Developing Anxiety ... Over the therapeutic process

[Northcompass]

The TLDR: Im having anxious thoughts that sent me into an anxiety attack relating to not knowing wether the therapy Im doing is going "too far". If I can practice altering my thoughts so they can heal me, then that means they're malleable... And then how do I know what's real? These abstract thoughts have caused me a lot of turmoil.

For context... The last 10 months of my life have been incredible! I went from having chronic fatigue, being bed ridden, having anxiety attacks, having IBS to now having a job and rebuilding my life. And I did all that by reading Sarno and following Shubiner's workbook.
I stopped repressing my fears and started releasing the pain and anguish I had towards being neglected by Mom and bullied by my sister (who acted as a surrogate mother) and the heartbreak Ive experienced since my dad developed dementia.
I had a lot of change this year. Like I said I was bed ridden, I was living with my parents, and I had been unemployed for 4 years. Now I'm active, I have a demanding full time job, and I live with my brother. I'm really proud of all of this.

Because I started to do so well I started rebuilding my life in other ways. I'm 29 now and was seriously thinking about dating so I started going out to meetups. I was also thinking about what I wanted to do for my future, which is to become an artist... So I started taking figure drawing, and I'm also working towards submitting my work to studios and publishers. I'm also thinking about moving out on my own...

You can tell from all of this that I'm kind of ambitious... And expect a lot from myself.

Recently my work has been triggering. There have been certain situations that remind me of situations I never really explored before but which made me question if I was a good person.
And just as that happened I started having this irrational anxiety about whether I was going too far with my thoughts... What if I think about the thoughts so much my reality breaks.

I know it's no coincidence that this is unraveling, just as I admitted that I need to uncover this work related trauma...
I know this, I keep telling myself the thoughts are a distraction, that I must be brave like I was in the beginning... But it's still scary

I remember when I first started this journey and I remembered having to rebuild so many of my beliefs. Creating new boundaries was scary then too. But I decided for myself what I needed. Then I proved it was the right thing by slowly getting better.

But right now I'm scared again... I think maybe I'm scared of being "crazy"... Maybe I internalized some shame of the place I was in 10 months ago...
Maybe I'm scared of what comes next ... With career and dating and being on my own... I'm scared of the rejection I'm scared of being independent...
Maybe that's why I'm having so many abstract fears towards the thoughts about my thoughts, I fear the unknown of my own brain like I fear the unknown of the world. But with my own thoughts I have some sort of agency...


This is too rambley, but I want help... I might have thought that getting better meant not being in the place I was 10 months ago... Back then I needed help and I got it ... I guess everyone always needs a little bit of help, even when we get better...
I want to be able to be okay with the unknown, not exert so much effort into controlling the things I can't, and letting things go.

 

[Cactusflower]

An increase of anxiety is a typical TMS symptom for some people. It can be overcome.
Read Claire Weekes - any or all of her books give explicit directions of how deal with these thoughts. Her first lesson is to realize that thoughts are just thoughts and they are not truths. The mind just generates stuff, that's it's job and you don't have to believe everything it says. If we did, we'd all be raving lunatics!
Her books will help you learn not to judge yourself and your thoughts so much, and to turn your attention to things are are more meaningful to your life. They have helped many, many people on this forum.
Another method is "STOP" (I combine the two methods) which can help as well:

The STOP method is a technique that can help with obsessive thoughts and anxiety by teaching you to recognize and replace them:

• Stop: Say "stop" to yourself or out loud. You can also try visualizing a stop sign.
• Notice: Acknowledge the thought without trying to suppress it.
• Replace: Replace the thought with a more helpful one, such as a self-affirmation or mantra. You can also try negating the thought with a statement that starts with "I will not" or "I can not" and then replacing it with a positive statement that starts with "I will" or "I can".

I think you are doing fantastically well. Focus and congratulate yourself on your amazing progress. You can learn to just ignore the internal verbal diarrhea (just as you have done with other symptoms) without forgetting to pay attention to your body and your emotions.

 

[Diana-M]

Maybe I'm scared of what comes next ... With career and dating and being on my own... I'm scared of the rejection I'm scared of being independent...

That definitely sounds like it could cause anyone anxiety. But you are pushing forward! You want a new life, and you are building it! Congratulations on all your hard work. Believe in yourself! You’ve come this far. You can get past all this. Just be gentle with yourself
And give yourself credit for being so brave. I also second what @Cactusflower says about Claire Weekes. Her books are life-changers!