Desperately looking for my lost emotions

Looking back now, I am realizing that about 2 years ago I started losing emotions. They kind of faded away, slowly. Maybe except for fear and disgust. Joy was first gone out the window. Sadness followed. Then surprise. Then anger.

My CRPS started about a year ago, with little tinglings in the right little finger. Chiropractor fixed it. Then, few months later, it came back with one middle finger. And now both my arms are painful, muscles and tendons stiff, I can't tie my shoes, or floss, or handwrite, or drive more than 15 minutes without stopping and resting, and there are many more things I can't do anymore.

Since I started pursuing the TMS route, I have been slowly getting rid of fear of my symptoms and pushing for more activity with my hands. I keep pushing my hands to do more things. But my hands keep pushing back. I win with one activity but then lose another. And it is getting worse.

I feel emotionally flat. Even my night time anxiety lost color. I wake up in the middle of the night and look for emotion behind my anxiety - but I feel nothing. I would trade my stiffness in hands and arms for more pain or feeling angry, sad, anxious or guilty - but I can't get there.

Will I find my emotions? How?

 

Maybe start with something that makes you laugh. Keep looking on YouTube until you find something that makes you laugh out loud. Then, find another one. Get a little joy going. It's mind-boggling how long you can go without laughing when you don't feel good. I started looking for laughs when anxiety kept me up at night.

See if this does anything:

 

I agree with MWsun. When I'm at my lowest, I make a conscious effort to list the things for which i'm most grateful. Sometimes, it's a strange list, esp. if the pain is severe ("I can tie my own shoes. I can brush my own teeth.")
The other thing that works for me is to focus on someone else and on how I can improve his/her day. It works!
Wishing you JOY!!!

 

Thank you so much, Gigi! I am doing better today. One emotion came at 3 am (and, fortunately, left!). It was fear. But I was glad at least to feel something.

You'd be surprised, but people around me think I am funny and make a lot of people laugh. Apparently, a lot of comedians suffer from depression - what a paradox!

 

Hi TG957!

My name is Lauren. I'm new here and I thought I would reach out. I have felt exactly that before. That loss of emotions. It was last year, and I was terrified I was never going to feel anything again. (So much fear)

I sought out a therapist that I could afford. I had gotten to the point where for 3-4 years everything was overwhelming. My Depression was an escape and I had completely shut down. I turned all of it off cause it felt safer than working through it. It was my own "Non-feeling bubble." It was cozy and comfortable. I loved it and hated it at the same time.

The one thing that helped was she suggested a "Depression Toolbox." A list of things in my journal that either I used to enjoy doing: Yoga, reading a good book, going to the movies, or to see a theater production. Free things to do: Going for a walk, hanging out with my pet, calling a trusted friend.

Just compiling a handy list of things that were intentionally supposed to make me focus on something other than the depression trap. Even if they didn't make me feel any better, at least I was attempting something in a different direction. I did one on my list for 3 months. The fog started to lift. It took a while, and a lot of pep talks.

I have never shared this with anyone until now, but I felt like doing so. Thanks you for your bravery.

 

Hi, Lauren! Thank you for such a nice post and your bravery, too! I am so happy for you that you are feeling better and your emotions are back, and they are good ones!

I am working with the TMS therapist from the TMS Wiki list and she has been very helpful. I have had depression before and I know I don't have it right now. My body response is not depression, it is physical symptoms in my hands and arms. However, the "toolbox" looks like a very helpful approach. I started giving myself mental health days when I literally only do what my inner child (not my inner bully!) likes to do. My house is a mess, I missed couple deadlines at work - but I am feeling a bit better, just a tiny bit. And, as it turns out, my deadlines at work were more self-imposed than real and messy house is still livable. So, I guess I am getting over the fear of being imperfect and it started bringing some emotions back. The downside - I feel more anxiety now - but that was predictable.

 

love the dog video and it did make me laugh.

Youtube is amazing... just about anything is there, videos to inform or entertain us.

I decided some time ago that I am not perfect and should stop trying to live as a perfect person. It's much easier to live imperfect. But just not too imperfect, haha.

 

Perfect timing as I'm feeling a bit blue.. I love this video! I've seen it before and can watch over and over!

 

Hi TG957,

So happy to hear you're working with a TMS therapist. It can be really helpful. We're like train conductors who help you find the right track to go down!

One thing that helps with emotions, exploring emotions, especially if we haven't felt or noticed them in awhile is to try to bring attention the the physical sensation of things. When you go about your day and there's something that would normally anger you, make you happy, make you afraid, etc... ask yourself, "What am I noticing in my body right now?" Often we'll simply notice our symptoms, perhaps they even got a little worse during this activity that would normally bring up our emotions. But if you keep asking the question you might begin to notice other things: tightness in the chest, sinking feelings, pressure in the head. These are the somatic components of emotion. For many of us, noticing these things is the first step back to reclaiming our emotions.

Hope that helps,

Andrew

 

Andrew, thank you! That is a great tip!

 

I've learnt to look within myself a lot more especially when I am feeling any of my symptoms throughout the day.

Also I have been meditating over the last few weeks and this is helping me connect.

Can't get the link on my phone but there is a good guided meditation video under 10mins, 'connect to your higher self'. Please give it a try a few times.

 

Thank you!