Well, it's 5:00 a.m. here and I've been awake for an hour in pain. Since I have returned from a very stressful overseas work trip five days ago, my TMS pain at night has gotten worse. Over the past three months, I have not had one single night of restful sleep. Not one. Most nights I average about five hours of restless sleep, and it is starting to take its toll on me. For a little while, I was able to shift to a new position and get back to at least a restless sleep, but the past two nights have been agony. The pain from my butt down into my leg is so intense that no deep breathing, positive affirmations, TMS thinking could possibly allow me relief enough to get back to sleep. So I've been waking at 5:00 to go soak in my hot tub. Not to soak my muscles, but to try to relax overall, because even laying on the couch brings no relief. Until three months ago, I had no idea how agonizing pain while sleeping could be. The best way I can describe it is it literally feels like bloodflow has been cut off and my butt/leg is crying out for help as it feels like it is dying. It's like when a body part falls asleep and you get the pain right before the numbness sets in. Except in my case, it's all pain and no numbness. I truly don't know where to go from here. It is a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. During the day, I can self-talk and practice TMS thoughts. But when we're sleeping, there is nothing we can do to stop the unconscious mind and the conditioning from running rampant. The lack of sleep just makes me feel emotional and exhausted. So I'm spending my days feeling a little crazy and like I'm walking through life in a haze now. Before you suggest it, NO sleep medicines help. They will keep me asleep until a certain point, but the pain inevitably ALWAYS breaks through at a certain hour. I have an appointment with my regular doctor/acupuncturist this morning and I'm thinking about asking him to prescribe some kind of anxiety med that I can take for a week or two to kind of "reset" myself ad calm myself down enough to hopefully work through this. I know Steve O says that meds just prolong TMS, but I don't know what else to do to get some relief before I end up in the hospital with exhaustion. I also only want to take something very short term because I don't like taking traditional medicine. I am also seeing the therapist that I went to for anxiety a couple years ago on Monday. This will be my first time going to her since discovering TMS, but the last time I saw her she was very helpful, and looking back, I think she was trying to get me to understand the mind/body connection even then. I don't know what I'm looking for with this post, because I know that everyone will say to hang in there and be kind to myself and keep practicing TMS thinking. I have ZERO doubt that this is 100% TMS, but I'm just stuck in a very difficult conditioning cycle that I'm not sure how to get out of. TMS work is a lot easier done when you're not laying in bed at 3:30 a.m. in agony.