Doing it all alone?

[NewBeginning]

Curious if there are others who have been dealing with TMS, who live alone/ don't have partner or children / support nearby / don't work or work from home, etc?

Have always cherished and valued my independence - always loved doing most things alone and preferred it actually. Always loved working from home too.
Now, life feels much more.... isolated and often adds to the fear to be trying to manage it all completely alone, especially when there are symptoms that make it more challenging to leave home. It's not that I even want someone to be around all the time... I'm not sure exactly what it is, it just feels like A LOT to add on to everything else.

(Have considered moving back to my hometown, but that comes with so many deep intense and difficult emotions and feels a little like giving up... but maybe it is for the best?)

In any case, was just curious about others' experiences.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Interesting question! I certainly have always done this work on my own, which might help explain why the forum has been a constant for me - for 14 years this September.

My husband and I separated in the spring of 2009, right after tax season had ended. As I realized two years later while doing the SEP, I'd had mild TMS symptoms off and on all my life, but they were quite manageable all those decades, and we're always explainable as anxiety (about which I did nothing, ahem).

Another realization as I looked back is that my symptoms were gradually getting worse as I approached age 60. That birthday happened in the spring of 2011, when multiple symptoms, old and new, started coming together in a crisis that almost led to me becoming housebound that summer. I discovered Dr Sarno and then this forum just in time, in September.

I had people in my life who assumed I was distressed about the divorce, but the truth is, it had actually been a relief to both of us, and I was pretty happy being single again (we had both been single until our mid/late-thirties). I realized later that my unhappiness in the marriage also provided an excellent Sarno-style distraction against what was really going on, which was fear and rage about approaching old age. Without the marriage distraction, my TMS brain had no alternative but to throw a whole bunch of physical symptoms at me.

All of which is in response not just to your original curiosity about doing the work, but also your further reflection about isolation. I have some further reflection of my own - see how they land for you.

Life as we know it looks a LOT different in 2025 than in 2011, and I think that it is in fact more isolated and more isolating. I had a lot of TMS success for several years after 2011, although I suffered two devastating personal losses in 2012 then lost my 93-year-old mother in 2014, who lived a very good and obviously long (and quite healthy) life - but you know, roots and all that. She was the last of that generation who was left and now it's just me and two surviving siblings (my favorite youngest brother died before he reached 60), and none of us had kids.
So isolation was already rearing its ugly head when I was only 63, and from my point of view the world started getting pretty ugly a couple of years later, and in the spring of 2020 I had a concurrent series of outside stressors on top of the pandemic which led me to a diagnosis of sudden onset rheumatoid arthritis at age 69. I consulted with Dr David Schecter, hoping I could treat it as TMS, and he said no, I had to follow medical orders, but that he strongly recommended therapy. So late in life I found a TMS-trained LCSW who could do out of state "coaching", and since the world has pretty much continued to go downhill since then, I'm still seeing her every two weeks, for the sake of my equanimity.

So in that sense, and in further response to your original question, I'm no longer navigating the work in isolation.

Your supposition about moving back to your hometown - for whatever reason or for whatever individuals are there? - leads me to raise a question for you, which is: depending on the relationships and the nature of the possible distractions related to those relationships, would this really offer the best environment for your recovery?

A question to ponder, as per the SEP! And a long reply to your very interesting question!

 

[NewBeginning]

Thanks so much for your response, @JanAtheCPA!

I really appreciated reading it. Although the specific circumstances are different, it is all so relatable. So many of the themes and aspects are very similar. I'm so glad you found the forum at just the right time and were able to find a therapist that continues to be a great resource for you. AND, wonderful that you are continuing to offer so much kind support to all of us through this forum!

In re: to the consideration about moving back to hometown, it would primarily be to have more people around essentially. All of my family - extended and all - live within about a 25 mile radius of each other - no one really ever tends to leave there. I tried going back once before and experienced such significant depression that I left after 4 months. I'm not sure if just having people around would help as much as I think anyway given that most family members already feel as though their own "wells are dry"/dealing with their own issues, etc. and I might fall right back into focusing solely on them and helping instead of own recovery. BUT, I guess I sometimes also think maybe that is the environment to finally heal all those old issues, to literally go straight back into it. Hmmm. I don't know... Thanks for bringing this up as a questions to ponder - I appreciate it and will continue exploring further.

Thank you again for sharing your story and your thoughts. Have a great evening!

 

[Diana-M]

I tried going back once before and experienced such significant depression that I left after 4 months. I'm not sure if just having people around would help as much as I think anyway given that most family members already feel as though their own "wells are dry"/dealing with their own issues, etc. and I might fall right back into focusing solely on them

Yikes, 3 reasons right here that YOU already know of why going back could hurt you. Maybe you should believe what you already know?

 

[NewBeginning]

Yikes, 3 reasons right here that YOU already know of why going back could hurt you. Maybe you should believe what you already know?

Thanks, @Diana-M! Yeah, that makes sense. It definitely doesn't seem like the right move, but being consistently alone and trying to do it all... I don't know. Wish there were other clear options that would help. Maybe once things start to get rolling in the right direction, I'll be able to do more anyway - go more places and maybe even be around others more frequently which might help with the feeling of not having support. And thennn I could even possibly go back to the area and just visit (haven't been back for nearly 10 years).

 

[Baseball65]

Being alone has nothing to do with feeling supported the way having money has nothing to do with feeling wealthy.

Most of the great things in this world were done by people alone. Oh they might have had a cast of characters, but they ultimately relied on something greeter than themselves and it wasn't another person.

From a healed perspective, I would suggest someone to do this alone than depend on others....that might cause a placebo like Sarno's original PT workers. It's also hard to get any perspective when the source of the rage is still in the room...and anybody who is close to you, will be on that list.

 

[Diana-M]

Thanks, @Diana-M! Yeah, that makes sense. It definitely doesn't seem like the right move, but being consistently alone and trying to do it all... I don't know. Wish there were other clear options that would help. Maybe once things start to get rolling in the right direction, I'll be able to do more anyway - go more places and maybe even be around others more frequently which might help with the feeling of not having support. And thennn I could even possibly go back to the area and just visit (haven't been back for nearly 10 years).

Maybe you could hire one of those home helpers for an hour or two a week to help you with things that you can’t do yourself? Or, you could join some kind of a faith community— they usually have all sorts of people who like to help. I know there’s this organization called “seniors helping seniors.” I don’t know if it’s for free or if you pay…

I come from a hometown situation that sounds similar to yours— all of the family lives there. Nobody leaves. I haven’t been back in more than 10 years. I like to call my hometown Ground Zero. It’s just too toxic to be around. I used to feel guilty about it but now I know that my sanity and welfare depends on staying away.

 

[NewBeginning]

Being alone has nothing to do with feeling supported the way having money has nothing to do with feeling wealthy.

Oh how true this is... I get it. I know this. I realize it intuitively.
Deep down I'm clear there is no correlation. I have seen it first hand over and over again. Yet...
I guess the void within is that the profound innate desire to have care in one's life.
Not someone that HAS to "care" or feels forced, but does, because they just authentically do.

AND, absolutely right on, just because there is a physical being(s) present, like I would be near in my hometown, doesn't have anything to do with whether they actually care.

So, at the end of the day in the healing journey, I guess it really is about learning to provide that care for oneself....? some how, some way.

 

[NewBeginning]

I used to feel guilty about it but now I know that my sanity and welfare depends on staying away.

I get it totally.
For most of these years, I've actually been pretty okay about not going back as it was just so hard to be there and it wasn't doing anyone any good.
At this point though, my parents are getting older and that brings a whole new onslaught of variables/emotions to the picture. I definitely want to do things out of love rather than fear... it's just deciphering what is actually the most loving thing to do... even re: myself.
Ohhhh, life

 

[Cactusflower]

“So, at the end of the day in the healing journey, I guess it really is about learning to provide that care for oneself....? some how, some way.”

YES!

You claim or reclaim your own inner power. Somewhere along the line you were taught to be reliant on others so you could measure your own worth. These days we aren’t taught that we are intrinsically worthwhile for simply existing. Every living entity is worthwhile, part of this universe and your life has touched others lives positively in some way (or it will).

 

[Thomas M. Shields]

Alone indeed. I'm living in a foreign country. I haven't seen my family for over 3 years because I cannot face boarding another plane, at least for now. My univeristy told me they'd fire me if I take anymore sick leave, which has upped the stakes to put it mildly. Losing my job would mean losing my right to stay here. They'd probably have to throw me onto the plane half conscious, since my anxiety leads to respiratory alkalosis (amazed I don't see those two words more).

On the plus side, I have a long summer break coming up and plan to spend the time building a machine - a mind and body so strong, I'll be able to fly home at Xmas just by flapping my arms.

 

[berlinale]

I also live alone with no partner/children/family nearby and worked from home for quite some time until i started a new project which requires me to travel to another town for 2-3 days per week. I can absolutely relate with what you are saying about having always cherished and valued independence but now feeling more isolated. I think this is quite normal as the symptoms are often making me stay home and "avoid" social contacts. Moving back to your family is a huge step. Have you thought about altenerative ways to "increase" social interactions and get out your isolation?

 

[NewBeginning]

Thanks for sharing your experience, @Thomas M. Shields
And, I can totally relate to this at this point...

They'd probably have to throw me onto the plane half conscious

BUT, I believe we can and will move through this and build that strong mind and body you mention - day by day!
Sending support to you on the journey!

PS> Have you already started the SEP?

 

[NewBeginning]

I also live alone with no partner/children/family nearby and worked from home for quite some time until i started a new project which requires me to travel to another town for 2-3 days per week. I can absolutely relate with what you are saying about having always cherished and valued independence but now feeling more isolated. I think this is quite normal as the symptoms are often making me stay home and "avoid" social contacts. Moving back to your family is a huge step. Have you thought about altenerative ways to "increase" social interactions and get out your isolation?

Thanks, @berlinale! I appreciate you sharing your experience.
It's nice to connect with you and know we're not alone in our aloneness (although I wish none of us would have to experience any feelings of isolation).

as the symptoms are often making me stay home and "avoid" social contacts

Yes, this is what is happening to me regarding the symptoms causing me much reluctance to have even some of the basic social interactions that I had before! Although, yes I am certainly continuing to explore connecting more while allowing the symptoms to be there (even though my mind has basically created just the symptoms that continually make it more and more challenging - even something so simple as having a great phone conversation with a friend of a friend recently and then started experiencing a reoccurrence of burning lips/dryness/cracking combined with other that made me start to completely limit talking again! TMS is so creative!)

Looking forward to moving through and beyond all this together! Let me know if anything I can do to offer support on your journey.

 

[Ellen]

I'm not sure if just having people around would help as much as I think anyway

You don't have to be around people to heal your relationship with them. This is done primarily by changing your thoughts about them. It's the psychological issues that need to be addressed to promote recovery from TMS. I'm not advocating for physical isolation, but you don't need to be around the people who may have hurt you in the past to move past that harm.

 

[Thomas M. Shields]

Thanks for sharing your experience, @Thomas M. Shields
And, I can totally relate to this at this point...

BUT, I believe we can and will move through this and build that strong mind and body you mention - day by day!
Sending support to you on the journey!

PS> Have you already started the SEP?

I've been doing my own hotchpotch version of the SEP. I've gathered enough information; just need to implement it.

 

[Booble]

I don't think this work is a team sport.
I think being alone would be an actual plus. It gives you the opportunity to go deep and go a little crazy or take the time you need.
With someone else around it's harder to find alone time to do that.
The last thing you want is to get interrupted when you are full on in the zone pouring your inner stuff out.
I think of that as being like waking up a sleep walking person.
You need to stay inside yourself until ready to ease your way back out.

Note: I'm just speaking for myself. Your mileage may vary.

 

[feduccini]

Well, yes and no. I do live alone in my apartment, but I work in my mother's city, so I stay at her place from monday to friday.
Almost every time I'd get back to my place the symptoms would rise. Now it's better.

Loneliness is an issue for me because of my father, who was a loner himself, and an alcoholic. My parents divorced and he never did anything to reach out to other people. We'd always try to convince him to come live closer, but he'd just say no. He died alone and we just found out 2 days later.

It's not that I even want someone to be around all the time... I'm not sure exactly what it is, it just feels like A LOT to add on to everything else.

There was a thread here somewhere about how the fear of abandonment is rooted in TMS. I think dealing with loneliness is very important, because is something we tend to shove inside. What I do is to lie down and feel the sadness and vulnerability it brings, and not try to cure it. Just let it be there and feel it.

 

[Booble]

Well, yes and no. I do live alone in my apartment, but I work in my mother's city, so I stay at her place from monday to friday.
Almost every time I'd get back to my place the symptoms would rise. Now it's better.

Loneliness is an issue for me because of my father, who was a loner himself, and an alcoholic. My parents divorced and he never did anything to reach out to other people. We'd always try to convince him to come live closer, but he'd just say no. He died alone and we just found out 2 days later.


There was a thread here somewhere about how the fear of abandonment is rooted in TMS. I think dealing with loneliness is very important, because is something we tend to shove inside. What I do is to lie down and feel the sadness and vulnerability it brings, and not try to cure it. Just let it be there and feel it.

That's a good strategy.
Is that your Aussie in your profile pic?
One is never alone with an Aussie nearby.

 

[feduccini]

Is that your Aussie in your profile pic?

It was AI generated. The input was for "border collie" hahaha (there are two here in my mother's place).