Do I have to identify the source of my repressed rage in order to heal?

I envy the stories that I read here that go like this: I started journaling and realized that I had all this unresolved anger against <insert father, mother, brother etc> or I did 5 (or 10 or whatever number) sessions with the TMS therapist and realized that I was abused in my marriage ... and my pain immediately went away!

I have been searching for that smoking gun in my past but not to a lot of success. I did feel a bit of improvement after talking to the therapist about my family. But not to the tune of my symptoms disappearing overnight. I tried journaling and did not find myself crying my heart out over childhood stories that used to hurt but not anymore. As I started my Sarno path 7 months ago, I realized that I got so good at repressing my emotions that used to rattle my system quite strongly, that I no longer had any of them left in me - was emotionally as flat as a bicycle tire poked by a big knife. After about 5 months, I started feeling emotions, but on and off, not to a full extent of what it used to be and no outburst that would cure me suddenly.

Not that I am still hoping for an instant miracle. Everything good that came to my life came after many years of trying and hard work, never by a turn of luck - so I think I am OK with this.

But sometimes I wonder whether I am doing everything right. Maybe I should try harder to hit that emotional explosion that would lead to a release of my pains and tensions? I think I am prepared to deal with anxiety and depression - which many people complain replace their physical pain. I would welcome them because I know that it is a sign of recovery, after all, I used to live with depression and anxiety for years and both went away with this last bout of TMS.

Unfortunately, my recovery is very, very gradual, two steps forward - one and a half steps back. Any thoughts, advice?

 

I'm in a similar boat -- except that I stumble upon things randomly. I'll have to do upwards of months of journaling, then I'll hit something particular, and get nearly instantaneous improvements in my pain level. But then I'm stuck at that new level for a really long time. One thing that often helps direct me is re-doing lists.

Re-doing my initial list, updated and exhaustive, seems to be the thing that leads to some of those breakthroughs for me. I just am not sure exactly what on that list is the source, as it's fairly immense. Anyhow, you should give that a try, it worked when I really felt like giving up.

 

Same. I think it's mostly my personality and I'm trying to work on that. I hear you about being envious of those stories. To make us feel better we can think of it using this analogy I remember reading from Caroline Myss. When people ask "What am I going to do with my life? I need a sign!" They are waiting for some big aha moment. But, all along your intuition gives you signals. You have to practice receiving them. It can be a nagging feeling like hey, I need to clean out my closet or go for a walk, or cook a meal etc.
Maybe that's what is happening to us. It's happening in baby steps.

 

Thank you - good advice! I will try that. My experience has been that by trying just about anything and keeping what works, I have been crawling my way through. Good luck to you!

 

Thank you, Ines! I guess our baby steps is our way to recovery :=). Good luck to all of us!

 

In Steve Ozanich's book he says that during the point between waking and sleeping, you may get a clue from your unconscious mind. It's a long shot, I know but worth paying attention to. It happened to me twice. It was actually amazing because I recognized it right away from having read the book.

 

I read Steve's book and tried to reach out, quite a few times. My unconscious mind seems to not want to talk to my conscious mind . Lady Phoenix, how did you get it to talk to you?

 

I was falling asleep watching TV the first time and I started dreaming I was in 4th grade and screaming at my teacher, a nun, for the way she treated me and her students. It was so liberating! The TV woke me up and I did not want to wake up, the dream was so good.

Another time I was barely asleep yet and I dreamed I was fixing a fence outside and as I pulled the fence post, a baby's cup with a picture of a kitten was in the dirt. This cup belonged to Rachel, a baby I lost to SIDS along time ago. This was too painful for me to want to think about but I realized I need to feel the feeling or feel the pain.

I wonder if it has happened since and I don't pay attention. I think you need to make the effort to remember your dream.

 

Hi, Lady Phoenix. Interpreting dreams is not an area of my expertise, but I often think a dream can relate to a problem we need to solve. The dream about the cup may have touched on a need to journal about losing your baby. A loss like that is a tough one to deal with, and I think feeling the pain is okay, but not to dwell on it. Try to live more in the present. That's also not easy, but one of the best ways to heal from pain caused by our emotions.

I wasn't sure what SIDS meant so I looked it up. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Life dealt you a tough blow. I would try to focus on Rachel being in a much happier, healthier world.

 

I think that there is no one-size-fits-all model. it's like any other kind of treatment. some respond quickly, some not. Envy is kind of a tms voice, yhe feeling one hasnt done it right.

 

I find this post by Steve Ozanich on this topic to be helpful:

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/seeking-the-grail.529/#post-3927 (Steven Ozanich - Seeking the Grail)

 

Lady Phoenix, my heart goes out to you for your loss! Your baby Rachel has found peace and she did not suffer - that's the main thing. Thank you so much for sharing such a painful and intimate moment with us!

Love and hugs,

TG

 

Ellen, thank you so much! This is really deep!

 

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