i have some good hours in a month but the rest of the time im unhappy and trying to convince myself all the time i can do this, its like im addicted to trying to convince myself so much im in my head all day saying come on beck you had a pain free hour thats proof, or remember when you walked to the shop and had little pain, oh and this and that but this but that, maybe you need to elax more, maybe i should journal that thing, am i really feeling my emotions properly i dont know !! so my head goes on and on, and yes i try to let them pass and not listen but then im trying to tell them they are wrong all the time too. i feel mental life shouldnt be this hard, when i get up in the morning this battle with my mind starts and i have to be stirct all day or i will create more pain, i mean who gets pain around people!!! its just silly, i have to rewire around people and i start feeling like im doing it then boom im back to no control, i go to shops and get control of places and do great then bam im back again. i have no idea whats going on and i try to soothe and say it doesnt matter just im safe but saying im safe im okay doesnt seem to work anymore. i have a ts therapist intern but over the holidays now i cant see her so im really stuck i just want to be happier for my son, this beautiful little boy has a mum crying all the time and struggles to play with him because shes scared of pain still. if i have a better day i start to think yes i can do this but then the next day or a day lter it flres back and it takes days to overcome and i cant concentrate as everything triggers me. why cant this be easy like people say it is!!