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Do I have to be mean to let go?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by healingfromchronicpain, Sep 20, 2017.

  1. healingfromchronicpain

    healingfromchronicpain Well known member

    I think @Baseball65 said something in a separate thread about giving someone an ear full and feeling bad about it, but not having pain as a result of having expressed his anger (sorry if I'm not paraphrasing accurately).

    This brought to mind something I struggle with. In my 12-year journey, I've known for the past 9.5 yeas that my pain is due to emotions, but I still have not been able to shed all my physical pain. I've spent many hours contemplating what is holding me back. What comes up (among other things) are the emotions associated with having been molested as a child: anger, shame, fear, etc.

    I've written hundreds of thousands of words to help me process this and in doing so I pulled together a memoir. I felt compelled to write it. Almost possessed. But to what end? I tell myself it's to tell my story, in hopes that it could help others struggling--with chronic pain, or surviving incest. I want to give the mindbody connection another voice. I want to bring incest out of the closet.

    But is simply just having written it enough? To have purged all my thoughts; to have pieced together a story I couldn't understand at first. Why do I feel compelled to publish? Do I secretly want to punish my perpetrator? Is it fair of me to do that, even if I can justify other benefits of publishing it? Will finally publishing my memoir be the final step in letting go? When I published my website, I had a layer of pain slough off. Will the memoir take care of the rest? Or will it just cause me more stress about worrying what it would do to others? I'm stuck. (Haha, that's the word I always use about where I am with my chronic pain--I seem to be stuck at this particular point--I'm better than I was [have less pain] but I'm still not all better.)

    But every time I get closer and closer to thinking about publishing it I think of how I might hurt others. I've thought about using a pseudonym, but I still keep coming back to not wanting to have to hide anymore. I held this secret in my body for 32 years and it's a major contributor to my physical pain.

    How do we let go of this stuff (in my case I feel like sharing my story will help me let go) if we are afraid of hurting others? Or if we do act, will the consequences be worse?

    Don't know if I'm making sense, but I currently have my manuscript with an editor and am seriously considering publishing it, but I'm still haunted by the same questions. Should I really do this??

    Just wondering if anyone has something similar to share as I grapple. Thanks in advance!
  2. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    To answer the larger question ..No....and Yes. You need to get to it ...but it's the digging that banishes TMS, not the finding.

    A mistake I made when I had my epiphany with Sarno was "Hey... I'm gonna let everybody know how pissed I am, when they are bugging me, and confront it". I was so concerned about staying aware, I suppressed NOTHING..

    One day I was at work and some guy 'lipped' me a second time. I needed to be physically restrained from attacking him. When I calmed down, the inner common sense part of me knew I needed help so I found a counselour for all this anger.I was a 33 year old married father of two and that vibe wasn't going to be really good for anybody. I worked back in time with the Doc and found that the core of a lot of my rage had to do with my fathers self inflicted death and my mothers 'shutting down' when I was 5.

    However... the knowledge itself in an academic antiseptic doctors office is just that. Knowledge. I had to put it into a lot of private gestalt like therapies by myself. Talking to Him(dad) and Her(mom) OUT LOUD in spite of them no longer being in my life. I raged.. I hit baseballs, I destroyed drywall, broke glass in the LA River...anything to dramatize or act out that was relatively harmless to others but allowed the rage to express itself. I went through a period where I would intentionally get myself in a state and cry. It was extraordinarily effective. I say that because It was like a treatment that had a beginning and end. I no longer need to do that drastic of stuff as maintenance

    You know...now that I think about it , how long you have been pain free is relative in any discussion because the experience isn't homogenous. Definitely needed a shock to the system to knock some stuff loose. Haven't had a relapse in a long minute, but when I have, I knock some stuff loose...idea's,feelings, something tangible..

    In AA we have a fifth step where we read all of that anger stuff (and the part we played) to someone. I have done one huge one and several smaller ones. There is definitely power in sharing that with another human being, but in a case of sexual or family abuse you might have to go get private somewhere and make some noise and break some stuff

    Louise Hay and a lot of others say we can only heal when we forgive.... but sometimes maybe we need to YELL and let it out so we know exactly what we are forgiving them for. It is OK to be PISSED
  3. healingfromchronicpain

    healingfromchronicpain Well known member

    Yes, I've done LOTS of screaming, yelling, kicking, punching, crying ... mostly in my myofascial release sessions, but also on my own, as well as in psychotherapy, tapping (EFT) sessions, EMDR sessions, somatic experiencing sessions, and kickboxing clssses. And I've broken stuff, too. (I've been at this for many years.) But still the pain hangs on.

    And as for forgiving, I feel like I have forgiven. But wonder if it's only at a conscious, intellectual level, and not truly at a subconscious level. Because even though I feel like I have forgiven, why can't I get rid of the rest of the pain? Then I think maybe its other stuff. So I dig there, but still can't get rid of all the pain.

  4. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hmmm.... Than you can try this. My friend came to me the other night. He is having a terrible time getting sober. He has gone to meetings, got a sponsor, and all but locked himself up... tried a thousand things. I remember when I had my Aha! moment with drinking...and pain. I thought to myself "Well... I tried all of those things and none of them worked... in fact there is nothing 'I' can do about the pain (Ego I)....so I needn't waste anymore of my time trying! If something doesn't work, and you honestly gave it a shot, try something...ANYTHING, but you need not practice the failed stuff anymore? You are now free from wasting anymore of your time.

    Truth be told, 'I' didn't make the pain go away. It left when I realized the information at a deep level...that it is just there to distract me. Maybe because I once suffered from OCD I already had the 'knack' of it, but When Sarno compared TMS to OCD it helped me immensely. It's just there to distract me. When I catch my attention drifting towards it, I avert it to some other thing pronto!
    readytoheal likes this.
  5. healingfromchronicpain

    healingfromchronicpain Well known member

    Thank you, I really appreciate your taking the time to respond again. Yes, after I felt like I had tried everything, I decided to stop trying.

    That was back in 2009. And I was actually feeling a lot better. It also coincided with me reading a divided mind (after I had already read the mind-body prescription a couple of years earlier) and I really thought that was it. I didn't really "do" anything, but I was just feeling better and the pain was lifting. I thought within a few more weeks the pain would be gone. I figured my body had finally "got it" and accepted it at the deep level it needed to. The feeling good lasted for what I call my Six Golden Weeks. Then it crept back. And believe me I tried to re-create everything that I thought might have gotten me there, but I couldn't.

    But like you said "I" might not be the one who has to "do" anything. So I go for periods of time of doing nothing, but hoping that it will just sink in. And then when that doesn't work , I go back and try something I haven't tried, or go back to reading, maybe journaling, maybe thinking about the psychological things, this forum.

    The EMDR and somatic experiencing helped me dig some more into some of the deep emotions that still seem to be lingering. But still my pain (TMS) is so stubborn. I try not to think about it, and I really don't think it's at the forefront of my thoughts most of the time. But I guess I am thinking about it more now that I'm being more active on the site, which is just another attempt at trying to do something in between the times where I just sit back and wait for it to sink in.

    I guess besides being compelled to write and publish my story, I've read about people who healed after they shared their stories. Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy? If I've heard that that can help me finally heal, do I believe now that to be true and therefore have to do that? (I think I'm talking in circles now) :)

    I know I tend to overthink things, LOL, so I'll stop thinking at the moment, and just be.

    Thanks for all your insight and input. I really appreciate it.
  6. Aurora

    Aurora Peer Supporter

    I recommend that you look up "Mary Schiller PTSD" on YouTube. She was a victim of domestic abuse and saw at least 20 therapists to try to cure her PTSD unsuccessfully. She found an understanding that finally helped "cure" her. I've found it extremely helpful since I used to struggle with anxiety and depression.

    I also recommend you check out Dr Amy Johnson's blog. She talks about the same thing that Mary talks about.

    Writing a book isn't going to guarantee that you will be healed. You're looking in the wrong direction.
  7. healingfromchronicpain

    healingfromchronicpain Well known member

    @Aurora, thank you for responding. I listened to Mary on YouTube but haven't yet read what she read. I know I have to dig into my stuff and maybe it'll click by reading something else like it did for Mary. But there's still something driving me to want to share my story. I think there is benefit to others suffering in similar ways when we all share our stories. Isn't that what this forum is all about, too? So besides my fear of offending someone, sharing my story about myofascial pain, it's link to trauma and emotional burdens, and exposing yet another case of taboo things like incest, I feel some duty to share my story. Otherwise I feel like my suffering was all in vain. How can I not share if it can maybe help others (at the risk of offending one perpetrator, who I don't really want to offend), but is that the sacrificial lamb that is an unfortunate consequence of telling my story? If we all stay silent, how can we grow as a society?

    These are the questions I grapple with. :)

    Thanks again for responding. I really appreciate your insight.

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