The good news is I’m kicking fear’s butt. I’m no longer panicked like I used to be. The bad news? I still am constantly thinking about the pain. How can you not when it’s yelling at you all the time? I allow myself to look at it without fear as much as possible, but it’s a challenge to distract myself from it entirely. Sometimes I can, for moments, when it gets really small. Oh and the extinction bursts. I went out yesterday with the woman I love to consciously have some fun. That morning I had a good stretch of feeling almost normal. In fact—side note—these past two weeks it’s been like swinging between some of my best moments I’ve had in a year and some of my worst. Great first half of a day, nightmare second half. Or vice versa. I wonder if that’s a sign of progress. SO up and down now, maximum intensity on both sides, and in shorter intervals. Anyway, we went out and my discomfort bloomed into serious pain. (I have pain in my rectal area. It’s great.) It was as if my TMS was screaming for my attention. It ran down my leg. It started burning. It obviously got my focus if not my fear, and certainly my disappointment even as I tried to look at it as progress. So we went home and I more or less passed out from fatigue. It’s hard not to think about this. It may not be hurting my body but it dominates my life (at the moment). I certainly am removing my fear of it as much as possible, which I’m proud of, but it is coming at me hard, y’all. It does NOT like this. I hope I’m on the right path.