1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
    Dismiss Notice

Do you feel ashamed or guilty about your situation??

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Xara, Aug 22, 2022.

  1. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

    During my tms journey ( neck and back pain, dizziness, instability, anxiety and much more), I have had many insights and made progress in realising and feeling my emotions, made progress generally with my symptoms and my daily routine, but I can't still accept the fact that this happened to me, I feel guilty towards my family, because otherwise I could and would have done more. I feel guilty towards myself because I could do more in my life. I also feel ashamed about the symptoms, trying not to display to others, because I will feel- and I feel many times- "inadequate".
    Does anybody feel the similar way? How are you handling with it? I mean, when daily routine needs your energy and you simply can't, when you cannot do anything to fill your batteries because of daily demands or because something bad happened and triggered you and finally you have to " suspend" to your symptoms and lie on a couch, at the expense of job, giving love to your family etc, is there a recipe?
    Glad I am writing in the forum again
  2. Cap'n Spanky

    Cap'n Spanky Well known member

    I'm glad you're writing in the forum again too; @Xara.

    I've certainly had some of those feelings. And it's important to acknowledge our own truth. Because those feelings are there whether we acknowledge them or not.

    But, but, but.... dwelling on those sorts of thoughts is absolutely NOT helpful. One of the pillars of this program is self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-care and self-love. Once you replace self-criticism with kindness and compassion, your energy to serve others will come back.
    Balsa11 and Xara like this.
  3. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    I have a quote in my tag line from Jon Kabat-Zinn about health being the ability to come to terms with the way things are. I think this is a critical element of recovery. Fighting against reality takes a great deal of energy and causes tension that feeds TMS. Cultivating a sense of acceptance is not easy and I fail at it often, but it is essential in my opinion. It is a part of any mindfulness practice and I encourage you to explore this.
  4. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    I used to feel ashamed, but then two friends told me that they sometimes have feelings about shame to. Then I realized it’s perfectly normal to feel ashamed about some stuff... the most important thing for TMS-ers is to honestly feel it, not just think and ruminate on it. Being ashamed makes my face flush, and I get a weight in my stomach, its a heavy feeling for me. I just focus my mind on that sensation and it passes. I don't play the mind game and guilt out, or worry about the feelings of others. It has been liberating!!
    Balsa11 likes this.
  5. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

    @Cactusflower I have the intuition that besides the shame for the symptoms lies the shame about the feeling itself. Ig someone is ashamed about the feeling towards his/her mother/ siblings etc, because when someone gets angry towards an injustice, almost never feels ashamed, right? I assume it is liberating, I long to feel it, free of all the little prisons we have been put since childhood.
    @Ellen I feel acceptance solves many many problems, it seems many different approaches are based on acceptance (Claire, yoga etc). Though I realize it, it is far too difficult to apply it. I always needed people to accept me, so I can accept myself, in some fields of life.
    @Cap'n Spanky it is a vicious cycle where you think, what would have been happened if I did or didn't do this, have I behaved quite cleverly, could I do something else, am I adequate enough? So, maybe there is some perfectionism behind.
    I overanalyzed it. It is time for applying the theory, the most difficult part!
    Balsa11 and Cap'n Spanky like this.
  6. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    Guilt is a biggy. For isn't it often guilt that got us into this mess in the first place? Guilt that we aren't good enough. Guilt that we might not be perfect. Guilt that we aren't loveable enough. So it stands to reason that we'd also feel guilt for not being as physically strong as we think we should be or guilt for not reaching our potential and on and on and on til we make ourselves crazy.

    I think the antidote to guilt is surrounding yourself with people who understand you and allow you to be you.
    My mother made me feel guilty all the time. Yes, she was part of the problem. Or maybe it was me vis a vis her. Anyway.
    My husband is the opposite. Over the years he's learned to understand me. I can be 100% myself with him. And I never have to feel guilty or ashamed. If I'm going through a rough patch he stays out of my way. He doesn't try to "fix" me. Or question me. He lets me do what I need to do. He picks up the slack if need be. He knows when to let me hide and he knows when to "push" me to make me do something I need/want to do. And he does it all without an ounce of judgment. He somehow, through it all, thinks I'm the best.
    *getting teary eyed thinking about it. I need to go tell him I love and appreciate him.*
    Balsa11 and Xara like this.
  7. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

    :) so nice! And lucky you. May I make the hypothesis you have a loving father?
    You describe the versions of guilt exactly just I feel it!
    And also, it was my husband that made me suspicious that I put too much pressure on me. When I said, dear I feel so bad for not having done this or that due to my situation, he told me, you know, it' s all fine with me, do what you need to feel better. There was not any chance to be treated this way by my mother. She says, get up, you did not do this or that, bla bla bla, insinuating I should have done more and more. Ough, our mothers...
    Ah, it is so difficult to find people who allow you to be you, thus, it is very liberating
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2022
  8. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    You are correct, Xara! How did you know I had a loving father?

    You sound like you have a wonderful husband too.
    It took mine a lot of years to get there but he did.

    My mother -- let's just say a lot of my journaling is around her and things she did and how they made me feel.
    Xara likes this.
  9. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

    It is a common belief that we choose either our mother either our father in a relationship, their special characteristics. So, if your mother is judging... a nourishing father is needed to seek for a nourishing husband.
    It happened to me, too.
    Unfortunately, mothers are charged with all the children stuff duties and more and this creates much pressure and thus bad behaviour. Pity.
    Booble likes this.
  10. westb

    westb Well known member

    That Jon Kabat-Zinn quote and your thoughts about it are very helpful Ellen. Thank you.
    Ellen likes this.
  11. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    Hmm....I actually view it the opposite of this. The pain and symptoms and belief that we have around them are NOT reality. They are not the way things are or have to be.

    You have to believe that this is not your reality and while you don't have to and shouldn't fight against it, you recognize that it's BS. You shouldn't accept that pain or symptoms or anxiety are your reality. They aren't and they don't have to be. Reality is that your body knows how to take care of itself and if we get the emotional muck out, we'll feel better.

    Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying.
    Balsa11 likes this.
  12. GTfan

    GTfan Well known member

    I also feel shame and guilt whenever I get a flare up of TMS or anxiety or whatever. I feel guilty expressing to my girlfriend that I'm having stomach issues or TMS symptoms due to repressed emotions or anxiety. I worry that she will judge me or not understand or worse blame herself.

    I know that is probably not the the truth, as some have said earlier we should not dwell on these feelings. When I have periods of anxiety I struggle to share with others (even those close to me), because I don't want to be seen as weak or weird. It does feel isolating struggling alone, but at least I know I can come here for support from people who understand.

    Anyway, not sure if that completely resonates with you, but I can relate to guilt and shame
  13. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

    Yes, it resonates with me, thank you for the answer.
    During these days I was thinking about this. I assume that behind all these feelings - at least in my occasion - lies the fear of rejection. I am ashamed of revealing a part of myself which is vulnerable or something I suppose it will be criticised/judged.
    Furthermore, I assume behind your phrase " worse blame herself" or my phrase " I don't want to be a burden for him/her" lies the belief we are responsible for whatever people feel. Finally, these are expressions of deep deep loneliness.
    Booble and Balsa11 like this.
  14. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

  15. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    Xara, you have really done a wonderful job parsing out this deep issue. It resonates very deeply with me. I feel those same things. Fear of rejection and fear of revealing and being vulnerable. You have also sparked a lightbulb for me with saying, "the belief that we are responsible for whatever people feel." WOWZA. I've never explored that thought before and yet upon reading that I immediately can feel myself floating back to childhood and my parents constant arguing and me feeling like I had to stop them from fighting and make my mother be nicer to my father. It made no sense. I was the youngest kid. Why would I feel like it was my job to do that when I was just a little child. I wanted everyone to feel happy and felt it was my responsibility to make that happen. (That trait makes me good in my job, but evidently f'd up in every other way.)
    Xara likes this.
  16. Xara

    Xara Peer Supporter

    So glad I can give an insight to someone, when I began searching what is going on with me, I couldn't understand anything about what I was feeling. I was like a blind, like I knew nothing. I don't mean that I can fully understand my feelings now, but I touch it at surface.
    Anyway, even though I knew as a quote that I am not responsible for others' feelings, I did it (and do it) every day, every moment... It is very difficult to change a behaviour that was established in childhood and you feel it as natural as the sun's rise. Here comes the symptoms to remind you: you change or you suffer. We can discuss it thoroughly, because it has many many layers.
    I am very glad to discuss these things with people who can understand me and have felt similar feelings ( another trauma needs to be healed...;))
    Booble likes this.

Share This Page