Eye Pain = TMS trying to help me feel justice?

[Freedom]

I am trying to determine if these symptoms I am having are TMS.
Note: I have had 2 e-visits with Doctors and have taken medication which has not helped. I am going to find a specialist (Ophthalmologist) for further due diligence. However, I wanted to talk about the MANY emotional aspects of this, as it feels like its starting to go in that direction

HOW IT HAPPENED:
A few weeks ago, I had to go into the office for an "on-site meeting" at work.
Of course, since this is in the middle of Covid-19, I wore a mask.
Afterwards, I took off my sweater because I was sweating(I only even wore the sweater because its so damn cold in the building), and in the process the mask went into my eye.

SYMPTOMS:
My eye felt a bit odd on the left side for a while afterwards. Kind of like something was touching it from inside the eyelid. I had a visit with a doctor and prescribed me an ointment to use for a week. Since this point I have had other symptoms than the slight uncomfortableness I originally had (dryness, burning, aching, etc).

EMOTIONS/THOUGHTS Surround the event:
I did not want to go to this on-site meeting.
It seemed a completely unnecessary risk.
Further more, we didn't even have a meeting room for it, we had to go in the cafeteria and spread out, so we could not hear each other.
The truth is, we have done many meetings online, and I can hear everyone very clearly through headset.
Yet they REQUIRED us to go in person.
This was the second time they had done this.
I for the life of me cant understand WHY they would make us meet in person when it is CLEARLY less effective.
It is one thing if they force us to because they think its better for the business, but not only is not it not better for the business, its WORSE. Its worse for the employees, and worse for the business... a LOSE LOSE scenario.

BIGGEST INITIAL FEAR:
What made this so frustrating for me is that, I was worried... what if I damaged my eye sight? Permanently? And it all happened because of this stupid fucking meeting. In my mind, I am angry and blame the company for this.
In my mind, it seems like they thought they would get some minor advantage from having us be on-site but now I may end up with eye damage for the rest of my life. It makes me feel completely insignificant. And its totally unfair. It would be like if someone shot me and made me a cripple so they could make an extra $1000 dollars, and now it affects me for the rest of my life. Hopefully that is not the case, but that was/is my fear and what made me so angry.

WHATS MAKING IT WORSE:
To add insult to injury, the company has been hurting financially, and we ended up getting a paycut from our salary, indefinitely, as well as a pause on any company match contributions to 401k accounts. It is very demotivating to work for less. And its so much worse when you are already upset at the company.
ALSO, we are in a time where we are working more than ever. So we are MAKING LESS but WORKING MORE! The company has newer stricter deadlines on our project. On top of my 40 hours I also work nights and weekends , ONLY to make LESS!!!

This was weeks ago and I can't seem to get over it. I hate having to work for a company that I am angry at. But the truth is, with so much unemployment going on, it is way too risky to look for another job right now. Furthermore, I have some big financial goals that will likely take a lot of my time for the remainder of the year and wasn't planning on looking for another job until another 12 months from now. I feel like i'm trapped.

At this point, best case scenario is the specialist (ophthalmologist) tells me I don't have anything they can detect (and they will probably give me an additional medication to take). Then in another week or two , I still have to suffer through, and contact them back and they may just raise their hands. The entire course of this will have been at least a month where I will have been miserable, which is time taken from me. This has been a massive inconvenience, and the company could give a shit less

THEORY/QUESTION:
I'm uncomfortable even voicing this, because it brings to surface my anger which makes me even more reluctant to continue to put in the high effort I have been putting in. Maybe this is part of why my symptoms have persisted? Since I feel stuck here and don't want to have to work for a company that has angered me so much, and my subconscious thinks if my eyes hurt I will look at the screen less, and then I will end up having to work less? Like its my only way to feel some kind of justice in this?

 

[Dorado]

What made this so frustrating for me is that, I was worried... what if I damaged my eye sight? Permanently? And it all happened because of this stupid fucking meeting. In my mind, I am angry and blame the company for this.
In my mind, it seems like they thought they would get some minor advantage from having us be on-site but now I may end up with eye damage for the rest of my life. It makes me feel completely insignificant. And its totally unfair. It would be like if someone shot me and made me a cripple so they could make an extra $1000 dollars, and now it affects me for the rest of my life. Hopefully that is not the case, but that was/is my fear and what made me so angry.

To add insult to injury, the company has been hurting financially, and we ended up getting a paycut from our salary, indefinitely, as well as a pause on any company match contributions to 401k accounts. It is very demotivating to work for less. And its so much worse when you are already upset at the company.
ALSO, we are in a time where we are working more than ever. So we are MAKING LESS but WORKING MORE! The company has newer stricter deadlines on our project. On top of my 40 hours I also work nights and weekends , ONLY to make LESS!!!

This was weeks ago and I can't seem to get over it. I hate having to work for a company that I am angry at. But the truth is, with so much unemployment going on, it is way too risky to look for another job right now. Furthermore, I have some big financial goals that will likely take a lot of my time for the remainder of the year and wasn't planning on looking for another job until another 12 months from now. I feel like i'm trapped.

I am so sorry your employer put you in a situation that was unnecessary and not safe during a pandemic, and has also not supported you in other ways that are important to your mental, emotional, physical, financial, career, etc. well-being. You have every right to feel angry. That said, no matter how justified, those emotions CAN without a doubt cause the symptoms you're experiencing. The mask can cause discomfort when coming into contact with your eye, but it is highly unlikely for anyone to experience permanent damage in this scenario. When you're stressed out, a minor irritation that heals may feel like it never did and additional symptoms can also pop up.

I once thought I was going blind after a doctor accidentally prescribed me with multiple nose drops (one of the nose jobs was actually meant to be taken in pill form, sigh) and I essentially had a small overdose that was identified by my jittery demeanor. My vision was blurry and I started researching blindness tied to nose drops, which only showed one or two SUPER rare cases where the individuals had pre-existing conditions totally unrelated to my situation, but it was enough to freak me out because of course everything almost impossible happens to me (even though it doesn't ). I went to the ophthalmologist... and my eyes were totally fine and only blurry from the chronic dryness I've had for years, which is also a product of emotional stress.

I'm uncomfortable even voicing this, because it brings to surface my anger which makes me even more reluctant to continue to put in the high effort I have been putting in. Maybe this is part of why my symptoms have persisted? Since I feel stuck here and don't want to have to work for a company that has angered me somuch, and my subconscious thinks if my eyes hurt I will look at the screen less, and then I will end up having to work less? Like its my only way to feel some kind of justice in this?

Please do not feel any shame over questioning whether this is TMS/the mind-body connection. This is a smart question to ask and the world would be very different if more people - including their healthcare professionals - knew when to ask. I'm willing to bet your eye doctor finds nothing. It could certainly be the result of you unconsciously wishing for justice against your employer, or it could be as simple as your body being stuck in fight-or-flight mode from stress and feeling extra sensitive. I've posted many times about not overcoming hangovers because I was dealing with emotional stress. At one point, despite not even being an alcoholic (as confirmed by many doctors because boy did I bring that up again and again), I truly believed I had alcoholic neuropathy after a bar crawl with friends just before my 26th birthday. A Havard-trained neurologist laughed me out of his office, implied that I was crazy, and told me to get lost. I found another neurologist who was willing to say to me, "You are so emotionally stressed out that your body is feeling pain even though the hangover is long gone, and more symptoms are appearing because your body is getting even more stressed out as you continue to believe you permanently damaged yourself." Some people have lifted boxes, pulled out their backs, experienced years of pain, and then recovered after taking the TMS approach. You would be far from alone!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I'm uncomfortable even voicing this, because it brings to surface my anger

And I will add that right here is an example of where honestly writing about your emotions could be extremely freeing!

Just let it all out on paper, and do NOT hold back! One method of doing this is the "unsent letter". Write a letter to the company - or to an individual(s) - or whoever needs to receive the full force of your rage. You can throw it right away. The power of simply getting all the rage and all the shit down on paper cannot be underestimated - it really works. Suppressing it because you think you "should" just invites your brain to create distractions with pain and other symptoms.

Every night, I write down my anger, my concerns, the things I need to do tomorrow, and finally some things that I can be grateful for, or at least that went well that day. This was not my practice for a long time, and it would benefit me greatly if I consistently included meditation afterwards - but the writing alone is very good, and sometimes also very revealing as a random thought will suddenly occur to me, which I get onto the paper.

 

[Baseball65]

When my son was 2 we were going out to play and he went "Blah!" and threw his hands out...one of his little toddler sausage fingers went into my eye. It was so bad that I couldn't even open the other one because of sympathetic tearing up. When the ER room finally checked with that glow-under-black-light eye sauce, they said I had a nice size divot missing from my cornea. There was nothing they could do

For three days I had to wear eye coverings on both eyes and do nothing. It sucked. But I could see fine again in about a week. The eye is one of the fastest healing things in the body (swimming in saline, right?)

now..reading about your job? Whoa!!! I'd be all kinds of TMS inducing flamed about that. And you have that big old conflict you outlined between security vs. Money.

I feel stuck here and don't want to have to work for a company that has angered me so much, and my subconscious thinks if my eyes hurt I will look at the screen less, and then I will end up having to work less?

I think your spot on in your assessment though it might be a little subtler than that... did you really love your job Or was it just the best money you could make? If it is, than they are F-ing with the only reason you're there. Are there other people relying on you financially? Would they suffer if you told the Co. To go to hell?

I feel like i'm trapped.

By whom? Them, or you vs. Your 'Moses' and higher ethics?

But yeah, you are spot on... I have a feeling that if you slipped on the floor and hit your kneecap at that meeting , THAT would be your symptom... you were ripe for picking and the TMS chose the shortest path to trying to 'help' you by distracting you from your rage.

 

[Ladybee]

And I will add that right here is an example of where honestly writing about your emotions could be extremely freeing!

Just let it all out on paper, and do NOT hold back! One method of doing this is the "unsent letter". Write a letter to the company - or to an individual(s) - or whoever needs to receive the full force of your rage. You can throw it right away. The power of simply getting all the rage and all the shit down on paper cannot be underestimated - it really works. Suppressing it because you think you "should" just invites your brain to create distractions with pain and other symptoms.

Every night, I write down my anger, my concerns, the things I need to do tomorrow, and finally some things that I can be grateful for, or at least that went well that day. This was not my practice for a long time, and it would benefit me greatly if I consistently included meditation afterwards - but the writing alone is very good, and sometimes also very revealing as a random thought will suddenly occur to me, which I get onto the paper.

I love your post. I am in the process of writing things down. I think it will help me a LOT. I am a very emotional person. I have to analyze every damn thing. I am getting better. Been in counseling for several years (due to personal issues) which is helping a great deal. I no longer suffer from conscious anxiety - but I am sure there is a LOT of unconscious anxiety. So happy to learn about TMS.