Evening folks, I have just written a journal entry for day 11 that I think will make me feel better posting it - I think it is definitely one of the things I am most angry about both consciously and, inevitably, subconsciously. As always, its fairly broken as I'm sure like a lot of you, I write fast while journalling. I have 'starred' out my swearing When I was 21 years old, my dad left home and left my mum. I feel bitter and angry about this still. There is no way to describe the anger and frustration I feel at the fact that we will never be a proper family again because of the selfish way he acted. I can’t believe him and my mum had been together for 26 years, and then he just decided one day to leave and be with another woman. It’s worse that he had been sleeping with her behind my mums back, and didn’t have the guts to face up to his problems and talk to her. It is so sad to think that if he had been stronger and talked to her, then perhaps they could have worked through their issues and would still be together now. Thinking back to the way I felt at the time, I felt despair. I felt like the world was closing in around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like watching another person’s life from the outside in. This kind of thing doesn’t happen to me. It’s something you hear about happening to other people. I always thought we had a great, happy family that would be together forever. But this one event has impacted too much on me then and over the last few years that I can’t begin to think about how much. There are so many things it has affected. So many things that my dad should have been present for, but wasn’t. My graduation. My brother’s graduation. On my wedding day it was so sad to watch my dad being treated like an outsider. He didn’t look like he fit in. I love my dad so much and it’s a battle going on in my mind all the time between anger and love. I find it f****** annoying that I feel like I can’t and am not supposed to love him as much anymore. All the time the feelings of love I have for him are clouded by the feelings of anger and frustration I have for what he did. I think about wanting to punch him. When I see my mum crying again and feeling like she doesn’t have a life anymore, and feeling like she is alone, I get so angry with him I just want to call him up and tell him. But I don’t because I don’t want to hurt him! What the hell is that all about? He did such a disgusting thing and I don’t want to hurt him? He deserves to be hurt the same way my mum and us have been hurt. But that’s the thing. I can’t be the person to hurt him. I hate being the person to hurt anyone, even if that means speaking the truth or saying what I am really thinking. What a constant battle and undertaking my mind must be having. I won’t let my mind say the things even I think it should be allowed to say! I can remember crying so much at the time – I cried on my wife’s shoulder at the time more times than I can count, because I couldn’t bare the thought that there was now going to be such turmoil in our lives. Seeing my mum fall to pieces and change over the years has been heart breaking, and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I still don’t think I can forgive my dad for what he did. It drives me mad when we go and see him and hear him talking about his new fiancé and her daughters as if they are his own family now. We are his family! It should be us he is spending Christmas and birthdays with. This year he missed Elijah’s first birthday because he didn’t want to cause conflict with my mum. Yeah great. Thanks very much for being so f****** considerate now. The only real reason was that he didn’t want to come without his new woman now and they should be treated as a ‘couple’ now. Well sorry for being so f******* demanding. ArrrrGHGHHG”!!!! But now I can’t cry. Writing this I want to cry and let it out. I want to shout out loud. But more than anything I want to tell my dad what a failure he has been since he left. But I know I never will. I know that I am the better person, and instead I will take care of him and never want to hurt him the way he hurt us.