Hi Guava, I thought some words from Dr. Sarno might help. Here's what he has to say about sounds from the spine in
Healing Back Pain:
People often report that at the moment of onset they hear some kind of noise, a crack, a snap or a pop. Patients often use the phrase “My back went out.” They are sure that something has broken. In fact, nothing breaks, but the patient will swear that there has been some kind of structural damage. The noise is a mystery. It may be that it is similar to the noise elicited by a manipulation of the spine, which is a kind of “cracking the knuckles” of the joints of the spinal bones. One thing is clear— the noise indicates nothing harmful.
Strange sounds or feelings from your body have an uncanny ability to get underneath one's skin. When I hear a pop like that, it really revs up my anxiety. I mean, the sound itself doesn't directly create pain. But it freaks me out to hear it. It's subtle, but it's almost like I'm afraid that something deeply scary might be going on in my body and that I can't trust it. I get a faint feeling of dread.
Does this happen for you? If so,
this is what you want to focus on.
Think psychological. Try using some of the techniques in Stock Trader's recent post:
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/dealing-with-guilt.2240/
Remember the purpose of all TMS symptoms is, 100%, to keep you focused on your body. So it will be the symptoms that
most scare you that your TMS will select to distract you with. The key is to recognize that you are 100% fine. You've had many scans and I presume your doctors aren't worried, or you would have brought that up. Remember what Dr. Sarno says: "If the purpose of the pain is to make one focus on the body, and through these lectures the patient can be convinced to ignore the bodily symptoms and think about psychological things instead, haven’t we made the pain syndrome useless?"
But even when I am not in any pain I will always have this popping and cracking, and i'll concentrate on it more, and then it will eventually make me sore and bring the pain on again.
That's what it wants. It wants you to concentrate on it.
What I have found is that even if I am feeling a bit better, after a few weeks i'll start to have some doubts, and go completely down hill again, becoming extremely depressed that I will never be where I was again in my life, and that my situation won't change. How do you keep yourself going?
It sounds like you are doing something called catastrophization. It is a well studied behavior, and it is exactly what your TMS wants. It wants to suck you back into the fear cycle. It wants to tie you up in knots. Once the fear reaction is triggered and your amygdala has been primed, it will be almost impossible to keep your focus off of your body. That's what your TMS wants.
Just remember, however, that you absolutely can do this. You are 21 years old and perfectly healthy. You have inner reserves of strength that you haven't begun to tap. It may take time, but you can do it. If what I'm saying rings true at all for you, you should get
Hope and Help For Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. It will help you keep yourself going and catch yourself when you begin to worry. It's classic book and cheap, and it has helped many others overcome their anxiety.
Let us know how you do.