Day 11 Exercise

The question to ponder today is: When was the last time I exercised? Do I have any apprehension about exercising or engaging in physical activity?

I'm going to start right out by saying that I don't enjoy physical activity. Unlike some other TMSers, I'm not devastated because I can no longer go out running or play tennis or whatever. Never did that stuff. Give me a book and I'm happy.

I did join a "50 and beyond" gym a couple of years ago because it seemed like the right thing to do for my body. But my attendance was so sporadic that I cancelled my membership last summer. Some of the exercises seemed to make my back hurt and my hands numb, so I don't feel like paying to go back for now. I guess that would be apprehension.

I'm not apprehensive about walking, even though it hurts. I'm a little apprehensive about writing a lot because of my recent diagnosis of severe carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand. I don't have pain, but numbness. I'm journaling anyway though. Does that count as exercise?

 

Lilibet, what is your favorite activity that TMS has made either impossible or very painful? Maybe that's a better question for you to think about.

 

I don't really have a favorite activity, Gail, except for sitting in my chair zoning out on my iPad. This is who I am at heart. When I was a kid, it was books. My mother made me go play with other kids, but I never really enjoyed it, and I know it's a source of anger. I'm most comfortable by myself. I've tried various creative activities, but as a perfectionist, I never feel like I do them well enough to enjoy, and I don't have the patience to work at it. I'm starting to feel the same way about this TMS work. I'm very sad writing this, and angry at myself for being so unwilling to do positive things for myself. :-(

 

You really have nothing you like to do? Cooking, gardening, nothing? TMS isn't keeping you from doing anything you want to do?

By the way, TMS work isn't something you can do "well." You do it as you do it. Also, I would say it's more practice than work.

 

My niece is such a strong perfectionist. She chooses to do nothing because of she does do something she drives herself to be perfect at it taking away all enjoyment. Lilibet, now you know this about yourself. You can manage your perfectionism. You can journal about it and talk to yourself about it.

For many years I have been absolutely nuts about gardening but I constantly compared my garden to others finding mine lacking. Then beating myself on the head for every little flaw, etc. But now I know what I am doing. I can work on it. You can too. Talk back to that person beating you on the head. You can do it.

 

Through this site I have learnt a lot about perfectionism. I have always known that I have this tendency, but in the past saw it as a positive. I now see it as the complete opposite. For more information on this, put Brene Brown into google.

 

That's what I said, Gail. You asked a very good question above and I answered it honestly after giving it a lot of thought. It was very painful to write it and open myself up like that. Unfortunately, my lifelong experience has been that when I am authentic (even in something as simple as expressing a trivial preference), people often respond with disbelief, as you did. I know you meant well, and I value your input, but part of my healing TMS is to be real, and not just say what I think is acceptable or "normal". Again, I do appreciate your comments very much. I hope we can all support each other in being honest as part of our healing TMS.

Well said. Thank you for this insight.

 

Thank you for this Stella. Perfectionism is what I will be journaling about today as part of my Day 12 on the SEP. It is really is a huge part of my TMS. Knowledge can bring change, as you say.

 

Lilibet, I did not mean to suggest you were not telling the truth. It's just that, for most people, TMS keeps them from doing something they enjoy.

Thank you for sharing, especially if it was difficult to share. I wish you much healing.

 

Wow, Sheree, I just listened to Brene Brown's TED talk (love TED!). That was amazing. Thank you!

 

Thanks Gail.

 

Going back to the original "question to ponder" about the last time I exercised, I'm happy to report that I took a walk this morning in my neighborhood for the first time in over a week. It was much further than I've been comfortable doing in a long time. Yes, it hurt a little, but I didn't even have to stop and wait for it to subside. I was able to keep going. Woo Hoo!!! I think this is working!

 

Great news Lilbet. You may find the following KEYS TO HEALING helpful. I certainly did.

www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=7765

 

Thanks, Sheree. I discovered those a few days ago and printed them out for reference. They are excellent.

 

Which one did you see? I saw the one on vulnerability--incredible.

 

That was the one, Gail. Yes, incredible! Sheree said on another thread that Brene Brown has a bunch of YouTube videos too. I'll meet you over there.

 

Still journaling and learning.

I continue to learn that I have this profound deep sense of being worthless. I have had this feeling all my life. Tied into that is a terrible fear of rejection. I "see" everything in other people...shrugs, eye twitches, frowns, smirks, all facial expressions and I know instantly if they are unhappy with me. Then the dark cloud starts to move into my head and physical pain deepens.

I think as a small child I so desperately wanted my Mother to love me. I watched everything she said and did hoping anything I would do would make her care. No matter how good I was nothing ever worked for the rest of my life.

 

Ohhh Stella - how sad. I don't think for one minute that you are capable of causing people to be 'unhappy with you', but I can see that this was instilled in you as a child. It is wonderful that you have made such inroads to recovery now and I hope you are a lot kinder to yourself. You DO deserve it.

 

I would like to add... now I know. I have deep insight to what drives me. As I see the fear play out in my life I can manage it.

 

Stella, as a newbie, I think on some level I fear finding these deep dark sad places by journaling. Congratulations and hugs for going there and sharing it. It's encouraging to know that you are able to manage your fear now that you know about it. I will keep tiptoeing toward that knowing. Thank you.