Day 10 Did that happen?

[Rusty Red]

Wednesday was a particularly stressful day for me. I shed a few tears and told my mom I couldn't take much more.

Later I ran to the bathroom while making dinner and glanced in the mirror. Holy hell. My face was broken out in hives (later realized it was eczema), which never happens. I freaked out thinking I had an allergic reaction to something. Then this tiny voice said hmmmmm.... Maybe just maybe your brain got a little irked at the work you have been doing and threw something new your way.

I'm still fighting doubts. Every time I run and get pain or nerve shots in my back, side, or abdomen, I get a little scared and uncertain. But I keep reminding myself if I was structurally damaged I would not be lifting these weights or running these miles. Only fear will stop me, so I have to stop fear.


To ponder today - I hold back the most from my mom. I don't tell her how angry I am that she owes me thousands, or doesn't hold up her end of living here for free, or nags me all the time. I still hold the notion that she's my mom and raised me. That's not to say I haven't cracked a few times but that's the exception. She is a frequent target of my JournalSpeak and I'm trying to get better about telling her if something is bothering me, but I doubt the topics I mentioned will ever come up outside of my daily journaling.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I feel you @Rusty Red - I feel you because I was so incredibly lucky to not go through what you are living with.

You are doing such great work, and I have good news for you: you are at the point in the program when many - if not the majority -of people report that they are experiencing worse symptoms, new symptoms, old symptoms coming back, and, often, increased anxiety. Your poor primitive TMS brain is in a panic, literally terrified because it keeps sensing the stress responses you are experiencing as you uncover the repressed emotions it has tried so hard to repress. The only interpretation of these stress responses that it knows about is that you must be facing down a literal threat to your physical survival - like a sabre-tooth tiger just ahead.

Here's my go-to self-talk for managing these sudden setbacks, which is to thank your survival mechanism for trying to protect you, and assure it that you are safe and it's okay for you to look at these things, and that the symptoms are not necessary.

 

[Rusty Red]

Thank you, @JanAtheCPA. I'm fighting some serious doubts because I've been at the JournalSpeak for almost a month and worry the symptoms shouldn't still be increasing. I posted some about that over in the support forum today. I appreciate your advice!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I've been at the JournalSpeak for almost a month and worry the symptoms shouldn't still be increasing.

Ah, if only.... I can assure you that Nicole Sachs, along with every single one of the TMS experts and resources, will tell you that the common practice of "calendar-watching" is enough to hold you back. Another way to put it is that expectations are anathema to recovery.

A month ain't nothin' - especially if you're dealing with a shitpile of emotional conflicts and resentments and you may not have hit the real depths of the pile yet.

Do you listen to Nicole's podcasts? I recommend them highly - they often feel like individual therapy, especially the "real time heals" and her community Q&A sessions. You can put keywords into the episode search box on her web page at the Podcast menu item. These two recent ones were really excellent:
S4 E9: Authenticity, Attachment, People Pleasing and Codependency with Mark Groves
S4 E7 - Pelvic Pain, JournalSpeak, and Inspiration with Elizabeth Endres
https://www.yourbreakawake.com/podcasts/the-cure-for-chronic-pain-with-nicole-sachs-lcsw-2

 

[Rusty Red]

Do you listen to Nicole's podcasts? I recommend them highly - they often feel like individual therapy, especially the "real time heals" and her community Q&A sessions. You can put keywords into the episode search box on her web page at the Podcast menu item. These two recent ones were really excellent:
S4 E9: Authenticity, Attachment, People Pleasing and Codependency with Mark Groves
S4 E7 - Pelvic Pain, JournalSpeak, and Inspiration with Elizabeth Endres

I do! I listen to them while I'm on the treadmill, actually. I will check those two out. Thank you!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@Rusty Red I'm going to suggest you read and absorb this new post by our @Diana-M https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/mommy-is-killing-me.29301/page-3#post-155140 (Mommy is Killing me.) with an emphasis on relationships and also the book recommendation.

Edit: hah, Diana already recommended this to you on a new thread. Great minds...

 

[Rusty Red]

Thank you both!