BamBam
New Member
The question to ponder was do I recognize the emotions connected to my pain? I definitely notice that almost all the emotions I feel ultimately funnel down to one common feeling: not feeling like I'm good enough. Whether it's playing music, talking to girls, social interactions...I've always been worried that I wouldn't be good enough and therefore wouldn't be loved. I also recognize that these feelings stem from my dad dying when I was five. That experience left me feeling abandoned and subconsciously that I wasn't good enough. I think I developed various TMS symptoms from then on. I repressed anger because I didn't know how to deal with it. A few years later, my mom and I moved from California to a small town in Oregon, which was a huge culture shock. I was different than the kids in that small town. I had emotions and I didn't like the typical redneck activities that they enjoyed. I was made fun of and bullied a lot for the next 9 years of schooling. I learned to always be on the alert for someone to tear me down emotionally or some other hardship. I was always worried about what would go wrong. This affected my interactions with peers, girls, teachers, activities, you name it. I was always a little angry, depressed and insecure. I now recognize those were just ways TMS manifested in me. I think both my parents, but definitely my mom and some of my aunts had severe TMS symptoms my whole life, so that probably reinforced many of my behaviors. So now when I get pain, I recognize that it is most likely my inner child not feeling like he's good enough. So my job now is to re-mind him that he IS good enough. That he IS loved. That he IS safe and that if he makes a mistake, he will be okay. I never thought of myself as having negative self talk but I am now seeing all the numerous ways I constantly pressured, criticized and scared my inner child. No wonder I was in pain. No wonder my romantic relationships were always tarnished by jealousy, insecurity and anger. But I have to forgive myself. I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. The great news is that as I'm becoming mindful of these things. I can see a whole world opening up that I always saw in other people, but never knew how to achieve. I can have fun again. I can enjoy life without constantly worrying or fearing. I can feel these feelings and let go of them instead of pushing them down. I can be my biggest supporter instead of my biggest critic. I am so thankful for Dr. Sarno's work and this wiki. They are great recourses for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear.
