Day 5 Divorce

Instead of putting this in my journal entry, I'm posting it on here, in hopes that it could be of use to somebody at some point in time.

When I was 16 years old, my parents divorced. I was devastated. They had been fighting since I was 14, and my mom kicked my dad out when I was 15. Looking back, it was such a crucial time in my "growing up". These are the formative years when a boy learns how to be a man. I definitely hold some resentment that my family wasn't intact during this time. My sisters were both older than me and much more formed as people. I know it was difficult for them too. I have vivid memories of being woken up at 4 am many mornings as my dad was leaving for work and my mom was getting ready for the day. They fought, not screaming, but that tone of voice where you know they WANT to be screaming. Like when you have to discipline your unruly child in a very public place, but don't want to cause attention. My parents probably assumed they were being quiet enough not to be heard. I could never fall back asleep after those arguments. Not a great way to begin my day. I very much hid my feelings during this time. On the surface, when compared to my other family members, I was dealing with the separation/divorce fairly well. I learned to keep it all in. I became disillusioned with relationships. I remember constantly thinking: I'm never getting married. This all happened during a time in which I should be seeking out my first serious relationships with girls. I stopped doing things that normally interested me: sports, after school activities, hanging out with friends. I was never the most popular kid, but I had a core group of friends that I suddenly didn't want to be around. I didn't tell them about my parents splitting up. I just stopped connecting with people. I would eat my lunch alone, earbuds in, fading out my surroundings. I wasn't getting invited to parties anymore. It was probably the darkest time of my life. I began gaining weight, eating to feel good, and no longer getting exercise through sports. I even developed a stomach ulcer, keeping me out of school for a week. That was almost certainly a TMS equivalent. I got out of this funk at some point during my senior year of high school, thanks in part to my friends and a councilor with whom I met with once a week. I'm not surprised that TMS symptoms came back a few years ago, now in the form of shoulder pain. They say that time heals all wounds. We shall see. I do have a good relationship with my parents today, although the journey has been rocky. That does not heal those past wounds, however. I'm hopeful that simply acknowledging these issues that have been stored deep down will aid me in becoming pain-free.

- Matt

 

1. I am very familiar with your feelings. My parents divorced when I was 7 and it left me with feelings of insecurity and abandonment. I didn't realize how I was repressing those feelings until three years ago when I began having severe back pain. Learning about TMS and Dr. Sarno led me to the SEProgram and journaling. I discovered I was repressing those emotions and also journaled to learn more about my parents. I decided they had TMS too, and that helped me to forgive them. I suggest you journal about why your parents argued and divorced. I think it could help you to forgive them, and that would relieve your pain. You get along now and that's great, but if you haven't yet forgiven them, try to work on that. If you feel you have, you may just have to put it behind you and go on from there. Live in the present, not the past.

 

Ouch, that must have been terrible

This sounds very familiar to me. My parents started fighting some years ago, when I was still in high school. I didn't tell anyone (because I didn't trust anyone enough) so I had to deal all alone with my feelings for 3 or 4 years. Now these feelings seem inaccessible, as if they've been repressed into my toes. I hope to get to these feelings through journaling.
Luckily, just after my dad told he wanted to leave the house (which will be followed by divorce very likely), I met a nice boy with whom I can share all these horrible emotions now. Sometimes this makes me forget that I have repressed many feelings before, which makes me think of other causes for my TMS symptoms. Still, I think these arguments between my parents are the most important cause, but I'm not sure..

I am happy for you to have a good relationship with your parents. However, I wouldn't forget that your internal child in the unconscious may still be furious.