I'm sure we can all relate to the impatience to feel better. That impatience also creates tension. I have woken up many mornings and my first thought was "oh, no, this can't still be happening!" And guess what? It was!! This is why we truly cannot focus on the pain as a measuring stick for our wellness or progress. Some people interpret this as just ignoring the pain. Ignoring the pain or purposefully trying NOT to think about it can sometimes be so difficult it just aggravates its intensity. I have begun to think more in terms of focus. I can notice that I am feeling a lot of pain or high anxiety and then accept that is how it is right now and then choose to take my attention elsewhere. Sometimes I can refocus and then get so caught up in whatever I am doing that I become aware that I have forgotten the pain for a long time. The more you develop the ability to do this, the more irrelevant the pain becomes to your quality of life and living. I think of it as putting the pain in the backseat. There may be days it hops in the front seat and grabs the wheel, but if you develop confidence that you'll be able to get it in the back seat again, it won't control your life. When I first heard the advice to do what makes you feel happy, it made me angry because I felt that of course we would choose to do what makes us happy but it is impossible to be happy when you are in this much pain. Pain can be an obstacle to happiness. On the flip side, if you can find your way to joy, the pain is always much less and life is good in spite of the pain. This does not mean we have to live with pain forever, but impatience, anxiety, worry, never help. The pain will go when we've done the work we need to do, and it may be impossible to figure that all out this instant. That is frustrating. If that frustration could heal us, we would all be well. The anxiety is trying to distract you and you can figure out why. Not with impatience and frustration, embrace how counterproductive those are. Writing is great because it helps you to notice how you are thinking and feeling. The next step is to notice how you are thinking without big pronouncements and judgements, all the "can'ts" and "shoulds" and "what ifs" Explore, play detective with your own life. Once you get the hang of it, it is actually fun. If at first none of it makes sense, is confusing, or you hit a bunch of brick walls, keep going. At some point something will ring true and you will know its true, you will recognize it and just know it without question. It may be painful or hard to face and you'll get a sense of what your subconscious is trying to protect you from.
