Doing the emotional work but feel totally out of control and lost

[Patty Cakes]

Patty Cakes, it's OK to have two or several emotions at once, and it's perfectly OK to have emotions that represent two ends of the spectrum. I love that you have fully admitted that you don't want to be his caretaker.

Nichole Sachs (TMS therapist/author) has a story about feeling two emotions, especially toward someone vulnerable. She was disliking a family member intensely because they trigger her people pleasing and goodism and were very judgy to her (and that triggered self-judgement). When having to face that person, it struck her that she also felt some famillial love, some connection and at the same time was angry - and that it was totally fine to have the two emotions together. The same thing happened when she wrote her first journal entry that she both hated and loved her children at the same time. She knew she didn't really hate the children - she hated some parts of her live surrounding them: the isolation when they were small, the feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a changing relationship with her spouse, a change in her identity etc. The lack of control, the unknown etc.
What your deep inner psyche feels is probably not what your rational adult mind feels and that creates a little internal tug. It's perfectly normal.

Thank you for explaining that. I hate having to deal with his messes, his lack of holding himself accountable and always shifting the blame onto me. HE has always frustrated me, always. I'm now setting boundaries, looking at my emotions and hoping with all this hard work, I can find myself, the authentic me and not suffer from pain every day.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Patty Cakes, it's OK to have two or several emotions at once, and it's perfectly OK to have emotions that represent two ends of the spectrum. I love that you have fully admitted that you don't want to be his caretaker.

Nichole Sachs (TMS therapist/author) has a story about feeling two emotions, especially toward someone vulnerable. She was disliking a family member intensely because they trigger her people pleasing and goodism and were very judgy to her (and that triggered self-judgement). When having to face that person, it struck her that she also felt some famillial love, some connection and at the same time was angry - and that it was totally fine to have the two emotions together. The same thing happened when she wrote her first journal entry that she both hated and loved her children at the same time. She knew she didn't really hate the children - she hated some parts of her live surrounding them: the isolation when they were small, the feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a changing relationship with her spouse, a change in her identity etc. The lack of control, the unknown etc.
What your deep inner psyche feels is probably not what your rational adult mind feels and that creates a little internal tug. It's perfectly normal.

Thank you so much. He has always been incredibly difficult to deal with. HE never takes responsibility, just loves to lay the blame at my feet. People who know him, know how difficult he is. Now that he's not well, I find it hard to have sympathy and carry his load. I just can't anymore. I don't and will not be his caretaker. I'm glad to hear that's normal that you can have different emotions about the same person. When I go on some of these caregiver sites, some will say "I'll do anything for him/her" and then there are others like myself who say "I never even got along with him and I resent having to care for him. I"m tired, I'm angry and I don't want to do it".

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Thank you for explaining that. I hate having to deal with his messes, his lack of holding himself accountable and always shifting the blame onto me.

I don't blame you whatsoever for feeling that way, based on what you've said I would feel the same in your situation as I'm sure 99% of people would! No one likes being wrongly blamed and having to take responsibility that isn't truly there's.