Emotions around a flare.

[GemmaLeanne]

After having a really good week last week this one has been incredibly tough with high pain again, I hold it together all day for my son but once I’ve put him into bed I let the tears I’ve been holding back all day flow. I know holding that emotion all day surely isn’t good for my nervous system but also necessary because I don’t want my little boy to see me sad, he’s 3 and very aware of everything around him.

But my questions are is feeling so much sadness around the pain going to make it worse, I try really hard to look at the positives of last week as proof I can get at least a bit better but I still can’t stop the sadness.

Also when I feel I need this good cry my brain says well done you’ve just given us even more reason to give you more pain (my pain is in my eyes) so I feel like I can’t win, I either hold onto the emotion and get pain or let myself cry and get pain

 

[Fal]

Don't hold your emotion in, if you feel sad then feel sad, teach your young boy that its okay to feel your feelings and if he askes if youre okay? Just say "im okay, im just sad" and if understands what that means just give him a big cuddle.

My son asks me most days if im okay (hes only 6) and sometimes im like yeah im fine, and other times i tell him im sad and he will come and give me a cuddle and a kiss.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

Thank you for this comment, I get constant comments from family members saying 'he can't see you like this' when I cry and making me feel like it's not ok to be sad infront of him. When actually like you just said its teaching him it's ok to feel his feelings.
Maybe this is another thing that's coming up from my past, I was also always taught with my job 'smile on stage' no matter what's going on in your life and I think its filtered too much into my personal life.

 

[feduccini]

I know holding that emotion all day surely isn’t good for my nervous system

Hi Gemma, welcome to the forum.

You can hold an emotion all day long if you know you'll be able to process this emotion later, in bed, in the shower, going for a night walk etc.
What you're treating here is the emotion you've been holding your entire life.

Yes, holding it during the day may increase the symptoms, but it's no use trying to control the pain. It's your relation with the pain that's important. It's, when your eyes are aching, the self compassion to admit it's a bad day and you have the right to feel sad. It's also knowing that you're being sent hopelessness by the amygdala, and that this fear of being in pain for a long time doesn't reflect what's happening in your brain (last week is proof of it, as you noticed).

Symptoms will come and go. And when they come they'll try to bring you down, because it's an attempt to prevent you from being out there in the "danger zone". People who heal usually tell the symptoms were still high right before the healing came.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

It's really interesting that you say about the self compassion and it being ok to be sad because I feel like I beat myself up for being sad and tell myself 'this isn't going to help' rather than just accepting its ok to be sad.

I felt last week like I'd finally got the proof that I can get better and I had a really busy week doing all the things I haven't felt able to do for a long time, maybe being out so much in the 'dangerous world' as my brain thinks has caused the spike.

Thats also really interesting that people report symptoms were still high right before healing came as everytime it gets worse again I feel like I've taken a step back but I have to remember I'm still further ahead than when I started.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

everytime it gets worse again I feel like I've taken a step back but I have to remember I'm still further ahead than when I started.

Hah - this is your brain on TMS, desperately trying to do it's job as it senses you are out there facing the dangerous world where you might be eaten by a tiger. You can have compassion for your poor primitive brain while you also move forward to reclaim your life. You're doing great, and these responses from @Fal and @feduccini are both SO awesome for you.

 

[dlane2530]

I get constant comments from family members saying 'he can't see you like this' when I cry and making me feel like it's not ok to be sad infront of him

I struggle with this, too, but one thing that helps me is the realization that what you are actually doing is telling yourself that your feelings are dangerous to your son. This is only slightly different from telling yourself that your feelings are dangerous to you, which is the root cause of TMS.

 

[dlane2530]

Also, this might sound odd but I'm starting to think that the way I have long felt and expressed emotions -- for example, sobbing after holding it in a long time -- is not really the only way to feel and express them. Yes, everyone cries sometimes, but I was reading Gabor Mate and he talks about feeling anger in a totally different way than I've ever felt it. And then I watch this by Jim Prussack and I thought, can I feel sorrow/anger/etc. as something that passes through my body rather than something that I express through alarm (for me, I have realizing, both sobbing and yelling are basically expressions of my fear around an emotion)?
Maybe something to think about. Can you do this window exercise throughout the day with your sorrow instead of bottling it up and sobbing at the end of the day?
I think this is acceptance.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/uZkBgHo31To

 

[GemmaLeanne]

You are so right, I think as well I was going through a really rough time just before my pain started and I would never cry infront of him, apart from the odd occasion when I couldn't help but completely break. This suppressed emotion probably tipped me over the edge of being in pain.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

Also, this might sound odd but I'm starting to think that the way I have long felt and expressed emotions -- for example, sobbing after holding it in a long time -- is not really the only way to feel and express them. Yes, everyone cries sometimes, but I was reading Gabor Mate and he talks about feeling anger in a totally different way than I've ever felt it. And then I watch this by Jim Prussack and I thought, can I feel sorrow/anger/etc. as something that passes through my body rather than something that I express through alarm (for me, I have realizing, both sobbing and yelling are basically expressions of my fear around an emotion)?
Maybe something to think about. Can you do this window exercise throughout the day with your sorrow instead of bottling it up and sobbing at the end of the day?
I think this is acceptance.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/uZkBgHo31To

Thank you for sharing this I will definitely give it a go trying to change the automatic negative thoughts with positive ones!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

change the automatic negative thoughts with positive ones!

My personal preference is to use the words constructive or proactive rather than "positive", which unfortunately can sometimes be used to promote false "happy face" optimism - which is not what we're going for here. This is about proactively accepting the existence and the validity of our emotions, and constructively breaking down the repression that causes our distress and conflict.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

Thank you, I definitely struggle with not doing the false happy face because I know no one around me wants to hear how I'm truly feeling, thats where I suppose the journalling comes in to feel my 'real' feelings.

 

[feduccini]

I felt last week like I'd finally got the proof that I can get better and I had a really busy week doing all the things I haven't felt able to do for a long time, maybe being out so much in the 'dangerous world' as my brain thinks has caused the spike.

That might be it yes, but the thing is, most of the time it's hard to know where the pain is coming from. TMS does punish us for going against what it wants, but we would feel other symptoms if stayed in bed either way. The self-compassion piece is paramont. Almost every success story I've read or watched has the person telling it was very important. I think what happens is that we lower the shield and let ourselves feel the emotions better, and feeling without controlling is incredibly therapeutic.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

Self compassion is the thing I find the hardest and I'm forever batting away my automatic negative thoughts about myself. As soon as I've read your comment my brain has said 'see, you're doing it wrong'
I have noticed I'm getting better at feeling anxiety, I say out loud what my body feels like as I'm feeling it, the pain I find a lot tougher to sit with.
The main feeling I find myself having is frustration, I know that when I feel it I get more frustrated with myself so that's one I definitely need to learn to sit with and just allow myself to feel.

 

[NewBeginning]

I'm forever batting away my automatic negative thoughts about myself

You've got a wonderful start to this by being aware of your automatic negative thoughts (ANTs ), @GemmaLeanne! Awareness is such a powerful key!

The symptoms I've experienced in the past have changed so much about my life. So it seems my mind feels like it can really dig into lacking compassion for myself. All of this has changed the visible aspects of my appearance considerably and I have become so aware of how completely brutal I have been to myself about this in the past (even before symptoms when I thought I had checked all the boxes in life for what I *should* be doing to be okay, there was always some other thing I needed yet to do, to be).

I glanced and saw my reflection yesterday when I was out and actually enjoying just being able to get groceries and see and talk to people, but the mean thoughts that absolutely flooded in just from glancing at reflection were ridiculous! It was like this cascade and pattern that turned on. And, I *almost* let them just take hold of the day and send into a spiral, but with the awareness that was there, started to question them, and realized, "oh, okay, you're worried you will never be able to experience love and connection again ever in life because of all of this. That's what's beneath this." Okay, now with the awareness I could challenge with evidence right then and there of connection that I'd literally just experienced already that day annnnnd even without love from the outside, if I was worried about being able to experience love, I can love myself... be there for myself instead of abandoning myself, etc. But, without awareness, mind would have been off to the races and the body responding accordingly from the "abuse."

In any case, just wanting to congratulate you on your awareness again. You're noticing more and that right there will help you dramatically with the pattern interrupt. Sending all good thoughts.

 

[GemmaLeanne]

Thank you for pointing that out, awareness definitely is powerful!

I can relate to the changing of appearance and then self criticism that that brings but who taught us we weren't of value just because we don't look 'perfect'

It's really good that you know exactly what feelings are behind your self criticism, that is something I'm still trying to figure out, why do I care that I don't look how I used to. Other people don't care so why should I!