Discombobulated

[Stella]

I feel all discombobulated today. I am having a hard time making my mind flow on anything.I tried writing a letter to the People Pleaser and the person who has to be always Right.

Dear Ms People Pleaser.
I know you watch very closely the facial expressions, body language and words to see if I have pleased you. You can see the disappointment or hear the questioning in my tone of voice which means you didn’t do your job right/correctly. You weren't right and you are disappointing me. When this happens you have this heavy dark cloud that sits in the middle of your forehead. If you are right then I will be happy then you will be happy. If you are wrong I am unhappy with you and you will be devastated.

People Pleaser get out of my mind, I don't care what other people think. I lift myself up with self-confidence. Stop following me around. Get off my back and Get out of my life.

P. S. Mother, if you had only just loved me. I am loveable and likeable. I have endured so much pain all my life because of you. All the things I did trying to get you to love me. Just love me. What can I do to make you love me? Dad, you too. Just tell me what!

No, I have not connected my emotions to my pain. Well, maybe, when I am taking care of my parents my pelvic floor will tie in knots.

 

[Lori]

Hi Sandy. I like your letter. As I was reading it I was asking where does this need to people please come from and perhaps your PS section answers that. How about writing a letter to your parents (you can send or discard). I found it relieving to burn some of the feelings letters I wrote.

I have had some interesting conversations with my dad these past years and I've learned a lot about him. He also told me a lot about his parents and their parents, and it was eye-opening to me and insightful into the behavior of my grandparents. How I now wish I could talk to them and say I'm so sorry you had the life you did and I now understand various things about you better. So the bottom line about parents is they are doing the best they can. And I hope some day my son realizes that about me too! BUT this attitude about our parents and some of our resulting issues takes work, and doesn't happen in one writing session!

Best wishes!

 

[Josina Stresemann]

wow impressive letter.

So you are taking care of your parents in everyday life?

 

[Stella]

Yes, I am taking care of my parents. When I first had the revelation of realizing that not grieving for my baby brother was part of my pain (little did I realize how much more to it was yet to be). I went to my Mother to cry. I wanted her to take that 4 year old girl (now 60) and wrap her in her arms and let me sob, sob, and sob. But my Mother could not do it. Not one tear ran down her eyes. She looked straight ahead. Lightly patted me. I thought "gee, this doesn't feel very good...not like I thought it would." That is when I new, all her life, she has kept us pushed away.

I told her "I could now be fixed". I knew what was wrong. Like I was some type of defective toy from the factory.

Lori, you are right. My Mother had a Father who never wanted to be around her, never wanted to be with her, and never paid any attention to her. Her parents fought all the time. Her Father drank and screwed around with other women. Her Mom and Dad were both cruel. I know she has tremendous pain. She did what she was capable of doing. Then add on top of that the long mournful death of her 14 month old baby boy.

 

[Josina Stresemann]

sad story indeed and it is true that also our parents are just people who make mistakes and are sometimes incapable of doing the right thing. Do your parents know how you feel and what TMS is?

 

[Stella]

I briefly discussed with them The Divided Mind and how I came to realize we never grieved for baby Mikey. I did not know at the time that they both pushed us away. They resented having us around to take care of. We were a bother for the rest of our lives.

I told my Mother about this program. She has not asked me one question. Again I would feel "not good enough" for her to care but I understand more now. It is hard to get that monkey off my back. I now know she is not capable of showing that level of caring or emotion.

 

[tarala]

One day I decided that my criterion for "good enough" for how my parents raised us would be, "did they do a better job than their parents did?" In my case, they may not have done a terrific job, but it sure was better than what they got from their parents. Then I began to apply it to myself. I certainly haven't done a perfect parenting job, but it was a pretty big improvement over the way I was raised!

 

[Stella]

Terry, I laughed when I read your note. Yes, they both did a better job than their parents. Yes they did.

Lori, I am trying to work up the courage to have a dialogue with my Mother with me writing as her. I just don't know if I can handle the pain she felt from loosing that baby boy. I feel like I will break into a million pieces just like she did.