was in fact TMS and/or my brain focusing too much on symptoms and I did the work- it got muuuuuuch better. So this thorn in my brain is just there to stall me. It's almost like my brain gave me an autoimmune condition as the final "test"- the more scared I am, the worse the condition gets, but RA DOES cause damage! So it's like I have to not fear something that is legitimately scary in order to heal.

For many months, I debated with myself whether or not the cure for an autoimmune condition lies within the mind, nervous system, repressed emotions. What is interesting is I fully believe in stories I read of people healing from anything AI- but I can't quite believe it for myself. TMS brain at work, I guess. When I first joined the forum I asked what everyone thought about autoimmune being TMS and you all were basically like... yep. lol. I think I just need to hear it a lot. Or, because I am not yet where I want to be, I tell myself "see- autoimmune can't be reversed with TMS work. It isn't working because it is a real, physical, structural issue". There is a part of me that does not want to heal, it seems.

I know in my soul that my RA started after decades of nervous system dysregulation, being scared, being anxious, over thinking, and the straw that broke the camels back was a very upsetting incident with my father and I pushed my anger towards him down. So if I believe that fully in my soul----- whyyyyyy don't I fully believe that I can, maybe not 100% heal, but at least have minimal symptoms, with TMS work??

Thank you all again endlessly.

 

[cap23]

Don’t be discouraged! Healing is not linear. You’re still going forward. Theres someone I really look up to in the TMS healing world. Her name is @miffybunny She overcame horrendous challenges and some terrible symptoms and has healed. I saw her in an interview once and she drew a picture of the healing journey. She took a piece of paper and basically made big looping scribbles. It looked like a mess! I took note of that! And it helps me retain hope when times get hard. Also, Dr. Weekes adamantly says that we learn the most during setbacks.

Here’s @miffybunny ’s (her name is Rita) interview with Dan Buglio.

Also I meant to say thank you. You, and everyone else here, are filling me back up with hope.

 

[Diana-M]

Hope is a good thing! You can go miles and miles on it! Also— check out this RA success story interview by Dan. I’ll include the forum’s discussion about it, because there’s a lot of good stuff there. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/rheumatoid-arthritis-success-story-not-my-own.28177/

 

[cap23]

Hope is a good thing! You can go miles and miles on it! Also— check out this RA success story interview by Dan. I’ll include the forum’s discussion about it, because there’s a lot of good stuff there. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/rheumatoid-arthritis-success-story-not-my-own.28177/ (Rheumatoid Arthritis Success Story (not my own))

I have listened to Phil's story twice now and I think I need to listen to it a 3rd. He healed because he believed it originated in the mind

 

[Ellen]

Just want to add that Dr. Sarno talked about the importance of the Rage-Soothe ratio. It's important to engage in soothing activities to counter those activities that bring up rage and other negative emotions. Limit the time you spend journaling about negative emotions and be sure to find soothing activities to engage in throughout your day. Meditation may be soothing for some people, but for some it can create space to bring up difficult memories. Some other soothing activities may be hanging out with friends or animals, spending time in nature, music, creating art, etc.

 

[feduccini]

Dr. Hanscom has me journaling briefly 1-2 times a day—but only stream of consciousness. No deep digging for the buried “treasure.” Just unloading whatever’s on my mind, good or bad. I find this refreshing—and not a burden.

I really like this concept. I know Schubiner, Sachs, Sarno and on would say to make a list of stressors and free journal about it and it's a powerful tool, but like you said, there's something really refreshing about writing about anything at all. Just be there, have a cup of tea, and no need of accomplishing anything.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

whyyyyyy don't I fully believe that I can, maybe not 100% heal, but at least have minimal symptoms, with TMS work??

I have talked about my RA story a number of times here, and also with Nicole Sachs on her June 7, 2024 podcast episode. My new (younger) rheumatologist has declared me to be "in remission with medication" and my CRP has been essentially zero almost every quarter since 2021. I finally wrote up my story and a flare success here:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/recovery-from-a-big-flare-in-less-than-24-hours.29160/ (Recovery from a big flare in less than 24 hours)
Spoiler alert: you certainly can have minimal RA symptoms. Do the work, and work on outcome independence. I love how Nicole phrases it - she refers to "wearing it loosely" and it was the biggest compliment when she said that's what I was doing. You can too.

 

[Diana-M]

I really like this concept. I know Schubiner, Sachs, Sarno and on would say to make a list of stressors and free journal about it and it's a powerful tool, but like you said, there's something really refreshing about writing about anything at all. Just be there, have a cup of tea, and no need of accomplishing anything.

I agree! After you finish writing, you’re supposed to tear it up and throw it away. Don’t reread it or anything. It creates distance between you and your thoughts. Here’s what Dr. Hanscom says about it in the DOC app:

“In the era of advanced neuroscience research, pain, anxiety, and anger are all viewed as neurological circuits and physiological responses. These embedded patterns cannot be controlled, changed, or removed. You can only detach or separate from them and then form “detours” or new, more functional circuits. In order to begin this process, you need some distance between your thoughts and automatic reactions.

Expressive writing creates this needed space. You will develop an awareness of your thoughts, positive or negative, and you can separate from them. Its effectiveness has been demonstrated in many research studies.”

 

[cap23]

I have talked about my RA story a number of times here, and also with Nicole Sachs on her June 7, 2024 podcast episode. My new (younger) rheumatologist has declared me to be "in remission with medication" and my CRP has been essentially zero almost every quarter since 2021. I finally wrote up my story and a flare success here:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/recovery-from-a-big-flare-in-less-than-24-hours.29160/ (Recovery from a big flare in less than 24 hours)
Spoiler alert: you certainly can have minimal RA symptoms. Do the work, and work on outcome independence. I love how Nicole phrases it - she refers to "wearing it loosely" and it was the biggest compliment when she said that's what I was doing. You can too.

Thank you, Jan. I listened to your podcast with Nicole but will give it a listen again. Your story inspired me once, and will inspire me again.

Outcome independence is THEE KEY.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Thank you, @cap23

Outcome independence and the recognition that we all need to be reinspired on a regular basis! We can learn to get better and faster at shifting out of the automatic fear response, but it's still going to happen, because that's life, and our brains are literally wired to be fearful and negative in response to life's stressors.

I happen to resonate with the particular way that Nicole teaches us how to achieve the shift, which is how I end up listening to and recommending her so much. She's my inspiration by being realistic and pragmatic, and she also doesn't hesitate to share how the stress response works to trip her up, all the time!

 

[Xara]

I entered the forum to ask for help for similar thoughts, problems, symptoms... And I am reading this post! From the moment certain emotions emerged in my daily life, from the moment established beliefs from childhood became conscious and I started realizing how unfairly and unlovingly I was treated , my symptoms returned like a hurricane from nowhere. Despair, anger and fear, and fear to face and feel the fear... like I was never permitted to feel it ( though intellectually I admit it is something very human).
You expressed it thoroughly. I don't know the answer. I am just watching it happen.

 

[cap23]

I entered the forum to ask for help for similar thoughts, problems, symptoms... And I am reading this post! From the moment certain emotions emerged in my daily life, from the moment established beliefs from childhood became conscious and I started realizing how unfairly and unlovingly I was treated , my symptoms returned like a hurricane from nowhere. Despair, anger and fear, and fear to face and feel the fear... like I was never permitted to feel it ( though intellectually I admit it is something very human).
You expressed it thoroughly. I don't know the answer. I am just watching it happen.

I relate to you! At the end of your post you said "I am just watching it happen" and I think that is so important. To become aware of our fear, feelings, but to not allow it control over us.

I still don't know why, or when, I got the message that I had to ignore and suppress fear, although I have a pretty good idea. But I am realizing through this- it doesn't matter why, what matters is I got the message, and I have to teach my body that it is safe to feel fear and anger and all the negative emotions.

As you read, when I first started journaling my symptoms increased a lot. It was awful. But I came through the other side and felt so much better. I am currently in round two of that. Hang in there!

 

[ahri11]

Focusing TOO much just puts more emphasis on symptoms, at least I think it is for me

Yeah, it tends to be like that for me too. It's the how I am focussing though, not the on what. C.W's floating technique helps me with this; I think it's even just the word use...floating instead of (somatic)tracking. Feels so much lighter and easy going to me, and I definitely need some easing up

 

[cap23]

Yeah, it tends to be like that for me too. It's the how I am focussing though, not the on what. C.W's floating technique helps me with this; I think it's even just the word use...floating instead of (somatic)tracking. Feels so much lighter and easy going to me, and I definitely need some easing up

Floating is a better word to use, I agree. Like you said, it feels lighter. The language we use, even silently in our brains, is important

 

[feduccini]

Nichole Sach's journaling isn't all about anger. That isn't her method at all. It's about ALL emotions that come up.

One interesting thing happened to me yesterday though. I picked one of my list topics to journal and felt absolute nothing. Then I went to meditation and an intense anger started to come up. I went back to journaling and in about 2 lines my writing started to turn into an angry scratch. Well, it worked, not in the way I thought it would, but it did. I felt better.