Drawing makes me so mad

[Mani]

I'm so bad at just learning how to do things by myself. Drawing just does not click for me. I'm trying to draw these rectangular stick figures but i just cant seem to force a direction, it just doesnt happen.

I've started sketching because i wanted to try wood carving. I was talking to a guy online and he told me that drawing is the basis of art and that itd be a good start. I agreed and started.

I recognize TMS personality here. Feeling incompetent is killing. I don't enjoy this because I can't draw what i want to. I've always found it frustrating to not be able to do something.

Just something simple as being able to draw a cup in perspective and then change the perspective -- so the entire glass changes shape -- doesnt come natural at all. Its a feeling I hate so much. I find it interesting though: how would i stop getting frustrated with myself? And, is it wise to spend doing something I hate? I feel my entire core raging at myself

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Its a feeling I hate so much. I find it interesting though: how would i stop getting frustrated with myself? And, is it wise to spend doing something I hate? I feel my entire core raging at myself

I feel like it would be much more therapeutic to examine where the hate and rage really come from. You know I think you're doing great work, but it's this deeply repressed rage that you must be willing to examine at some point. It will require great courage and brutal self-honesty.

 

[BloodMoon]

And, is it wise to spend doing something I hate? I feel my entire core raging at myself

I see that he was well-meaning with his suggestion, but your core fancied doing some wood carving and instead of 'going with the flow' of what you wanted to do, the advice to learn to draw effectively took the joy out of it and made it into a chore... Perhaps start small with a wood carving kit with instructions just to help you learn how to do it and to get the feel of it (with no expectation of perfection)... and progress from there if you like it. There are probably some videos on YouTube that might help get you started. Play with it, enjoy it; that's what art and crafts are all about!

 

[Mani]

I feel like it would be much more therapeutic to examine where the hate and rage really come from. You know I think you're doing great work, but it's this deeply repressed rage that you must be willing to examine at some point. It will require great courage and brutal self-honesty.

You mean some more journaling? I appreciate the journaling as a tool, I just dont see it causing this giant relief of symptoms.

I think if I journaled about this (i will tomorrow), id start something along the lines of: 'I hate feeling incompetent it makes me scared.'

 

[Mani]

I see that he was well meaning, but your core fancied doing some wood carving but instead of going with the flow of what you wanted to do, the advice to learn to draw effectively took the joy out of it and made it into a chore... Perhaps start small with a wood carving kit with instructions to help you learn how to do it and get the feel of it, and progress from there if you like it.

But its not the drawing itself that I hate but the 'feeling lost' and wanting to throw my notebook through the roof.

This would also happen with woodcarving. I think: 'I want to woodcarve'. Then I start and I really do try but i notice that i suck -- obv -- and then i get frustrated.

I just did some drawing again and when im satisfied with the result i do find it satisfying. I have these unrealistic standards that i cant live up to and it makes me feel worthless.

I played guitar for 8 years from like 5 to 13 yo and i tried picking it up two years ago again and it just instantly made me wanna smash my guitar. I enjoy results and when I dont immediately accomplish something or feel like I'm improving, i just feel so helpless.

I was -- and kind of am -- really talented at football/soccer and when i shoot the ball the ball goes where i want it to. I can just express myself with the ball; me and the ball are one, we want the same thing.

I dont even hate losing; I'm a good loser I just hate feeling incompetent.

I hope @JanAtheCPA reads this cuz there is definitely a lesson in all of this but I'm not sure how id trigger the right things to really soothe this defense mechanism

 

[JanAtheCPA]

start something along the lines of: 'I hate feeling incompetent it makes me scared

Yah, and then keep asking why/what/how/when/where.
Why does incompetency make you feel scared? What's the worst that could happen by being incompetent?
Where does this fear of incompetency come from?
When do you first remember coming across this idea of incompetency being scary - or, probably, of being unacceptable which leads to scary consequences?

It's often described as peeling away the many layers of an onion. You might reach a layer that makes you reeeally uncomfortable. You can back off, but make a written note about where you stopped, and go back to it with emotional preparation. This is the courage and honesty part.

 

[BloodMoon]

I’ve been thinking about your frustration with drawing/guitar/etc., and I reckon a game-changer would be to show your "lizard brain" it’s totally okay to mess up—by purposely screwing things up. Your lizard brain flips out at beginner stumbles because it reads them as emotional danger, blasting rage to protect you. Deliberate flops prove it’s safe.

Suggest you try this:

For 3 minutes draw and intentionally make it awful—smudgy nonsense lines—while grinning and saying to yourself (if you can't say it out loud), "This is me choosing mess; no threat here." If rage bubbles, pause: Ask your body, "What fear are you guarding?" (e.g., "I’m scared I’m worthless"). Voice it to yourself ("I feel exposed!"), shake out your arms/legs. Finish with a neck roll or shoulder shrug + saying to yourself "Messing up is safe and even fun now" (x3).

Make this a daily micro-habit by doing it at the same time each day, perhaps right after breakfast or before bed. Your nervous system will start to rewire itself, associating incompetence with growth rather than danger. The rage will begin to fade, and you'll unlock that natural flow in new skills or regain it in old skills, just like you have with football.

 

[Mani]

I’ve been thinking about your frustration with drawing/guitar/etc., and I reckon a game-changer would be to show your "lizard brain" it’s totally okay to mess up—by purposely screwing things up. Your lizard brain flips out at beginner stumbles because it reads them as emotional danger, blasting rage to protect you. Deliberate flops prove it’s safe.

Suggest you try this:

For 3 minutes draw and intentionally make it awful—smudgy nonsense lines—while grinning and saying to yourself (if you can't say it out loud), "This is me choosing mess; no threat here." If rage bubbles, pause: Ask your body, "What fear are you guarding?" (e.g., "I’m scared I’m worthless"). Voice it to yourself ("I feel exposed!"), shake out your arms/legs. Finish with a neck roll or shoulder shrug + saying to yourself "Messing up is safe and even fun now" (x3).

Make this a daily micro-habit by doing it at the same time each day, perhaps right after breakfast or before bed. Your nervous system will start to rewire itself, associating incompetence with growth rather than danger. The rage will begin to fade, and you'll unlock that natural flow in new skills or regain it in old skills, just like you have with football.

Interesting idea this. I'll definitely be trying it, although i dont need to 'try to fail' to be awful in my eyes, my poor drawing makes sure of it.

I have gotten a lot better though in a week. Getting better at something is defo something im addicted to. I just drew this face and i was like: wow thats actually alright. Then i did cubes from different angles and that was very much not alright

I'm striving for perfection. When i cant visualize the right thing I get a little anxious. I feel like I'll never get it. I have always been quite cognitively gifted, so I probably wasnt exposed to enough failure from the get go.

Then again, in my own eyes I failed plenty, I didnt never lived up to my own standards. This is just quite complicated, I'll write about it tonight.

I love that youre still helping me

 

[Ellen]

I used to have this book called Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. It was designed to teach drawing to people who think they can't draw. One of the exercises is to draw an object or photo upside down. It forces you to draw with the right side of your brain instead of the left side, because what you're looking at doesn't make any sense to your logical brain. The results are amazing. Sort of a long the lines of what @BloodMoon is recommending.

 

[BloodMoon]

although i dont need to 'try to fail' to be awful in my eyes, my poor drawing makes sure of it.

The whole point of that micro-habit suggestion is to aim to fail or better expressed I think would be to say to put yourself in the position of failure being acceptable... Even if you'd nailed those boxes to your satisfaction, next time you draw them—or hit other shapes—do it with total abandon... For example, if you're supposed to use a ruler, go freehand instead (and only a few like Giotto ever drew a perfect circle freehand—so no biggie when you draw a circle and it looks like an egg or whatever). And what else I think could be good for you is something with no end result to step back from and either admire or trash—just pure process, like free doodling patterns or kneading clay: pull and mould shapes from the slab with your hands and then push them back in. (That's why many like gardening, even a window box—you enter the process, plant seeds etc., then nature handles the rest, and you wait without instant self-trashing.) @Ellen’s great suggestion reminded me that there's also a book called 'Making Marks' by Elaine Clayton—which is all about intuitive mark-making with zero pressure for 'good' art; pure joy in the mess.