Hi everyone. I have been battling TMS for over 3 years, and less chronic symptoms much longer. I only understood that's what it is about 2 years ago after reading John Sarno's books. I have worked with Derek Sapico, and he is great. I have had many different symptoms over the years, starting with cervical neck issues causing great pain in the early 2000s, to various IBS issues that come and go, to something called "BFS" or benign fasculation syndrome ("random twitches"), to headaches, to gastritis 3 years ago, to an 8 month stint of depression/anxiety, and now to GERD/IBS which causes me to have asthma-type symptoms. I have been to every doctor possible, including a neurologist, gastroenterologist, pulmonologist, cardiologist, ENT, and primary care doctor. They all come to the conclusion after numerous tests that I suffer from anxiety and that is the cause of most of my problems. However, my gastroenterologist diagnosed me with mild IBS and GERD. After recognizing that I am having trouble breathing at night because of GERD, I realize that TMS is not my friend. It can kill me if I don't fix it. Silent reflux can cause damage to my esophagus and I could stop breathing at night. My TMS is relentless.
I am tired of looking for some deep down emotional pain that I need to release. I really don't think that is the cause of my TMS, as I have explored all of that in therapy, journaling, exercises in "Unlearn Your Pain" from Howard Shubiner, etc., etc. I realize that my childhood wasn't great and my parents/childhood have caused my protective/fearful/perfectionist personality and thus my TMS. I have released or at least uncovered my anger toward them for the way they raised me. But that hasn't stopped my symptoms. They just move around ("the symptom imperative").
I recognize that at this point my brain is having me focus on GERD/IBS because it is the most concerning to me medically. I recognize that it is not safe. All of the other benign issues I have been able to get over using Sarno's/Derek's techniques of not fearing them and facing them head on. But GERD/IBS is not one of those things. I don't think it is a good strategy to go eat 2 double cheeseburgers to prove to my body I am not fearful of this (although I have done that and it has ZERO impact on my stomach or GERD--which proves this is TMS). What I eat has no impact whatsoever on how my stomach feels or if I wake up with wheezing. However, I think part of TMS treatment is treating your body and mind with love, which means trying to eat better, not pushing my stomach to prove it is healthy. That being said, my problem-solving personality is making me go all out to heal my stomach, which is what TMS wants me to do--center my entire life around my symptoms. So for the last month I have begun taking a PPI, started eating super healthy, juicing cabbage and potato juice (they supposedly heal the stomach lining), reading internet sites on GERD/indigestion solutions, never taking a sip of alcohol or soda, eating lots of fiber, and yesterday I bought probiotics and yogurt. That hasn't really helped much. I realize that is also not the solution to this issue to become neurotic about my stomach.
I have reached the point now where I recognize my ego is the problem. My ego has always been trying to protect me from harm, but now it has become a monster. My ego thinks it is the reason for all of my success in life. My ego is out of control. It has even go as far as to start getting mad and yelling at God for allowing this. Telling God "you don't know what you are doing--you can fix me anytime but you must hate me because you are just sitting there watching me suffer." I realize now that my true self has become separated from my ego. My ego is in control. My ego is selfish, perfectionist, and controlling. It does not want to let go. I think once I get to the point where I do not listen to my ego anymore, it will lose its power. I am starting to seriously begin mindfulness practices like a daily body scan, meditation, and I think I need to start yoga. I need to marginalize my ego or it will destroy me. I need to reconnect with my true self and get rid of this fake controlling monster. It's hard though. It's like I am in a fight with my own self. But I think that is the key to me feeling better again physically.
Anyway, I will write a success story one day once I figure all of this out. I just felt like posting on here to share my story and let everyone know that TMS is real and most likely there is nothing really wrong with you if you are reading this board. There is a lot more going on beneath the surface than you understand.
I am tired of looking for some deep down emotional pain that I need to release. I really don't think that is the cause of my TMS, as I have explored all of that in therapy, journaling, exercises in "Unlearn Your Pain" from Howard Shubiner, etc., etc. I realize that my childhood wasn't great and my parents/childhood have caused my protective/fearful/perfectionist personality and thus my TMS. I have released or at least uncovered my anger toward them for the way they raised me. But that hasn't stopped my symptoms. They just move around ("the symptom imperative").
I recognize that at this point my brain is having me focus on GERD/IBS because it is the most concerning to me medically. I recognize that it is not safe. All of the other benign issues I have been able to get over using Sarno's/Derek's techniques of not fearing them and facing them head on. But GERD/IBS is not one of those things. I don't think it is a good strategy to go eat 2 double cheeseburgers to prove to my body I am not fearful of this (although I have done that and it has ZERO impact on my stomach or GERD--which proves this is TMS). What I eat has no impact whatsoever on how my stomach feels or if I wake up with wheezing. However, I think part of TMS treatment is treating your body and mind with love, which means trying to eat better, not pushing my stomach to prove it is healthy. That being said, my problem-solving personality is making me go all out to heal my stomach, which is what TMS wants me to do--center my entire life around my symptoms. So for the last month I have begun taking a PPI, started eating super healthy, juicing cabbage and potato juice (they supposedly heal the stomach lining), reading internet sites on GERD/indigestion solutions, never taking a sip of alcohol or soda, eating lots of fiber, and yesterday I bought probiotics and yogurt. That hasn't really helped much. I realize that is also not the solution to this issue to become neurotic about my stomach.
I have reached the point now where I recognize my ego is the problem. My ego has always been trying to protect me from harm, but now it has become a monster. My ego thinks it is the reason for all of my success in life. My ego is out of control. It has even go as far as to start getting mad and yelling at God for allowing this. Telling God "you don't know what you are doing--you can fix me anytime but you must hate me because you are just sitting there watching me suffer." I realize now that my true self has become separated from my ego. My ego is in control. My ego is selfish, perfectionist, and controlling. It does not want to let go. I think once I get to the point where I do not listen to my ego anymore, it will lose its power. I am starting to seriously begin mindfulness practices like a daily body scan, meditation, and I think I need to start yoga. I need to marginalize my ego or it will destroy me. I need to reconnect with my true self and get rid of this fake controlling monster. It's hard though. It's like I am in a fight with my own self. But I think that is the key to me feeling better again physically.
Anyway, I will write a success story one day once I figure all of this out. I just felt like posting on here to share my story and let everyone know that TMS is real and most likely there is nothing really wrong with you if you are reading this board. There is a lot more going on beneath the surface than you understand.
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I went to the hospital once for what I thought was a heart attack, and my BFS of course then erupted in my chest, so I assumed that was part of a heart attack. I literally remember sitting in my hospital bed thinking my heart itself was twitching. But it wasn't as usual. It was just the nerves in my chest wall. My heart was perfectly fine. The ER discharged me 2 days later without the cardiologist even coming by to see me, because nothing was wrong.
