Doing the emotional work but feel totally out of control and lost

[Patty Cakes]

Patty Cakes, it's OK to have two or several emotions at once, and it's perfectly OK to have emotions that represent two ends of the spectrum. I love that you have fully admitted that you don't want to be his caretaker.

Nichole Sachs (TMS therapist/author) has a story about feeling two emotions, especially toward someone vulnerable. She was disliking a family member intensely because they trigger her people pleasing and goodism and were very judgy to her (and that triggered self-judgement). When having to face that person, it struck her that she also felt some famillial love, some connection and at the same time was angry - and that it was totally fine to have the two emotions together. The same thing happened when she wrote her first journal entry that she both hated and loved her children at the same time. She knew she didn't really hate the children - she hated some parts of her live surrounding them: the isolation when they were small, the feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a changing relationship with her spouse, a change in her identity etc. The lack of control, the unknown etc.
What your deep inner psyche feels is probably not what your rational adult mind feels and that creates a little internal tug. It's perfectly normal.

Thank you for explaining that. I hate having to deal with his messes, his lack of holding himself accountable and always shifting the blame onto me. HE has always frustrated me, always. I'm now setting boundaries, looking at my emotions and hoping with all this hard work, I can find myself, the authentic me and not suffer from pain every day.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Patty Cakes, it's OK to have two or several emotions at once, and it's perfectly OK to have emotions that represent two ends of the spectrum. I love that you have fully admitted that you don't want to be his caretaker.

Nichole Sachs (TMS therapist/author) has a story about feeling two emotions, especially toward someone vulnerable. She was disliking a family member intensely because they trigger her people pleasing and goodism and were very judgy to her (and that triggered self-judgement). When having to face that person, it struck her that she also felt some famillial love, some connection and at the same time was angry - and that it was totally fine to have the two emotions together. The same thing happened when she wrote her first journal entry that she both hated and loved her children at the same time. She knew she didn't really hate the children - she hated some parts of her live surrounding them: the isolation when they were small, the feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a changing relationship with her spouse, a change in her identity etc. The lack of control, the unknown etc.
What your deep inner psyche feels is probably not what your rational adult mind feels and that creates a little internal tug. It's perfectly normal.

Thank you so much. He has always been incredibly difficult to deal with. HE never takes responsibility, just loves to lay the blame at my feet. People who know him, know how difficult he is. Now that he's not well, I find it hard to have sympathy and carry his load. I just can't anymore. I don't and will not be his caretaker. I'm glad to hear that's normal that you can have different emotions about the same person. When I go on some of these caregiver sites, some will say "I'll do anything for him/her" and then there are others like myself who say "I never even got along with him and I resent having to care for him. I"m tired, I'm angry and I don't want to do it".

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Thank you for explaining that. I hate having to deal with his messes, his lack of holding himself accountable and always shifting the blame onto me.

I don't blame you whatsoever for feeling that way, based on what you've said I would feel the same in your situation as I'm sure 99% of people would! No one likes being wrongly blamed and having to take responsibility that isn't truly there's.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I don't blame you whatsoever for feeling that way, based on what you've said I would feel the same in your situation as I'm sure 99% of people would! No one likes being wrongly blamed and having to take responsibility that isn't truly there's.

Thank u for saying that. In doing this difficult work, that is at the root of a great deal of my pain. It's hard seeing and acknowledging that and even typing out these words makes me cry.

 

[BloodMoon]

"When I go on some of these caregiver sites, some will say, “I’ll do anything for him/her.”

And maybe they genuinely mean it. But I sometimes wonder how many people aren't being completely honest with themselves or others because they feel they’re supposed to be the “good guy” — the selfless caregiver, the angel on earth, the paragon of virtue who never feels resentment.

The reality can be very different.

Sometimes the honest truth is:

“I never even got along with him. I resent having to care for him. I’m exhausted, I’m angry and, quite frankly, I don’t want to do this.”

I know those feelings. That was how I felt about my late father. And it didn't help when people who barely knew him criticised me for not doing as much for him as they thought I should.

What they didn't see was everything that my husband and I were dealing with behind the scenes. I had power of attorney for my father, and there was a huge amount of difficult, stressful and time-consuming stuff that other people simply weren't aware of. They also didn't know the side of him that I knew. He could present himself to others as a sweet old man, but that wasn't the whole reality of our relationship.

I know there’s a saying that you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but I don't believe we have to rewrite history just because someone has died. Sometimes telling the truth about what the relationship was actually like is part of making peace with it.

So I think it's good that you're setting boundaries. Perhaps the harder part is working out just how high and/or firm those boundaries need to be, and then having the courage to implement them.

Take your time with it all and, above all, be kind and gentle with yourself. And don't let anyone try to lay a guilt trip on you

 

[Patty Cakes]

And maybe they genuinely mean it. But I sometimes wonder how many people aren't being completely honest with themselves or others because they feel they’re supposed to be the “good guy” — the selfless caregiver, the angel on earth, the paragon of virtue who never feels resentment.

The reality can be very different.

Sometimes the honest truth is:

I those feelings. That was how I felt about my late father. And it didn't help when people who barely knew him criticised me for not doing as much for him as they thought I should.

What they didn't see was everything that my husband and I were dealing with behind the scenes. I had power of attorney for my father, and there was a huge amount of difficult, stressful and time-consuming stuff that other people simply weren't aware of. They also didn't know the side of him that I knew. He could present himself to others as a sweet old man, but that wasn't the whole reality of our relationship.

I know there’s a saying that you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but I don't believe we have to rewrite history just because someone has died. Sometimes telling the truth about what the relationship was actually like is part of making peace with it. The truth really can set you free.

So I think it's good that you're setting boundaries. Perhaps the harder part is working out just how high those boundaries need to be and then implementing them. Take your time with it all and above all be kind and gentle with yourself.

I really needed to hear your words today. This morning has been incredibly difficult, even though it didn't have to be. The truth of my relationship with him has been incredibly difficult, caused me so much pain, much of which I kept buried or just dealt with, the best I could. Looking at the truth has been very painful for me. Throughout this difficult morning with him, a line from "A Star is born" kept running through my mind "You can trash your life, but you're not trashing mine." Thank you again for sharing your experience. it really helps to know I'm not alone.

 

[BloodMoon]

I really needed to hear your words today. This morning has been incredibly difficult, even though it didn't have to be. The truth of my relationship with him has been incredibly difficult, caused me so much pain, much of which I kept buried or just dealt with, the best I could. Looking at the truth has been very painful for me. Throughout this difficult morning with him, a line from "A Star is born" kept running through my mind "You can trash your life, but you're not trashing mine." Thank you again for sharing your experience. it really helps to know I'm not alone.

I edited my posting a little bit... mainly to add not to let anyone try to lay a guilt trip on you. The guilt I felt about having to set boundaries with my father was a difficult thing. You know there's absolutely no reason to feel guilty, but you find yourself going down that path because you wish things had been better. But you are not responsible for the situation - remember that!

 

[Patty Cakes]

I edited my posting a little bit... mainly to add not to let anyone try to lay a guilt trip on you. The guilt I felt about having to set boundaries with my father was a difficult thing. You know there's absolutely no reason to feel guilty, but you find yourself going down that path because you wish things had been better. But you are not responsible for the situation - remember that!

I edited my posting a little bit... mainly to add not to let anyone try to lay a guilt trip on you. The guilt I felt about having to set boundaries with my father was a difficult thing. You know there's absolutely no reason to feel guilty, but you find yourself going down that path because you wish things had been better. But you are not responsible for the situation -

 

[Patty Cakes]

Thanks! He tried earlier today and I held my ground.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Thank u for saying that. In doing this difficult work, that is at the root of a great deal of my pain. It's hard seeing and acknowledging that and even typing out these words makes me cry.

You're doing the really hard work yet it's the most rewarding at the end of the day - you should be very proud!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I know those feelings. That was how I felt about my late father. And it didn't help when people who barely knew him criticised me for not doing as much for him as they thought I should.

I would say too - and I don't think I'd be the only one because I think it's because human beings can relate - but I actually respect someone more for this honesty, and would think no less of someone compared to if they said something like "I'll do anything for them". I would think that is nice but I'd be skeptical - because to me I'd be a bit more miffed and suspicious if someone claimed that they never felt burdened by it.

Also, for anyone else to judge someone's family relationships is just ridiculous and ignorant - even if I knew someone really well and thought they were amazing - I wouldn't have a comment if one of their family member's had a different view of them, because it's a completely different relationship/environment (and people can act very differently in different settings - I think we've all seen that with family members).

 

[Patty Cakes]

I'm having a lot of pain today. I'm setting boundaries with my husband for the last few days he has been home. I called the rehab yesterday, to see when we would be getting at home care for him. I had to call 911 last night because he has a severe foot wound and bandages haven't been changed, due to no nurse coming. The social worker said yesterday that she was working on it and would call me later. She never called me back, even after I called her twice. Today I am in such bad pain, all over. I started journaling earlier today and realized that my deepest wound is not being listened to and being ignored, just like I was as a young child, when i was teased horribly by my father. Jeff (my husband) brings to light the same feelings of being unheard, misunderstood, ignored. Could my feeling of being ignored by the rehab (despite their promises to call me) and my follow up call, have brought those deep wounds back to me and thus my terrible pain today?? I can feel it in my lower and mid back, which is unusual for me. Ever since I've done this emotional work, I have mid back pain. I've been crying a bit, since I began writing about this all in my journal. Being unheard and ignored is my biggest trigger, my biggest wound that I have. PErhaps there's more but this hearts to my very core.

 

[Cactusflower]

Patty Cakes, you are doing a great job of discovering the things that create your tension. You already know the answer to your questions.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Patty Cakes, you are doing a great job of discovering the things that create your tension. You already know the answer to your questions.

But yet the pain persists and sometimes it's even worse than it was.